People hope they can always rely on their mothers for love and protection. Unfortunately, it is a fact of life that not all mother-daughter relationships are healthy. It can be very difficult to overcome an abusive relationship with your mother. The wounds sustained in childhood can run deep. However, with determination and hard work, you can put the pain of your past behind you and move on to something better.
Step 1
Recognize that your mother's behavior is not about you. It is not uncommon for a child to blame herself for her mother's bad acts. Perhaps, in a fit of temper, your mother told you that if you were smarter, better behaved or kinder, she wouldn't "have" to abuse you. Blaming you for her dissatisfaction or unhappiness was manipulative and unfair. "An emotionally abusive mother is a mother who uses her son or daughter in an attempt to fill her own unmet emotional needs," Eqi.org says. By accepting that you are not responsible for your mother's behavior, you can let go of any guilt or sense of failure you have carried over the years because it was impossible to please her.
Step 2
Tell the people you are close to about your experiences. Acknowledging the truth of the past and having the courage to talk about it openly is crucial to your healing process. As a child, shame or fear might have compelled you to keep the abuse a secret. Voicing your pain will help you let go of it. Hopefully, members of your family will be able to offer you support, but if your family is divided between you and your mother, turn to other people you trust instead, such as your friends, your partner or your pastor.
Step 3
Seek professional help. With a therapist or as part of a support group, you'll have the opportunity to discuss the abuse you suffered in a safe, accepting environment, with people who understand what you've been through. A network of support people will offer you the insight, encouragement and empathy you need as you work toward overcoming the pain of your past.
Step 4
Work toward forgiving your mother. This is one of the most difficult aspects of overcoming an abusive relationship, but holding on to your anger will keep you from fully healing. "Forgiveness doesn't mean that we 'excuse' offensive behavior; it doesn't mean forgetting or even trusting the person who harmed us," SelfGrowth.com says. Instead, think of forgiveness as a gift you are giving yourself. You are letting go of any negative or vengeful feelings because you don't want to be trapped by your mother's bitterness or pain.
Tips and Warnings
- Healing is a process; do not expect too much from yourself too soon.
- Your mother might not be willing to own up to her abusive behavior. Keep in mind that you cannot change anything about her; you can heal only yourself.
Member Comments
suzieanne September 7
im 31 and ive went through every emotion for my mum, ive pined for her, hated her, loved her, tried so hard, got angry, got sad, felt worthless, felt ugly, inadeguate and im still struggling, its like a black knot in me when she turns, and the rest of the time its emptiness, shes never there, as a child i was beaten, i was told at 12 i was a and she wished she never had me, she would tell me i smelled and would pull my hair, through things at me, look at me in disgust, getting older the physical abuse stopped, then there was me trying to reach out to her and getting nothing back, my confidence is an ongoing battle that sometimes i think im getting there and other times im scared for my sanity. i have a daughter myself now whom i love more than anything in this world and while im not the perfect mother i would never raise my hands to her and know the importance of installing love and trust and confidence into her for her to develop emotionally healthy, im heartbroken and feel hard done by, at times i wish id been adopted, other times im proud of myself and the strength i know i have within, i just need to work on having faith and being consistent with it.
shubz786 September 9
Im 22 years old and have only resently discovered that i suffered emotional abuse from both parents throughout my life.I am entering a medical profession where it requires great amounts of strenght,sometimes which i doubt i have.My mother is the main source of abuse,she has blamed me for most unfortunate events in her life,made me feel guilty,lonely,angry made me lose my self-esteem which is an ongoing battle getting back,my parents ave been divorsed for about 5yrs,the divorse was ugly where all children where emoional tortured and drained.My greatest battle is fighting insecurity,its as if it has become me..I have a wonderful relationship with a loving man,however due to abuse from my parents i consistantly accuse him with women that he has no interest in,I am very angry with both my parents for the emotonal state they have left me in,i pray and hope that all my fears go away..i want to lead a painfree peaceful life.
rnair5 December 31
I think my story was/is almost same like suzieanne, my mother she always discourage me in all the areas of my life, but now I have a wonderful guy as my husband and i have a daughter , i can't even imagine a life without my baby girl.I am doing my best for my girl as a loving mom and a role model , everything for her. My husband never know about my mothers behaviour or anything he still thinks we are a loving family.I just didn't want to tell him because I am afraid..i don't know why.I am still living with my parents in their basement ( my dad's house) my mother doen't work or never worked in her life and thinks she is a big deal. My father is a very good guy. I am married now and i have a husband he is the one make decisions in my life not her.Sometimes i wish someone else would be my mother.In my teenage days my mother always called me u flat chested.But I was young to have larger breasts.Now she could see...I can't write all things she did to me because I need to use different language.she always try to put me down, recent incident infront of my husband she sommented (i was getting ready to go shopping )your cloths are very tight and why you didn't buy...my hhuband watching.Only reason i am staying in this home because we have some debt and we need to pay that off before leave her shadow which is always a negative thing for me.I am trying my best right now i am thinking a way to get out this houseas soon as possible.
lotus_feet July 6
? Hi, I am 30 and I have an abusive mother. At the moment we are going through a "break up". She was never a mother to me> I pretty much grew up by myself and at the same time I looked after my younger brothers. I spent most of my life serving my mother and being her "little helper" - basically a slave..And if I disobeyed, she would hit me or call me names.. I was terrified, scared, lonely and abandoned... I spent most of my adult life believing that I was worthless, pointless and horrible... I was giving all my love and my life to her and in return I would get a "spoiled child" behaviour. I am angry, but I am going through a healing process. I am forgiving and moving on... nobody is perfect, but I am not going to allow anyone to hurt me (even if it is my mother). I live with my loving partner right now and he is wonderful to me. I am getting support from friends and most of all - I am getting support from myself. I know that I have been deeply hurt, betrayed, hit, disrespected ... - but it is not my fault - and that my soul is wonderful. I know that I have lots of love to give and that love is the answer to all. I am strong and confident, I am nothing like my mother. I have made my decision to progressively cut her out of my life - and distance myself as much as possible. I know that I won't be punished for that - and that ultimately I am doing good for both of us. I don't know if I will talk to her in the future (luckily we live in different countries - and I can maintain my distance). The only thing I am going to concentrate on is fulfilling my dreams and my own fantastic potential. I want to say to all people who wrote here or just passing by - You are wonderful strong people. There is nothing wrong with you! Your parents are just human and it is up to you what kind of life you are going to have. There is always a choice to be happy and to be content. My warmest wishes and healing thoughts to you :) ?
amathlin1 July 19
Thank you all for sharing your stories, I googled this topic b/c I too have an abusive mom and am at my wits end with my feelings going back and forth from angry to sad, lonely, guilty, etc. I'm 25 and have a wonderful husband, and 2 yr old daughter, with another daughter on the way. It's been almost 6 weeks since I cut my mom out of my life for good and some days are more of a struggle then others dealing with the childhood emotional abuse, the insults, cursing me out, constant criticism, wishing bad things on me, and up until recently she's started all that again. It's always like a bad storm that is inevitable to occur but you're dreading when things are good. I don't wanna be anything like her and just want to enjoy my life with all the things God has blessed me with. I truly hope we all can heal like the article says. Best wishes to you all, you inspire me.