Children enter the world as a bundle of impulses, needs and instincts. Incapable of fending for themselves or interacting with others in anything but rudimentary ways, children must acquire the knowledge, attitude, beliefs and behaviors that allow them to get along with others, provide for themselves, and hopefully find some degree of contentment and satisfaction. The use of negative discipline, such as yelling and physical aggression has unintended negative consequences. For example, physical punishment may enhance conformity in the short run, but is associated in the long term with delinquency and aggressive behavior, according to research described at Law JRank. Positive discipline creates positive results.
Manage Consequences
If a behavior results in a positive experience, a child will most likely repeat it, according to the well-established principles of learning theory as laid out by B.F. Skinner in Science and Human Behavior. Reward your child with praise or even with physical rewards when you observe a behavior you would like to see. Conversely, if you want to see less of a behavior, consistently deliver a negative consequence. Avoid yelling, and never use physical punishment. Establish consequences for any behavior where you expect non-compliance. Try to come up with consequences related to the behavior. For example, you could say, "If you push your brother again, you will have to do his chore for him." Similarly, you could say, "Once you put away your toys, you can watch TV." As much as possible, retain the motivational potential of rewards by keeping them available. So don't eliminate a television privilege; withhold it until your child does what she should.
Effective Commands
Parenting effectiveness programs, such as Parenting by Numbers, focus on how to give commands because the delivery of a command influences how well the child complies. According to Parenting Effectiveness expert Carolyn Webster-Stratton, in "Training for parents of young children with conduct problems" an effective command will employ a calm tone and clear language to outline (1) what the child is expected to do, (2) the time frame of when the action must be completed and (3) the consequences for compliance and non-compliance. So, a parent might tell her child, "Finish your homework, and then you can play your video games." This approach creates a win-win situation, and reduces power struggles. Your child gets what he wants when he does what you want.
Warnings
Increase your child's compliance by using warnings and reminders. Give them a warning when a deadline is approaching, and remind them of what the consequences are. For example, you could say, "Remember, you have to brush your teeth before 9:00--that's in five minutes--if we are going to have time to read together before bed."
House Rules
Discuss and agree upon house rules that apply to every member of the family, including adults. Rules should include consequences. A good rule to start with is "No name calling". Establish a consequence, such as a "pizza fund" jar. Any time somebody calls somebody else a name, they have to put a quarter into the pizza fund.
Time Outs
Use brief time-outs as punishments for young children, but starting around the age of 4 use time-outs as opportunities to calm down, like they do in sports. Help your child learn self-calming by encouraging her to take some alone time when upset. Tell her, "You are upset and acting inappropriately. You need to calm down now, or go to your room until you can get yourself calm." When your child comes out of the room use labeled praise to reward her for getting control of her moods by saying, "You did a great job of calming yourself down."
References
- Keep Kids Healthy: Discipline Guide
- Parenting by Numbers: Helping Your Child to Comply: How to Give Effective Commands
- Law JRank: Family Relationships and Crime: Variations In Discipline And Crime
- JStore: Discipline and Deviance: Physical Punishment of Children and Violence and Other Crimes in Adulthood.
- "Training for parents of young children with conduct problems: Content, methods, and therapeutic processes"; in "Handbook of parent training: Parents as co-therapists for children's behavior problems"; (2nd ed.). Carolyn Webster-Stratton and Lois Hancock; 1998
