If you and your partner are having trouble communicating, you're hardly alone. Communication problems are the ticking time bombs in a relationship. Without solutions, eventually you can expect a blow up. But if you can learn to express yourself openly and honestly, you'll be better equipped to solve problems that surface in your relationship.
Differences
Many books on gender communication conclude that men and women communicate differently, leading to endless misunderstandings. In "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation," linguist Deborah Tannen writes that men typically talk to solve problems, while women often talk to connect with other people.
This doesn't mean that effective communication is hopeless. Rather, an awareness of these differences can help partners understand each other better.
Misconceptions
Communicating is more than talking. To really understand what your partner is saying, you need to listen to more than just the words, according to a communication guide prepared by the University of Florida IFAS Extension.
Equally important is how your partner is speaking. For instance, is the tone angry, sarcastic or calm? Nonverbal cues, such as the arms folded across the chest or lack of eye contact, are also important. Sometimes the real message is in what's not being said.
Respect
Learning to communicate with each other doesn't mean you and your partner won't face conflicts. Nor does it mean you will like everything your partner has to say.
Effective communication does, however, require couples to show mutual respect, according to a communication guide prepared by the University of Florida IFAS Extension.
Even if your differences include major issues, you can still move forward if you show consideration for each other.
Compromise
Healthy communication between couples requires compromise, according to the University of Florida IFAS Extension.
Rather than trying to win an argument, it's more productive over the long run to meet in the middle. If you look for a compromise or a fresh solution that gives you both at least some of what you want, you'll be more inclined to keep the lines of communication open in the future.
Warning
At times, you might be tempted to impress your partner by not showing who you really are. Consciously or unconsciously, you might think if you're open and honest, your partner will no longer care for you, writes John Ortberg in his 2003 book, "Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them."
However, this can lead to communication and relationship problems later on. By showing your true self and letting your partner do the same, you actually get to know each other better, laying a strong foundation for effective communication.
References
- University of Florida IFAS Extension: Can We Talk? Improving Couples' Communication
- "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation"; Deborah Tannen, Ph.D.; 1991
- "Everybody's Normal Till You Get to Know Them"; John Ortberg; 2003
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