Verbal abuse may occur in many forms in a relationship. Negative comments or criticism, constant put-downs, yelling or screaming, and humiliation are forms of verbal abuse. Verbal abuse is emotional abuse, which is a type of domestic violence.
Types
Types of verbal abuse may include screaming or yelling, name-calling, criticism and put-downs in an attempt to make the recipient of the abusive behavior feel belittled or demeaned, blaming and shaming. Verbal abuse is a form of emotional abuse that can cause scars much deeper than those inflicted by physical abuse. The abuser attempts to control his spouse by repeated insults or criticisms, trying to make the spouse feel bad about herself and lower her self-confidence to the point where she feels helpless and stuck in the relationship.
Function
The function of verbal abuse is to keep the spouse under the control of the abuser. The abuser wants the spouse to feel powerless and afraid, and at the same time make the spouse feel as though she cannot leave him or that she somehow needs him. The University of Illinois Counseling Center's article "Emotional Abuse" points out that emotional or verbal abuse is like brain-washing. The abuser's own sense of low self-esteem and subsequent need to control the spouse plays off the recipient's low self-esteem and sense of being controlled, which keeps the cycle in motion.
Effects
Albert Ellis, Ph.D and Marcia Power's book, "The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life" explains that many women suffering from verbal abuse may feel many conflicting emotions. Recipients of abuse may feel as though they are going crazy, particularly when the spouse uses denial or shows loving behaviors that are counter to previous actions. Women in abusive relationships may feel that they have to justify their partner's actions. They may also feel stupid, belittled, angry and generally bad about themselves, yet they may also feel powerless and as though they have nowhere to turn.
Misconceptions
Recipients of abuse frequently make excuses for their spouse's behavior. They may feel as though they are to blame for the actions of the abuser. They may also feel as though he can't control his behavior, and they may pity him or try to explain away his actions by empathizing with his difficult childhood or rough work life.
Solution
Getting help in an abusive relationship requires a bold move on the part of the recipient of abuse. Recipients have to admit to themselves that they are, in fact, in an abusive relationship, even if there is no physical violence. There is no easy solution to abuse. The first step is taking action by getting help or advice from a trusted source. This can be an anonymous phone call to an agency like the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233). It is important to have someone validate what is happening and provide reassurance that there is a way out and that they are not stuck in a hopeless situation. Calling this number can help to sort out the conflicting emotions and possibly provide direction as to what step to take next.
References
- University of Illinois Counseling Center: Emotional Abuse
- HelpGuide.org: Domestic Violence and Abuse
- The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life; Albert Ellis, Ph.D and Marcia Powers; 2000
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