Husbands emotionally abuse their wives in an attempt to control them. Emotional abuse is considered domestic abuse and it is just as harmful as physical abuse. At least 12 million women will be abused in their lifetime, according to the Find Counseling website. A more specific statistic is difficult to determine because of a disagreement regarding what constitutes emotional abuse, underreporting and lack of a central organization to gather local statistics.
Definition
Emotional abuse falls under the domain of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse is defined as any instance when one partner in an intimate relationship--boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife--begins to dominate the other person.
Your husband abuses you emotionally so he can get complete control over you--your thoughts, beliefs and concept of yourself, according to HelpGuide.
Danger
Emotional abuse is often only the prelude to physical abuse or domestic violence. If your husband threatens you with physical harm, don't take this as an idle threat. He won't play fair in his efforts to keep you in his life.
Listen to family and friends when they express concern for you and your children. Learn about the cycle of violence--this is a cycle your husband follows as he continues to bring you ever more under his control. He abuses you emotionally and verbally, then expresses guilt and sorrow. He's not sorry for hurting you; he's sorry because of the possibility of being caught in his behavior. He reverts to normal behavior or a honeymoon phase as if he had never lashed out at you. He then fantasizes about verbally abusing you and planning the next abusive episode. Finally, he sets you up and puts a plan into motion that allows him to justify his abuse of you, according to the HelpGuide website.
Getting Help
The first step in getting help is to realize that you're involved in a very unequal relationship and your husband is abusing you. Even though he doesn't use his fists or hands against you, his words and put-downs are just as damaging, according to the HelpGuide website.
If a friend, relative or a co-worker tells you she suspects you're being abused by your husband, don't be afraid to admit it. She can help you connect to a therapist if it's not safe for you to do so.
Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) for information and referrals in every state, crisis intervention or safety planning.
Safety and Healing
One of your first goals should be to recognize you have the right to be safe in your daily life, according to the Therapy Alternatives website. Start filing police reports so you create a paper trail and obtain a restraining order so law enforcement can help you. With a trusted friend, develop a safety plan so you and your children can get away with as little disruption of your lives as possible. This is one of the most important steps you can take for yourself, according to the HelpGuide website.
Your self-esteem is low because of the emotional battering you've been subjected to. If you haven't already, locate a therapist so you can begin individual therapy and start the healing process. Look for a therapist or clinical social worker who specializes in working with victims of domestic abuse or violence. Couples counseling is not a good idea because your husband will put his good face forward so he can fool your therapist, according to the eqi website.
Expert Insight
Your husband is able to control his behaviors. When someone interrupted one of his abusive episodes, he switched from being abusive to being a calm, loving and charming husband. Talk to your therapist about this ability and observe this switch so you can gain new insight about him, especially if you won't or can't leave him. Emotionally, he's terrified that you'll leave him; he doesn't want to be alone and he'll use any means available to keep you bound to him.
Should you decide that couples counseling might be one way to improve your situation, your husband may try to turn the sessions into "fix my wife" sessions. Before suggesting or agreeing to couples counseling, let your individual therapist know everything you have experienced at your husband's hands so she is able to confront him. Your husband may respond to this confrontation by ending your relationship, which to him, would be much less painful than confronting his own behaviors, according to the eqi website. He would much rather leave you if that means he doesn't have to change how he treated you.
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