Many adopted youngsters have feelings that are not shared by children raised in their birth families. These feelings can occur even in a loving, supportive family. They can usually be worked through by the child as he goes through adolescence and on to adulthood. If the feelings are pervasive and get in the way of a normal family life, the youngster may require counseling. They may even be prevented by an option adoption in which he has ongoing contact with his birth mother.
Identity Confusion
Most children struggle with their identity as they grow and start to embrace a sense of self. This struggle is often greater for kids who are adopted because they don't have a solid sense of where they come from. The Child Welfare Information Gateway explains that adopted youngsters wonder about their biological background and whether they fit into their current family or if they were meant to be more like their birth parents and possible siblings.
Self-Esteem
Some adopted kids have lower self-esteem than their peers. They feel inferior because their birth parents chose to give them away. This can give them a sense of being unwanted, according to the Child Welfare Information Gateway, even though they were chosen by their adoptive family. They may also harbor fears that someday their adoptive parents will give them away, or that they are not really wanted when they are punished for misbehavior.
Loss
The Labor of Love parenting website states that many children feel a sense of loss when they learn they are adopted. They may be content in their adoptive family, but they can still feel grief because they do not know their birth parents. They may even fantasize about their "real" family and idealize it in their minds, believing they would have been better off if they had not been put up for adoption.
Rejection
Some adopted children feel a sense of rejection, according to Labor of Love. They wonder why their birth mother gave them away and are sad that she did not want them. Some feel guilty or worry that it might have somehow been their fault, even if they were adopted in infancy.
Prevention/Solution
The Child Welfare Information Gateway states that many negative feelings about being adopted can be prevented or resolved. Supportive, understanding parents can help an adopted youngster through her worries and reinforce her self-esteem. Support groups for adopted kids give them a safe environment in which to discuss their fears and to build bonds with other kids who are going through the same things. Counseling may be needed if self-help efforts are not enough to alleviate the child's negativity. It may also help to assist her in finding her birth parents when she is old enough.
Negative feelings may be minimized or prevented by an open adoption. The American Pregnancy Society explains the sense of abandonment is decreased by contact with the birth mother. An ongoing relationship with her satisfies the child's curiosity and supports healthy development of his personal identity.
