Although most teens periodically test their limits and have disputes with their peers and elders, some exhibit behaviors that are widely considered to be out of control. Although definitions of "out of control" vary, teens who regularly argue, pose a threat to themselves and others and refuse to abide by rules may require more structured discipline than their peers.
Behavior Contract
If your teen consistently seems to "forget" or misinterpret your home rules, you can clarify your intentions by writing a contract with him. If you ask him to help you come up with rules or develop his own draft for future editing, he may be more willing to abide by the rules. He may also be more compelled to comply if, in the contract, you promise specific rewards, such as a trip to the movies, for positive behaviors. Try to make the rules as simple and clear as possible to avoid causing your teen to feel bullied or overwhelmed. For example, you may write, "______ will be home by 10 p.m. every night," rather than, "_______ will come home as soon as he is asked to come home." Also discuss the rules with your teen so that he fully understands them. Finally, all caregivers and the teen should sign the contract and post it in a visible location.
Checking In
Commit to confirming your teen's social plans. For example, she may say that she is going to the library or to a friend's house, but if she knows you won't visit the location of the party or call her friend's mother to confirm her whereabouts, she won't feel obligated to be truthful. Agree in your home behavior contract that she must give you concrete information about her plans (e.g. the address of the party or her friend's mother's phone number) or she won't be permitted to leave the house.
Consistency
According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, parents who don't follow through with punishments reinforce misbehavior because inconsistency confuses teens and can cause them to disrespect parental authority. Alternately, consistency teaches teens that they can't bend rules as they see fit. The good news is that you can establish consistency from this point forward and your teen will eventually realize that you are serious.
Short-Term Consequences
Disciplining a teen isn't exactly like setting a prison sentence to fit the crime. Since you probably want have a close and personal relationship with your teen, and since he probably hasn't done anything that warrants a prison sentence, grounding him for a month probably won't have its desired effect. Instead, your teen may become depressed, resent you for being coldhearted and rebel against what he perceives is a too-harsh punishment by sneaking out of the house. According to the AAP, the most effective consequences won't last beyond several hours for minor violations and a few days for major violations.
Outside Help
If you continue to feel ineffective in curbing your teen's out-of-control behavior, consider obtaining a counselor for her as well as a counselor for the whole family. Moreover, try to enlist backup from her friends' parents; you may be more successful in curbing misbehavior if you band together to create similar guidelines for all the teens in her social group.
