From the time we rise in the morning until the time we go to bed at night we are in constant communication with the people around us. Simple greetings in the coffee shop, presentations at work and hugs given to family members are all examples of communication. To be an effective listener you must also understand how to communicate effectively.
Communication Styles
Understanding the way in which you communicate will help you become a more effective listener. There are four communication styles: assertive, aggressive, passive and passive-aggressive. As an assertive communicator, expressing yourself with confidence and without manipulation, you respect the rights of others and are likely to listen for ways in which you can solve problems. As an aggressive communicator, inducing guilt and using control tactics, you are likely to perceive the words of others as attacking and be on the defense. As a passive communicator you are less likely to listen for understanding or care about the conversation. A passive-aggressive style avoids verbal confrontation but seeks revenge through exploitation.
Response Matching
Listen and look for indicators of passion, sorrow, excitement or fear and respond accordingly. For example, if your friend is excited about her new promotion at work, give an upbeat response with a smile instead of looking somber.
Clarification
Effective listening requires listening for meaning and asking for clarification when necessary. You can gain clarification through paraphrasing--putting into your own words what you thought was said and repeating your interpretation to the speaker. You may be able to include nonverbal cues and say something like, "I see that you are upset because you feel like your boss does not recognize your strengths." When asking questions be sure that your tone is neutral and let the speaker know that you are trying to gain more understanding. For example, asking, "What qualifications do you possess that make you the best candidate for the job?" is better than asking, "How can you even be qualified for a job like that?"
Avoid Generalizations
A generalization is a broad statement that declares a relationship between one or more occurrences, people, places or events. Generalizations are usually based on bias or prejudice and should be avoided when communicating and listening to others. When speaking, do not use statements like, "You always," or "You never," because they place blame and evoke defensiveness in the listener. Listening effectively requires that you first minimize the influence of bias about the speaker or the subject matter.
Nonverbal Cues
According to research by Dr. Laura Janusik, assistant professor of communications and fine arts at Rockhurst University, spoken words account for only 30 to 35 percent of the meaning of a message. The rest is transmitted through nonverbal communication that can only be detected through visual and auditory listening. Folded arms, a frown, widened eyes and fidgeting are all nonverbal cues that are just as important as spoken language. An effective communicator often uses cues that match his message and an effective listener can draw on those cues if verbal messages are unclear or ambiguous.
References
- Mayo Clinic: Being Assertive:Reduce stress, communicate better
- BNET: Tips for Effective Listening
- Dr. Laura Janusik, Ph.D; Assistant Professor of Communications and Fine Arts; Kansas City, Mo.
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