Everyone eventually experiences grief. Whether it's physical death of a loved one or metaphorical death of our hopes and dreams for ourselves or our children, there is a pattern to the emotions, reactions and activities that move us past a loss. Grief is not linear. It is common to move back and forth between stages before we are able to reconcile the reality of our loss with its emotional and physical impact.
Denial
Denial is characterized by disbelief, disconnectedness, and distancing from situation, friends and family. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, late author of "On Death and Dying," describes denial as "nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle." Taken to its extreme, denial can result in someone refusing to release a loved one for burial, staying in a bad relationship or withdrawing from life after a job loss or personal setback.
Anger
Once the initial shock wears off, we often become angry or hostile. Anger often takes the place of "any feeling, such as fear, guilt, longing, frustration, or hopelessness, that has the potential for creating extreme discomfort," says grief counselor, Carol Staudacher. Staudacher advises exploring the emotions hiding beneath your anger and discussing them with a friend, support group or professional counselor.
Bargaining
Bargaining is the place between denial and acceptance. It has us creating magical scenarios where our loved one is snatched from death, where we still have our home, our job or our relationships. "We want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening," says Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.
Depression
Depression is where the actual grieving occurs. Denial has worn off, anger has burnt itself out, but there is a gaping hole where your loved one, job, or some other important factor used to be.
Many students experience depression after graduation, especially if they have trouble finding work or moving into adult responsibilities. They need to work through their feelings and define their new role to themselves. Guilt, sadness and tearfulness are common at this stage. There may be preoccupation with the missing person, thing or role; disturbed sleep and appetite; weight loss or gain and seeing or hearing the voice of the former partner, spouse or friend.
Acceptance
Songs such as Garth Brook's "The Dance," and Ringo Starr's "Photograph," are examples of grief at the acceptance stage. While no longer mired in depression, anger or apathy, there are still moments when you think about the lost loved one, dream or other situation. "The Dance," in particular speaks of loss intermixed with the highs and lows of a good relationship. It is the essence of the statement, "It's better to have loved and lost..." Acceptance may come through music that helps you release your feelings, talking with a counselor, taking up a new hobby, venturing back into the dating pool or finally sending out that first resume.
