Children experience grief for many reasons, but the most significant is the loss of a loved one. Depending on their age, they may have difficulty understanding the finality of the loss. Children experience grief differently from adults and are not always able to express their feelings effectively. They need support from the adults in their lives to work through their experience.
Stages of Development
Children at various stages of development respond to grief differently. Their response is also influenced by the behavior and support of the adults caring for them. Infants will miss the presence of the loved one and may cry, fuss or be more irritable in general. Preschoolers can express basic feelings and believe the loved one will come back. Elementary-age children understand the concept of death and have many questions about the process of death and the illness or circumstances that led to the death. Middle school-aged children have an increased sense of insecurity and often use their skills in abstract thinking to question their spiritual beliefs. Teens try to demonstrate independence by not showing their feelings and rely on peers to process their grief. They may also engage in risky behavior that is out of character for them. Regression to less mature behavior is common for all children experiencing grief.
Physical Symptoms
Many children experience physical responses to loss. They may have difficulty sleeping and a limited appetite. Symptoms such as headaches, fatigue, stomach aches, dry mouth and shortness of breath may also be experienced. Medical concerns should be ruled out before attributing the cause of these symptoms solely to the grief process.
Behaviors
Children may state that they want to join their loved one or deny that the person has truly died. They may obsess about the person by constantly talking about them or imitating their mannerisms or behaviors. Difficulty concentrating, indecisiveness and confusion are also common experiences for grieving children.
Fears and Anxiety
After a loss, especially of a parent, children have fears about who will care for them and if that caregiver will also die. Insecurity and abandonment are common feelings in these situations. Fear of the dark or of being alone may be amplified. Many children also become anxious about typical parental concerns such as finances.
Anger
Anger is a common response to loss. Children are often angry with the person who died as well as their remaining caregiver or parent. They perceive that life is unfair and believe someone could have done something to prevent this loss. Due to their egocentric perspective, children are often angry with themselves, believing that the death is somehow their fault.
Anniversaries
Even when they are not aware of the specific anniversary dates, children experience emotional responses. The birthday of the loved one, their own birthday and holidays can all trigger their feelings of grief and loss.
Supporting Children
Children need support through the grief process. They need opportunities to express themselves through their words and creatively through drawing, writing, painting, music and other art forms. Grief groups with other children are effective in helping children cope with their loss and recognize that they are not alone. The grief process takes time and feelings often re-emerge as children go through new developmental stages.
