Experiencing fetal demise, or a death after 20 weeks gestation, is an acutely painful experience. Not only do you lose the baby, but you lose the hopes and dreams that you planned for upon finding out about your pregnancy. The five stages of grief, presented by psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, are usually applied to death, but they can help explain the feelings you might experience following fetal demise.
Denial
When you are first diagnosed or told about the fetal demise, your initial instinct may be to deny it or ask for another opinion. You've likely spent more than 20 weeks thinking about your impending arrival, baby names and may have even purchased baby items. To hear that your baby will be stillborn can be met with disbelief and even a numbness to the announcement. Ask for as much information from your obstetrician as is necessary to understand what is happening.
Anger
You may project anger toward your doctor or yourself as you strive to find out the cause of fetal demise. Often, fetal demise is the cause of a genetic abnormality that is no one's fault, but you may still feel upset at the ultrasound technician or obstetrician that discovered the demise. David Morrison, Ph.D, perinatologist and expert in fetal demise, presented to the Canadian Society of Diagnostic Medical Sonographers that 40 percent of women who experienced fetal demise were upset or angry at the way that the news was delivered. This is misplaced grief and a normal part of the healing process.
Bargaining
A fetal demise can bring about bargaining as you come to grips with the death. If you believe in a higher power, you may try and make deals that you'll do things differently if God will spare the life of your baby. You might try to bargain with your doctor, especially when it comes to the delivery of your stillborn, which is a normal part of understanding the conditions of the fetal demise. The MISS Foundation for child death tells physicians to allow patients to hypothesize theologically about what will happen to their deceased child.
Depression
Once you realize that fetal demise has taken place and there is no way to reverse it, depression can set in. Through depression you may feel sad, upset, listless and lose interest in things you once cared for. If you have children at home, depression can affect them profoundly, even if they don't understand what has taken place. Remember that it's OK to take time to be sad, mourn your baby and feel hurt by the experience; sadness and depression is an important part of grief.
Acceptance
Once you deliver the baby and make its resting arrangements, you'll likely return to your old life and finally accept what has happened. Acceptance doesn't mean the mourning is any easier; it just means that you understand what has happened and are ready to move on. You may even think about having another child. Obstetrician Donna Johnson Medical University of South Carolina points out that most parents who have experienced a fetal demise are capable of delivering a healthy baby with competent prenatal care later on.
