Conflict in relationships is inevitable, and can be a source of stress for all members of the family. Conflict resolution however, does not always include the healthy kind. Concession, for example, can be seen as a personal loss by a partner rather than complete agreement. This harbors resentment and a long-term building of worsening emotions. Strategies differ depending on the situation, but the most important principle is authentic communication and a commitment to the process of healing by both partners.
Specify the Problem
Identifying the specific problem is important to keep the discussion focused on the issue causing the conflict. Statements like, "You always leave your clothes on the floor. Why can't you just pick them up?" or, "You are never here when I need you!" are statements of blame when the specific issue is that the partner feels unappreciated. Peeling away the layers of blame, associated emotions, angry words and past hurts exposes core problems and allows partners to move forward in dealing with the issue.
Choose Your Battles
Every issue is important if it causes a conflict between partners, but situations involving multiple problems should be specified in their order of importance. Often, resolving larger issues will encompass resolution of smaller ones. Realize that there will be differences between partners. Sharing all the same opinions is unlikely and probably the reason for the initial attraction between partners.
Authentic Communication
Words only become weapons when anger and arguments only become a time to blame and put down each other. Lines of communication should be opened employing authentic listening, or paying sincere attention to what the partner is saying and feeling with the intent of understanding the point. When your feelings are validated by understanding, you tend to move more easily towards a resolution. Also, use a gentle tone of voice. Family, friends and even colleagues respond more positively when spoken to softly rather than with a raised, hostile tone.
Create Solutions
Solutions may not always seem immediately apparent by either partner while trying to resolve a conflict, but one must be reached. It may be better for each partner to start by suggesting a variety of possible solutions for evaluation and discussion before a final decision is made. Use authentic listening skills to be open and respectful of ideas. If necessary, take time between discussions to refine specific agreeable solutions. Once a decision is made, perform a follow-up evaluation after a brief amount of time to ensure the decision was adequate and if it requires any changes.
Value of Disagreement
Appropriate disagreement in a relationship is healthy, can help partners appreciate each other's unique character and completely realistic. The key to beneficial disagreement stems from the devalued importance of the issue and the willingness to accept differences out of love and respect. It is not ignoring a problem, rather forgiving it. When differences are overlooked partners are allowed to experience the diversity of their lives without fear of feelings of resentment.
