Children grieve death, divorce of their parents, moving to a new home, a debilitating injury, even a lost favorite toy. Joy and Dr. Marvin Johnson, cofounders of the bereavement resource center Centering Corporation, and authors of "Children Grieve, Too," assert that parents and caregivers can support a grieving child if they have the right information and mindset.
Misconceptions
Joy and Dr. Marvin Johnson have identified misconceptions that are ultimately harmful for children, such as the idea that children should not attend funerals, wakes or memorials, or that avoiding telling children the truth about the loss is a way of shielding them. Another misconception, points out Maria Trozzi, director of the Good Grief Program and assistant professor of pediatrics at Boston University School of Medicine, asserts that children do not grieve.
Features
Every child grieves in his own way, according to the Child Grief Education Association. Your own child's developmental stage plays a role in how he expresses grief. While children may not always have the words to express their grief, children at all stages of development, from infant through the teenage years, will show behavioral changes during episodes of grief. Children of all ages will also experience physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, decreased appetite, shortness of breath, tightness in throat, weakness, and fatigue.
Joy and Dr. Marvin Johnson report that an infant can sense sorrow, cries more, and sucks on thumb or fingers. A toddler may cling, not wanting parent to leave, sleep more, but wake frequently, or appear "hyper". A preschooler may revert to baby talk, want a bottle or diaper, experience bedwetting, play "death", ask questions, and most likely can't verbalize feelings. School-age children may act out, grades may go down, play "death" and "funeral", and may experience school as an escape. Teenagers also may act out, experience anger, search for sprituality, and engage in philosophical talk with peers.
Considerations
The Children's Grief Education Association warns that grief intensifies at different times. Children revisit grief as they pass through new developmental stages. Other potentially difficult times include birthdays, holidays and anniversaries, including the date of the loss, and three, six, 12 and 24 months following a loss.
Children experiencing a loss commonly feel guilt. They often blame themselves, even if they had little or nothing to do with the loss. Telling a child he did not cause the loss can give him reassurance.
Caregiver's Role
Joy and Dr. Marvin Johnson provide guidance for the parents or other caregivers of a grieving child, stressing that communicating with the child entails honesty, listening and admitting when you don't have the answers. The child needs to know crying and feeling sad or angry are all okay, and that it's okay to play, too. Johnson and Johnson urge caregivers to explain funerals and memorial services by describing to the child what she will hear and see. Never force a child to attend a funeral if she does not want to go.
Professional Help
Trozzi recommends that children visit a psychotherapist after a severe emotional loss in the family, such as the suicide of a child. By seeking professional help, children can feel more free to express their feelings and have an outlet to express their sadness. School, church or support group personnel may identify issues experienced by a child and provide new information to the parents. These professionals may also provide additional strategies for helping the family cope.
Time Frame
According to Trozzi, people commonly want to know how long a child's grief lasts, and many believe that a child's grief lasts two weeks to six months. Adults grieve for two to three years, according to Trozzi, and while she doesn't give a firm length of time for how long a child grieves, she believes that a child's grief lasts longer than that of adults, but may look shorter because children act out their grief, grieve in spurts and regrieve. Trozzi emphasizes the importance of allowing a child to grieve at her own pace, in her own way, while modeling how to manage her grief by managing your own. Doing so, Trozzi states, helps a child develop coping skills for future losses in her life.
References
- "Children Grieve, Too"; Joy and Dr. Marvin Johnson; 1998
- "Talking With Children About Loss"; Maria Trozzi with Kathi Massimini; 1999
- Children's Grief Education Association: Children's Grief Responses
