Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross published a paper about the "Five Stages of Grief" in 1969, providing a universal tool for understanding what grief is and how to cope with it. More than four decades later, Kubler-Ross's work in this field continues to offer support and hope to those who are coping with a loss due to death.
Grief Is A Defined Process
There are five distinct stages of grief. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In most cases, we experience these five processes in this sequence, though the severity of each stage, and its duration, can vary. The Kubler-Ross process helps provide an understanding of what's going on inside of you as you move to the acceptance stage.
Grief is Unique
While each of us experiences grief after a death in this generally prescribed manner, grief is still a very unique and individualized process. Not all of us react to each stage alike. Not all of us react to grief with tears, for example. Not all grievers want to reach out to others or talk about their feelings. It's important that bystanders not judge someone who is in the throes of grief by any standards. We must permit others to go through their process in their way.
Grief is Permanent
While most healthy people finally achieve the final stage of acceptance, a sense of grief over the loss of a loved one remains forever. No one ever fully "gets over" the death of something or someone he loved completely, and expecting him to do so is both cruel and impossible. However, you can bear grief, and you can make adjustments to make the loss bearable and no longer as painful and debilitating as it was in the beginning.
Grief is Natural
Human beings, and some higher-functioning animal species such as greater primates, elephants, some whales and many dolphin species, all have a profound and natural reaction to death within their social circle. The five stages of grief are as natural to us as other stages of growth and personal development. All humans experience grief several times in their lives, and the vast majority achieve the acceptance stage.
Grief Knows No Clock
How long grieving goes on, and how long each stage of the process lasts, is entirely individual. There is no reasonable yardstick for determining how long a grieving person "should" be sad, depressed or angry after a loss due to death. The myth that "it takes about a year to get over it" is not valid in clinical studies and practical experience. Grief may continue for years and decades. No one--including the grieving person--should exert pressure to be on any kind of timetable.
Grief Responds To Counseling
Talk therapy, including private and group counseling, can be very effective in helping people identify where they are in the five-stage process, and helping them to learn how to cope with the stages until they reach the acceptance stage. Many mental health professionals now believe that formal counseling should a part of every loss experience.
Grief Responds To Renewal
Health and counseling professionals also have learned that a person is more likely to get through the grieving process when he has regular contact with other people, and when he dares to explore new horizons. Renewing our lives by making new friends and developing new interests--while still in the midst of grief---is extremely therapeutic for most of us.
References
- "On Death and Dying (Scribner Classics)"; Elisabeth Kubler-Ross; July 2, 1997
- "On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss";Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler; June 5, 2007
- "On Life after Death, revised"; Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and Caroline Myss; March 1, 2008
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