Author David Kessler says that, "To feel too much is dangerous. Too feel too little is tragic." In her ground-breaking book, "On Death and Dying," Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified for the first time five specific stages of grief that people go through after suffering a tragic loss. The severity and duration of each stage will differ from person to person, as will the order in which people go through the stages, but understand that the emotions are simply a normal part of the process helps many people to cope.
Denial
The denial stage is caused by our psyche going into survival mode and attempting to shield us from the grief of loss. If we do not accept that the loss has occurred, no mourning needs to take place. The duration of this stage varies from person to person and can last from several moments to several months.
During this stage, it is common to experience a sense of shock or numbness. You may find that you are isolating yourself from friends and family during this stage, and may wonder how to make it through a day. If you are grieving over the loss of a loved one, you may believe that you hear the voice of the deceased or sense their presence around you. The healing process begins as soon as you begin to accept the loss. You start to become stronger while the denial tends to go away a little at a time.
Anger and Resentment
When the denial dissipates, the feelings you have been burying rise to the surface and you now start the necessary emotional reactions of the grieving process. You may become angry and resentful of your loss and start to question why it happened to you. The blame game usually begins during this stage, and it is not uncommon to accuse friends, family, doctors and anyone who was involved with the deceased of not caring enough or grieving long enough. You may focus your anger on a relative who did not come to the funeral, or a friend who did not send a card. You may even start to question your spirituality and blame God for the emotions you are feeling.
As your anger gets deeper, it becomes a connection with the one that you have lost, and you cling to it for dear life. The anger is a welcome change from the nothingness that you experienced during the denial stage.
Bargaining
The bargaining stage, or "I'll do this if you do that," is where feelings of guilt may rise to the surface. You start analyzing past actions, and associate your behavior as contributing to the loss. "If only I hadn't" and "what if" creep into your everyday language over and over. You long for life to return to the way it was, and for your loss to be restored. "If only" you could go back into the past and change a behavior, the loss would not have occurred.
Depression
Once you realize that there is no bargaining to be had and no way to change the past, an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss may set in. You may have trouble with focus and concentration and difficulty making decisions. Mood swings, insomnia, oversleeping, loss of appetite, overeating or fatigue are common symptoms of deep depression. This depression is a normal part of the grieving process and not the same as a clinical depression or mental health disorder.
Acceptance
As you start to accept the loss and learn to live with it, you start to come out of your self-imposed isolation, resume activities that you enjoyed before the loss and are able to talk about the loss with a positive and realistic attitude. Many people believe that when a person enters the acceptance stage, they are okay with the loss, and that is far from the case. There is a difference between accepting a reality and being over a loss. As you begin your new life, you may feel that you are betraying the person you lost, and that is a normal feeling. As long as you continue on with your life making adjustments for the loss, your grief will not get the best of you.
