Mona Raskin, a divorce attorney in Linwood, New Jersey, says that not everyone who comes to see her about a divorce is convinced that it's what he really wants. "When I first meet with a client, almost invariably I find that he's not just looking for legal advice," Raskin says. "He's looking for validation. He wants someone to tell him that divorce is the right thing to do." A little soul-searching can go a long way before pulling the plug on a marriage. Ask yourself hard questions about what you expect from a divorce. Being honest with yourself is key.
Five-Year Question
Where do you see yourself five years from now if you stay married? And what do you envision your life will be like in five years if you go through with a divorce? Raskin and her staff frequently pose this question to clients who are looking for someone to tell them what to do. If the marriage is causing you emotional, psychological or physical distress, chances are you'll realize that imagining yourself in the same situation five years down the road is intolerable. If you're just bored and discontent, you might imagine yourself still with your spouse, but in a changed or improved marriage.
When Did You Fall Out of Love?
If you're not sure about the answer to this one, marital counseling might be in order. The exact date isn't the important thing. It's the fact that if you can point to a time, you're probably not in love anymore. Also consider that once you go your separate ways, your spouse is certainly going to begin dating again. How does this make you feel? If you're indifferent, a divorce is probably in order. If the idea upsets you, it might be worth trying to repair the marriage instead of ending it.
How Will You Pay Bills on Own?
Even when divorce is definitely what you want, you'll need to have a game plan for survival afterward. By definition, child support is a portion of your spouse's income intended to be used for the kids, not you. Alimony--especially permanent alimony--is an exception to the average divorce, not the rule. And two people cannot live in separate households as cheaply as they lived together in one. You should ask yourself how you intend to make ends meet once you're on your own. Raskin advises making a comprehensive list of fixed expenses, such as mortgage and utilities, as well as an estimate of monthly expenses that you have some control over, such as groceries. Compare that against income: your earnings plus or minus any child support or alimony you expect to receive or have to pay. Then ask yourself if it's doable. J. Benjamin Stevens, an attorney practicing in South Carolina, recommends that you consider the current economic climate, as well Sometimes it's not a matter of staying married. It's a matter of staying married a little longer until the economy improves. Nancy Fagan-Murphy, author of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to Romance" and a certified family mediator, also suggests a waiting approach. Going back to school or seeking additional job training before filing for divorce can be the difference between making ends meet afterward or not.
References
- Mona R. Raskin, Esquire; Family Law; Linwood, New Jersey
- South Carolina Family Law Blog: Stevens MacPhail Family Law Center: Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Filing for Divorce
- Woman's Divorce: Pre-Divorce Advice; Nancy Fagan-Murphy, M.S.
- Firstwivesworld: Do Some Thinking Before Filing for Divorce; Cathy Meyer; Feb. 9, 2009
