Courts prefer that parents work together cooperatively to develop a parenting plan, and many states require mandatory mediation before parents are allowed to litigate child custody issues before a judge. When parents are unable to agree on their own, they are then expected to participate in a mediation process guided by an impartial third party. Only after attempts at negotiating a parenting agreement have failed can a child custody case go to court.
Keep an Open Mind
Be willing to listen to your ex-spouse and the trained mediator. If you enter the process with your mind open to compromise, the outcome is more likely to serve the best interests of your children. Philip M. Stahl, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist and author of "Parenting After Divorce," emphasizes that mediation is also more emotionally healthy for children as they are often allowed to express their feelings and contribute to the decisions, which will affect their lives. But in cases where parents do not reach an agreement, the mediator may make a recommendation to the court. However, a judge may issue a different court order.
Consider Your Child's Needs
Be well prepared for all mediation sessions. Stahl points out that mediation offers parents a nonhostile environment where they can communicate openly with each other about the needs of their children. Mediation is not a forum for airing anger and resentment relating to past marital conflicts. Parents need to keep their emotions in check and focus on the future rather than on events of the past. For this reason, it's important for both parents to remain centered on the child's needs and be willing to offer different options to achieve that goal. Parents are encouraged to talk about issues which directly impact a child's life, whether the discussions are geared toward how to provide emotional support and reassurance, or ways to provide routine and structure in a child's daily life.
Listen to the Mediator
Be ready to consider any advice the mediator may offer. While the task of a mediator is to encourage parents to arrive at parenting solutions on their own, sometimes when parents cannot agree the mediator may remind them that the purpose of the process is to decide on those things that will best serve the needs of their child. If things get too heated, a mediator may suggest a brief time out to allow for emotions to cool before continuing on with the discussion. Both parents must have clear minds in order to work out the details about custody and a schedule for sharing time with a child.
Willingness to Compromise
Be flexible and ready to compromise. Again, Stahl advises that the goal of mediation is for parents to focus on their child's needs and not their own. Each parent has an opportunity to present proposals for a parenting plan before the negotiations begin. It may also be helpful to prepare more than one proposal. Bear in mind that mediation is not the place to discuss child support, spousal support or the division of property. Mediation gives parents the opportunity to discuss any concerns about a child and his care. In most cases, co-parenting is seen as the best option, as it allows both parents to share in the responsibility for raising a child.
