Death of a Parent
The death of a parent is one of the most devastating and challenging things that can happen to you as a young adult, regardless of your relationship with your parent or whether you live together. Facing death can be sad and frightening to anyone, but as a young adult, you are coping with physical and mental changes and this event can complicate an already difficult situation. Through all the pain, grief and confusion, carry the knowledge that if you can survive this, you can survive anything.
When a parent or (grandparent) dies, it’s often hard to know what the youngest members of the family are going through. Young children--your brothers or sisters--may seem indifferent or oblivious, but they are likely going through intense and confusing emotions for which they need support.
If your parent dies suddenly or violently, coping is even harder. There is no time to prepare together. For the first day and night it is better to not be alone. Try to stay with the other parent, your brothers or sisters, or a close relative or friends.
It is not uncommon for teens to confide or find help for their grief outside the home; let your other parent know this is not a reflection of them.
You may find some adults avoiding the death issue. Adult family members may consider "your ability" to inhibit tears as "a sign of maturity" or "good adjustment." It is not. By avoiding the death issue yourself and by teaching denial, both you and that person are interfering with your ability to cope effectively with death. A common way in which the mourning process is prevented from taking its natural course is by the suppression (conscious) or repression (unconscious) of an individual's grief. Normal adult grief is characterized by distress, impairment of functioning and a predictable clinical course. Teenage grief that is not allowed to be expressed may cause deep frustration and anger over the loss. That anger may be revealed in nightmares, or be projected onto others or even cause depression.
How You Will Feel
It's normal to have lots of different feelings after the death of someone very close to you. At first you may feel shock, then denial, then anger and finally sadness and depression. You may feel so sad that you just want to withdraw from the world, not wanting to see or speak to anyone or do anything. You may not want to go out of the house, or to school; you may just want to be alone with your thoughts and memories of the deceased parent. Some young people will feel isolated because they think friends shun them or are embarrassed and don't know what to say. This is often the case.
How Your Friends May React
Don't be surprised if your friends find it hard to deal with the death of your parent. They may not know how to talk to you about the subject and so they feel embarrassed to bring it up, thinking it will upset you and you will start crying, and then they won't know what to do.
Your close friends know better, but you can also do a lot to put them at ease. You'll feel a lot more comfortable if you clear the air by saying something like, "You know my mom died; it's okay, we don't have to talk about it." Friends might seem to feel sorry for you, and this may annoy you. People don't usually like to be pitied and not everyone wants their friends to have to be protective of them. If you find that someone tries to be overprotective or over-comforting, be honest and ask them to stop.
What You Can Do
It is okay to cry. Actually, crying can help a lot. Sometimes crying together with your mom or dad or brother or sister can be good for both of you. Some teenagers try to protect their remaining parent by keeping quiet about their own feelings. Don't wait for permission to express what you think and feel. It is okay to talk about your dead parent with anyone you want.
Keeping a diary or journal can be very comforting. Your journal can be a lot like a friend who will listen and not say a word. It is often a huge relief to get thoughts out of your mind and once they are down on paper or in your computer, it is as though you have dealt with them. Some psychologists even recommend writing letters to your deceased parent in your journal as a way of feeling connected to them.
Choose something from your deceased parent that you can keep that will have meaning to you. Then you always have something from them with you. It is normal to want to look through your dead parent's belongings or room or desk. It is also normal to avoid them at first too. In time you will find what is right for you to do.
For some teenagers getting involved in the funeral or memorial service arrangements can be comforting. By choosing music and readings or a cemetery or a place for their ashes if they were cremated, you are given some control over what is going on around you. It is also a final thing you can do for your parent. You decide what you think you can handle.
National Statistics
In the United States, approximately 1 in 20 children experience the loss of a parent before they reach the age of 18 (U.S. Bureau of the Census, 1990). Although most bereaved children do not show serious emotional or behavioral disturbances, children who lose a loved one are at a greater risk for symptoms of depression, withdrawal, anxiety, conduct problems and lower self-esteem. This is why it is so important for you to express your feelings to someone. That person can be a parent, counselor, clergy person, therapist or close relative.
New Worries
When one of your parents dies, you may find that all sorts of things start to worry you that didn't before. You may fear that your other parent will die too. If you have younger brothers or sisters, you may have new responsibilities now and more work to do at home. You may need to help out more with chores, cooking, errands or even get a part time job. In a way, this may help your grief; helping others can be healing too. You may worry about much smaller things too. Don't let small problems overcrowd your mind. Concentrate on one at a time. Deal with the most serious ones first, and then sometimes the smaller ones just take care of themselves.
No one should tell you that you will need to take the place of the parent who has died. If they do, tell them to stop. It is natural for the remaining members of the family to regroup, and some sharing of responsibilities needs to take place in the household, but all that instant responsibility is not yours to take on.
Grief has various patterns and may continue on and off for many years, though it will lessen in intensity. Your surviving parent hopefully will know when you are coming to terms with the death when they show they are accepting the reality of the death themselves. They will be reorganizing life to cope without the losy spouse; returning to normal round of activities and relationships. You need good, realistic memories on which to build your future. It sometimes takes a number of years for a teenager to work through the emotional grieving.
If you feel you are not able to cope with grief and with the problems born of that grief, please seek professional help by asking your family, counselors at school, coaches or teachers.
Member Comments
by jamiedefined on November 27, 2008 at 1:35 AM
I'm not quite a "young adult" as I'm 28, although I've lost both my parents at different times in the last 2 years. It's late and I'm up trying to make sense of it all, as this is some of the only alone time I get.
Thanks for your article, it helped make sense of some of the feelings I'm experiencing. When my mom died, it was a complete shock to me. I recieved a phone call, and that was it. I did my best to seek help and handle it properly, then my dad got sick and I held him as he took his last breath, and that was amazingly terrifying.
Now I'm doing my best to make sense of it all and thats where your article came into play.... it was just nice to read about some of the things I'm going through as normal and part of the process.... I will do my best to get though this.
Jamie
by jwil74 on December 16, 2008 at 10:38 AM
Thank you for this article. I lost my father in January of this year as well as my mother in November of this year. It is very hard for me and I am 34. I am not sure what to do or where to go from here, but I have been praying alot. I will also take many of your methods of coping into consideration. thnx. jwil74
by cassie913 on March 28, 2009 at 2:30 PM
Oh Jamie--I hope you are doing all right. I'm saying a prayer for you!!
by cassie913 on March 28, 2009 at 2:31 PM
Jamie--I will say a prayer for you. Your story made me cry. I hope today is better and all your tomorrows keep getting better.
by Dreamscape77 on November 25, 2009 at 10:29 PM
I found your article while browsing for grieving sites on the internet. I've been trying to hide mine mostly, I've been unable to sleep unless I take sleeping pills, and I've lost my ability to want to do things to take care of myself as far as walking goes, or exercise, as well as my eating habits have changed. I am 31 years old. I lost my mother when I was 16, she was murdered in her own home. And this past year, I've lost a grandfather in October, and then my father in November, who apparently was in jail and had cancer. We hadn't spoken because of his lifestyle with drugs in 12 years, so I have been feeling extremely guilty also. Thanks for the article, it has helped some, and at least I know I'm not the only one going through this...not to sound mean about it.
by weasley69 on November 28, 2009 at 10:12 PM
My dad passed away on November 22, 2009. He was 60. I was 16, my older sister was 18, and my younger 13. It was in the middle of the night, and a shock to us all. It is now November 29, 2009, and I've decided to accept his death. Its not the first family member I've lost. My Grandmother(Dads side), whom I was very close with passed away in June 2008, and my Grandfather(Mums side) passed away February 2009. I've stayed up all night, to find sad songs to help me cope. I've sat here crying listening to the Beatles, and to the Fray. After my cry, I feel much better, and reading this article really helped with my dealing. Thank you.
Let it be:)
by cRazy101 on December 2, 2009 at 10:06 PM
f
by danman5576 on December 13, 2009 at 1:21 PM
I found this article helpful. I lost my dad May 8th, 2009 and I can still remember the phone call from the hospital. I remember the doctor telling me that my dad had just passed away. I have nightmares still. My sleeping patterns are good some nights and others I lay in bed and just think about my dad and wonder when my mom's time is coming. I am 33 yrs old. I have experienced death at the beginning of 1997, when I lost both of my grandparents. They died a month apart. My dad was only 59, he would have been 60 this past Sept 1st. These holidays are so hard, we just passed Thanksgiving... Now with Christmas coming up.... its hard to watch friends and other family talking about getting their dad's gifts and the excitement on their faces. I have to remove myself from their happiness, because I dont want to take away from their joy. I feel so alone still. I just recently went to the doctor to try some medications. They seem to help some, but the thoughts are still there and the void of my dad. I miss him everyday.
by christian22 on January 8, 2010 at 7:27 PM
i found this article to be helpfull im 15 and i lost my father june 11 2009 he was 47 and he had a heart attack.it was very sudden and shocking i remember everything like it was yesterday and the pain hasnt went away at all. i find my self lying in bed at nigh wondering why god took him from me.the holidays where really tough but i got through them.i feel like one day im ok with the fact my dad past and the next i cant understand why and i just really wish he was here.. im glade i read this article becuase now ik that the things i am goin through are normal.
by IcouldntThinkOf on January 12, 2010 at 11:53 PM
I think this article will help me in the next week or so because my father is going to pass away within that time. I am 15 and my dad has brain, throat, liver, lung, bone, and kidney cancer... He was diagnosed in February of 2009 with just throat cancer. Within almost a year he has been in the hospital dosens of times and about 4 months ago he had to go to the ER for somthing (i cant remember what) and they found five marble size tumors in his lungs....he was only in remission for about 3 weeks at that point. After that he went to the doctor to get a full body scan and they found it evryware in his body and they said the tumor in his brain was the worst... they gave him 6 months to a year to live but, then he went back for a check up on it and they said it was extremley aggresive... the tumor in his brain had growen twice its original size within a few weeks and at that point they decreased his living time between 4 to 6 weeks. About a 2 weeks ago my mom and dad went to california to take my oldest brother back to his house and have christmas down there and about 5 days ago my father was admitted into the hospital with nemonia and a MRCA ifection. yesterday my mother called me and my other older brother sister-inlaw crying and she said that my dad is barley breathing and they are going to try and force air into his lungs to try and make him breath but, today she called us back and said that she sighned a DNR and the doctors could not put him on life support because of the cancer in his throat and the risk of him bleeding out because of it.... On thursday (1/14/2010) me and my brother are going to drive down there to see him one more time before he passes at 53 years old....Im sorry for any mistakes or how i wrote this because i am upset at the moment and i think this article will help me cope through it because i will miss him alot.
by Jellybeaner103 on January 18, 2010 at 12:07 AM
I just lost my father this past week on January 12,2010.We had an extremely close relationship.He died unexpectedly.I feel so guilty.Im only 23 and he was only 57 I cant believe he's really gone. I keep dreaming that he's calling me saying he's okay.I dont know how to go on..........
by sarahblunt on January 21, 2010 at 2:23 PM
im 15 years old, my mother died when i was 12.
i never really show emotion, after that time i stopped and became sort of heartless. not in a bad way heartless but like i dont have feelings, i dont get hurt easily and im always mad
but i thank god cause i do have alot of friends, and i give and give
the fact is i dont know what to do? should i be facing my emotions i mean like 3 years have passed. im angry, im happy and ive NEVER EVER EVER cried infront of anyone
most of my friends know my mother died, but we never talk about it. i dont tell people my mother died, i say she traveled. i dont want to be pittied
my dads an ass, he is sort of a player and he still hits me, hes abusive in his words and nothing satisfys him
ive even walked in on him having sex in our own house
he has a girlfriend every week, im sick and tired of me having to take care of my younger brother. i dont know what to do anymore
i hate my whole family, everythings just fucked up
ive only visited my mothers grave twice
how do i deal with all this? and no im not going to sit and write in a diary, ive tired everything. today i lost my temper so i broke a glass
guys have been asking me out, i say: fuck yourself
i dont know
people say im gorgeous with my green eyes, brunnette hair but like, i dont feel that way
by Missumom on January 26, 2010 at 12:53 PM
I feel all of ua pain and i honestly wish i could help, i just turned 21 last November and i lost my mother,THE ONLY PARENT that have known all my life in October 2006 just before i turned 18, I have come a long way in dealing with this.I moved to the United states about a year ago and i amtrying t finish college so i can get a job and support myself, sometimes its so hard when i feel like am alone in this world with nobody to call me and tell me everything is going to be okey,I think about my mum everyday and how things would have been easier, how she would tell me that she loves me and be there for me through the hard times in life, if she was still around to support me and be there for me.After my mother passed away , i moved away from the town we use to live in together and i have never visited that town again.I plan to Go back to Africa, to that town and i dont know how am gonna deal with all the memories of me and her together.for now i struggle everyday without her, i miss her terribly. I hope everybody that posts here will be okey and feel okey someday.
by ctgurl08325 on February 1, 2010 at 12:17 PM
I'm 19 lost my dad a week ago January, 26th 2010... i saw him take his last breath and that was the hardest thing to see in my life. i went to work today and i keep telling myself everythings okay, but it's not every second i wanna curl into a ball and cry, and sometimes just scream. I've been trying to be so hard for my step- mother but it's getting harder and harder to hold it in... she's ill and dying as well... yesterday she stopped breathing!!!.... she's okay now but i don't think i could handle two deaths in the same month... i don't have a pastor and i don't have money so i have no clue who i should talk to...
by elibee on February 2, 2010 at 6:04 AM
My dad was diagnosed with throat cancer on the 23rd December 2009. He was told to go in for an operation. Many people have had this operation and it has been fine. He went in, we saw him four days later sitting up and happily writing messages. The next day he dislodged the breathing tube in his throat and was deprived of oxygen for nearly 20 minutes. The doctors think he may be brain-dead but are trying to wake him up... I just turned 16 and my dad is 58. And I really need him home because there is so much we still have to do together. This article helped a lot,even though he isn't dead yet, and I really pray he doesn't.
by Stacer717 on February 11, 2010 at 12:20 AM
My mom was diagnosed with a rare cancer sinonasal melanoma in November of 2009 it then spread down her next to her lymph nodes from there it went in to her liver and stomach cavity. on january 6th if this year we were told that the cancer and over taken her liver and treatment wasn't not a possibility she passed away 5 short days later. I held her hand with my sisters as she took her last breath.my mom was one of my best friends and it has been very hard accepting that she is gone and everyday I wish she was still here.
This article has helped me understand alot of the emotions I feel and how to talknto
others.
by chella32 on February 12, 2010 at 8:23 PM
I am so sorry for all of your losses im still trying to deal with my moms sudden death jan 3 this yr they say it was a heartattack and nearly broke my heart.I have some good days and alot of bad days she was my rock! she showed me how to be alady she told me everything i need to know about life I live a thousand miles away from my family and i miss them so much I have two kids and a husband but i still feel alone :(I pray all the time when im feeling lost or empty I dont understand why we must suffer this way but I do trust God will let me see her again RIP Linda Garcia I have to remember we walk by faith not by sight God Bless everyone who reads this . btw im32
by khilliker on March 1, 2010 at 8:01 AM
My mom died on 12/12/09 at the age of 61. My stepdad, the only father I have known became engaged to an 18 year old African American girl ( I dan't call her a woman) on February 11, 2010, not even 2 months had passed since my mother's death. I promised my mother and his I would not abandon him, but I can't accept this child as my mother's replacement. Am I wrong to feel betrayal to my mom? I have not let him know how I feel yet, and need to before it comes out the wrong way. He has already stated if people can't accept it then good bye. He has gone into debt in just a few short months, new car, fur, paying for college, jewelry, dog, not to mention the fact he is letting rid the house of any memory of my mom. Any advice out there?
by blackbirdflies on March 1, 2010 at 7:10 PM
I'm so sorry to all of you who are having a difficult time, a friend of mine has just lost his father and I wasn't too sure how to handle it and talk with him. My thoughts are with him and everyone, hopefully time can help heal.
by miglin on March 3, 2010 at 8:57 AM
ctgurl08325, you asked about who you could talk to if you don't have a pastor or money to pay for counseling. I just wanted to suggest finding a local hospice. They usually have bereavement counselors who can meet with you a few times without cost and can provide information about support groups or other options. One parent's death is incredibly painful, as I know from experiencing my own father's death; I can't imagine losing a second parent so shortly after! My thoughts are with you and I hope you can find some good support in friends, family or somewhere in your community.
by loricandelario on March 4, 2010 at 9:27 AM
I've just been given a terminal diagnosis. I have 3 children ages 5, 7,and 9. I've got maybe 3 years at best. Will by children remember me? What do I do, where do i start? I'm so sad for them..its too late for me. I want them to have happy lives and not be sad. Do I start looking for a new mom while I'm alive? any input?
by AmyAnn419 on March 6, 2010 at 12:57 AM
Today, Is the 9th yeat I have been without my father. I lost him when I was 15, I am 24 now. It has been a long 9 years. I miss my father everyday that passes. He was taken away from me too soon
by Skyler97 on March 19, 2010 at 8:14 PM
im 13 and i woke up today with my dead 40 year old mom she died from a rare type of long term lymes disease and now my dad is in shock and havent heard from him ever since i told him. my dad has a history of attemted drug suicide and i dont this it would work out if he killed himself after this please give me inputs on how to cope with myself andlive with this the feeling is so strong and im afriad, im being passed around through my family and even some i dont likelike a softball i cant belive shes dead it hurts so much i cant belive it
by kamya73 on March 21, 2010 at 4:06 PM
i
by kamya73 on March 22, 2010 at 6:20 PM
I'm 27 and I lost my mom (who was also my best friend, confidante, teacher) on Jan. 24, 2010 to stomach cancer at the age of 63. She was only diagnosed in Sept 2009 and showed no signs of it before the occasional vomiting started last summer. Since she was incredibly healthy right up until the diagnosis, we all thought she was going to beat this and even made plans for all the fun we'd have after she was better.
Although I miss her terribly, I can't say I have any complaints about the way she died. She was on a steady stream of morphine so she basically slipped away in her sleep with her dad, me and 15 other people who loved her in the hospital room with her. Her passing was one of the most peaceful, beautiful things I'd ever seen especially since she died the way she lived---with a smile on her face.
To everyone out there, what's working for me is picturing my mom with me in all my quiet moments. Would she want me to feel bad that she's no longer in her diseased body, or would she want me to be happy that she's now experiencing all the wonder and beauty of the universe? If it were the other way around, I'd want her to be glad I was dead instead of living a sub-par life.
by kamya73 on March 22, 2010 at 6:20 PM
To khilliker, your stepdad is coping with your mom's loss by moving on way too fast and trying to avoid facing his pain. Paul McCartney did the same thing when he remarried a much younger woman right after his wife of 30 years died (which was a famous disaster). Your stepdad may think he can evade the pain by replacing your mom, but he may later find he's replaced one relationship with a totally different one... it won't be the same. Tell him how you feel in a calm, straightforward way, and if all else fails, encourage him to at least get a pre-nup.
To loricandelario, my heart goes out to you and your babies. Take as many pictures as you can with your kids write them letters to be opened on future special days (birthdays, graduations, etc.), and maybe videotape messages for them. Develop a network of family and friends to come over regularly... that way, your kids will feel equally comfortable with them no matter what happens to you. That way, they'll never feel alone during the grieving process or beyond.
And try to tell them death is a lot like birth... it's just another rite of passage, it won't hurt you, and you'll always be with them but just in another form. Go on YouTube and show them Nickelback's "Never Gonna Be Alone" video (which came out right after my mom passed)... I know she's communicating with me in little ways like that. :) Lots of love and prayers for everyone out there.
by verysad on April 5, 2010 at 12:11 PM
My boyfriend passed away in January this year. I lived and took care of him through his cancer treatment and last months of life which were just awful for him. He left me in charge of his final affairs. His children are being terrible. I don't know how to handle it. They blame me for everything. Their lives were never interrupted that last year. Their Dad and I just did the best we could. Now they are consumed with greed, grief and guilt. All of that being directed at me. They are both are in early 30's.
by myfatheralways on April 6, 2010 at 10:21 AM
thank you this has helped me a whole lot i'm just 17 and my brother and sisters have lost our father who was shot i didn't know how to react but i'm feel better now i'm just happy i got to speak with him before he died thank you
by jayfer11 on July 19, 2010 at 11:50 AM
I lost my father about three months ago.
Im only 17.
My parents were already divorced, since i was 6.
I went to an eye appt with my dad the morning of..
i got home from school and my sister called me crying,
she wanted to talk to my mom.
i told her she wasnt home and asked her what was wrong.
she told me.
i didnt want to belive her. i started balling too.
he was killed in a motorcycle accident.
i really dont understand why he was taken, i guess
it was just his time to go.
I have had a VERY hard time dealing with it. my sister hides her feelings she doesnt grieve. that makes everything worse.
she went to the hospital for 72 hrs for wanting to commit suicide.
my dads death turned my world around. my life changed in an instant.i will always miss him, the pain will never leave me.