Sexual Abuse and Incest on Children

Protecting Yourself and Children

Parents want to protect children from sexual abuse, but they can't always be there to do it. Since that is the reality in life, children and teens need to know about sexual abuse in order to increase their awareness and coping skills. Without frightening children and teens, we need to provide them with appropriate safety information and support at every stage of their development.

Even the best-educated child or teenager cannot always avoid sexual abuse. Children who are well prepared will be more likely to tell if abuse has occurred. This is a person's best defense. As a teenager, you need to know:

that you are loved and deserve to be safe

the difference between safe and unsafe touches

the proper names for all body parts, so you will be able to communicate clearly

that safety rules apply to all adults, not just strangers

that your body belongs to you, and nobody has the right to touch you or hurt you

that you can say "no" to requests that make you feel uncomfortable--even from a close relative, family friend or friend

to report if any adult asks you to keep a secret

that some adults or siblings have problems

that you can rely on others to believe and protect you if you talk about abuse

that you are not to blame for sexual abuse

to tell a trusted adult about abuse, even if you are afraid of what may happen





Listening To a Child or a Friend

If someone trusts you enough to tell you about an incident of sexual abuse, you are in an important position to help that person recover. The following suggestions can help you provide positive support. Keep in mind that sometimes it’s important just to listen.

Do:

Keep calm. It is important to remember that you are not angry with the person, but at what happened. Children can mistakenly interpret anger or disgust as directed toward them.

Believe her! In most circumstances, children or teens do not lie about sexual abuse.

Give positive messages, such as "I know you couldn't help it" or "I'm proud of you for telling."

Explain to the person that he is not to blame for what happened.

Listen to and answer the child's questions honestly.

Respect the person's privacy. Be careful not to discuss the abuse in front of people who do not need to know what happened.

Be Responsible. Report the incident to the Department of Human Services in your state, or to a guidance counselor, or to the school nurse or to a teacher that you trust. They can help protect the person's safety; they can contact the Department of Human Services and provide other resources for further help.

Help the person get help. Getting competent professional counseling, even if it's only for a short time, is essential.

Call the sexual-assault crisis center nearest you. In the United States, to be automatically connected with the crisis line of the crisis center nearest you, please call the RAINN hotline, toll-free, at (800) 656-HOPE. That is a good place to start.


Don't:

Panic or overreact when the person talks about the experience. People need help and support to make it through this difficult time.

Pressure the person to talk about (or avoid talking about) the abuse. Allow the person to talk at her own pace. Forcing information can be harmful. Silencing the person will not help her to forget.

Confront the offender in the person's presence. The stress may be harmful. This is a job for the authorities.

Blame the child. Sexual abuse or incest is never the child's fault!





No child or teenager is ever responsible for the actions of an abuser, adult or otherwise. If you are the victim, you may feel you are to blame for your abuse. You may feel lots of different emotions; this is normal, and a necessary part of the "healing process."

Remember, there is "life" after abuse. If you talk to someone--a teacher, a therapist or a trusted adult--you may find that the feelings of anger, shame, guilt and depression start to fade away, and that your life can have a brighter future full of promise. Even though your memories of abuse may never go away, you can learn how to file them away into a place where they will be safe and you will no longer be haunted by them. Those nightmares may go away, too; mine did.

There is no magic cure for sexual abuse or incest. Beginning in 1999, the Incest Awareness Foundation planned to organized an annual "To Tell The Truth Conference" for the greater New York area in the U.S. Started in 1992 by adult incest survivors, "To Tell The Truth" has become a nationwide network in which survivors can be heard and heal.

Many people's lives are touched by incest. You may have a friend or family member who is a survivor. You might be a survivor yourself. The effects of incest on our community are staggering. If you need someone to talk to about abuse or incest, please call RAINN at (800) 656-HOPE. In the United States, the Incest Awareness Foundation number is (888) 547-3222. **See the Hotline page; there are new phone numbers there. I have had complaints about RAINN!**

See our Self-Injury page for more on that topic.




Resources on the Web

There are many good resources on the web. Here are some that I have found especially good for various reasons:

Survivors of Incest Anonymous, Inc.

World Service Office for Incest Survivors

A Boy’s Story - The Spirit of Innocence, The Gift of Sight
(a must-see site for all survivors)

Memories of Adult Survivors, by a Ph.D. at Boston University School of Medicine

Resources for Survivors
A long list of sites and newsgroups for all survivors

Adult Survivors of Child Abuse - Physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse and neglect


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One Survivor Speaks
I am a survivor of incest, and it feels good to write that now. The incest started around age 3 and lasted about 7 years--until I had the guts to tell my mum, who believed me. She divorced my father and we moved far away from him. My father was the perpetrator. I will spare you the details, as I don't think that's so important now. I didn't know then what other kids did with their fathers; I never knew anything else. When I realized that I was different--around age 12, after talking with girlfriends--I started to self-injure, I think because it felt like a release of some of the guilt and shame I had about being an incest survivor (not victim). You see, part of me thinks that I "should" have told my mother sooner. But I was a little girl and this was the secret my father and I had. I didn't like it, but I didn't know anything else. I went through the "promiscuous stage" when I was about 15 to 17, and I knew that this was NOT normal or healthy, so I found a therapist through my school. Then I realized that this, too, was related to the incest in my past. I think it touches every aspect of my life, even if I don't want it to. I think cutting is about transferring the emotional pain to the physical pain. I believe that is my situation. I cut or injure myself with a knife that I have (it is not very sharp). I have been in therapy for about 5 years now. It has helped a lot with the incest issue, but I am still cutting when I feel anxious or upset. I think it is like a smoker who knows it is not good for them, but they keep smoking anyway. I hope one day I can stop. I am no longer a victim; I am a survivor, and now I can live through anything, so that is a start. Thank you for letting me share this with you. Cindy, age 23--Melbourne, Australia

Thank you, Cindy, for sharing a part of you with us.