It may seem to you that your teen is determined--by any means necessary--to let you know he's no longer satisfied with being treated like the child he once was. From your point of view, if your teen was a handful before adolescence, he's a busload now. And from his point of view, you're no cup of sugar either. During this second phase of parenting, things can get pretty rough if you're not aware of what to expect and how to respond to normal teen behavior.
Significance
The teenage years can be a time when everything you thought you knew about your child goes out the window, says psychologist Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D., author of "The Connected Father: Understanding Your Unique Role and Responsibilities during Your Child's Adolescence." The first hard fact you need to face once your 9- to 13-year-old steps into adolescence is that you're not dealing with a child. Preteens and teens are supposed to push limits and assert independence. So "get used to it," says Pickhardt.
Misconceptions
Pickhardt says parents who feel totally put upon by their teen's behavior need a new attitude. Your teen isn't just being a typical adolescent to get on your nerves. "She's doing it for herself, for her own growth, unmindful of you," says Pickhardt. The typical teen is too self-centered to be mindful of how her actions affect you. Parents should not to be quick to push the "punish" button over normal teen behavior. On the other hand, while it's important for you to accept your teen's growth process, you must also insist that she own up to the effects of her choices.
Function
The parent of a teen may wonder where the magic of childhood went. During childhood, you were the center of your child's world. But during adolescence, he might often prefer hanging out with his friends over spending time with you, while you might often find him downright offensive. And if you're feeling that way, the feeling's probably mutual. Pickhardt says this disenchantment is all part of your teen separating himself from you so that he can become a fully independent adult.
Features
It's perfectly normal for a teen to push for as much freedom as possible as soon as possible, says Pickhardt. The natural inclination of parents is to resist this push due to concerns over responsibility and safety. Like the story that never ends, this tug-of-war scenario will continuously rerun until adolescence ends and gives way to full adulthood and all the responsibility it entails. Hopefully, for the both of you, your teen will no longer behave like an adolescent by the time she enters her mid-20s.
Time Frame
Adolescence is a 10- to 12-year phase, says Pickhardt. He adds that in order to "anticipate normal tensions, conflicts and problems that will predictably unfold," parents need to bear in mind just how long adolescence lasts and know what to expect. However, knowing what to expect doesn't mean you have to accept unacceptable behavior. Don't let teens off the hook when they make a mess--either literally or figuratively. Give your teens the best information you can, keep the channels of communication open and express your love and acceptance on a regular basis.
References
- "Psychology Today": An Adolescent is NOT a Child; Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D.; Jan. 29, 2009
- "The Connected Father: Understanding Your Unique Role and Responsibilities during Your Child's Adolescence"; Carl Pickhardt, Ph.D.; 2007
