What Constitutes a Family?

I talk with many people who are struggling with relationship problems. Based on these discussions, it has become clear to me that some of the most difficult, as well as some of the most common, relationship problems involve “family.” So often, the people I talk to tell me they feel miserable, stuck in an endless cycle of pain and suffering and unable to establish healthier relationships with their biological families. It’s as though there is some sort of unwritten law that says if we are born into a certain group of people, the ties are unbreakable and inescapable. We simply have no other choice but to remain a member of an exclusive group of people, determined by our DNA and described as our “family.”

But what if those ties are toxic? What if those people are not good for you? What if they are abusive--physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually or even sexually? What if they constantly leave you feeling used, abused, betrayed, rejected and ultimately abandoned by love, constantly questioning what you did to deserve it? What if you really don’t matter to them, or your wants, needs and rights as a spiritual being having a human experience don’t seem to exist? What if being a member of your biological family leave you feeling like you’re sitting all alone in the infinite void with the primal wound of non-existence, an insignificant “it” rather than a sacred “thou?”

What then? What can you do? Do you have to “stay” just because you share DNA?

Well, you are free to come to whatever conclusion you feel is right for you, but my opinion on the matter is this: DNA does NOT determine family. Nor does it guarantee that you will be treated like a VIP with TLC. In fact, it could result in just the opposite.

As such, I encourage people to consider redefining what “family” really means to them. For me, a true family consists of people who chose each other, love each other, respect each other and treat each other with consideration and concern for every member's overall well-being and happiness. True families are based on unconditional love and acceptance of everyone, whether they have biological ties or not. Indeed, families are inclusively fueled by love, not exclusive based on DNA.

Family is about choice. It is a choice to have a relationship with someone. It’s about commitment and devotion to that relationship. It’s about creating a safe place for people to come together and love. Family is where people feel they belong and are wanted and needed. If you feel like you are "at home,” then you are with your “family.”

Allow yourself to expand your definition of family beyond your genetic inheritance to include an emotional/spiritual family of choice, and find where you belong.