Preteens are children that are age 9 to 12 years and they can have a much different reaction to death than a teenager or adult would have. According to North Dakota State University, preteens can have a better understanding about the permanence of death but may believe that the death has occurred because they have done something wrong. There are several different stages that a child this age may move through in the grieving process.
Denial
Denial is one of the first stages that preteens will go through when they are grieving the loss of a loved one or friend. Preteens may want to live in a fantasy world where the deceased people will return. They may imagine their loved ones returning and even dream about their return. Preteens may at times seem unwilling to accept the fact that people are deceased. However, giving preteens the time they need to work through this stage is very important. Parents should make themselves available to talk with preteen when they are ready.
Anger
Preteens may be very emotional about the death of their loved ones and show frustration or anger. Some preteens can become very angry and act out their frustrations on family members, friends or even inanimate objects like toys or furniture. Preteens experiencing this anger will often be inconsolable for a period of time and may not want to discuss the death with anyone. According to Gerard A. Jacobs, Ph.D, with the University of South Dakota, preteens may also be angry with the people who died and feel that their loved ones abandoned them. Parents should not become angry with children experiencing this stage. It is important for parents to remain calm and understand that their children are simply going through a stage that they will eventually get through. Parents should remind preteens that they are available if their children want to talk.
Bargaining
According to Gerard A. Jacobs, Ph.D, with the University of South Dakota, preteens may understand the permanence of death but mistakenly believe that they can bring the person back if they correct something that they have done wrong. They may try to bargain with God to return their loved ones and bring them back to like. They may try to offer something of themselves or a game or toy that they love in order to bargain with God.
Guilt or Depression
Guilt or depression may also overcome preteens who are experiencing the death of loved ones. According to Gerard A. Jacobs, Ph.D with the University of South Dakota, children may feel responsible for the deaths of their loved ones and have guilt or depression related to this. They may feel that their bad behavior caused the death of their loved one. This can be a very frightening feeling for preteens and sometimes result in profound depression. It is important for parents to keep a close eye on their children and talk to them frequently to reassure them that it was not something that they did that caused the death of their loved one. If preteens are having a great deal of difficulty getting through this stage, it may be necessary to consult a physician or mental health professional for assistance.
Acceptance
Acceptance is the final stage that preteens will move through as they deal with the death of a loved one. Preteens may show that they understand that the death is a permanent situation and that they can do nothing to change this fact. Their mood will improve and they will return to doing normal activities with other family members and friends. They may smile more and be less tearful. However, according to Gerard A. Jacobs, Ph.D with the University of South Dakota, this lack of tears does not indicate a lack of sorrow or absence of mourning. In fact, preteens may still have periods of mourning that may last for several years.
