1. Determine Why the Child's Tantrums are Occurring
Remember that 23 to 83 percent of all 2- to 4-year-olds display occasional outbursts of anger associated with temper tantrums. Therefore, these aggressive flare-ups are a natural part of a child's development, arising from inner conflict between his wants and his inability to fulfill them. Nevertheless, parents can either reduce or worsen these tantrums depending upon how they respond to the behavior.
The signs of a tantrum include kicking, screaming, lying on the floor, holding breath and even biting. Whenever children demonstrate these behaviors, it is critical for you to remain calm, show understanding, uphold the rules and offer the child a more positive means of expressing her frustration. Usually, children display excessive anger as a reaction to unmet developmental needs. This occurs when parents discipline inconsistently, are overly critical, neglect the child, become overprotective or fail to provide enough love and attention. Other causes include family disruptions such as divorce or separation, parental disability and illness.
2. Manage Your Anger
Young children are like sponges, absorbing the world around them, learning how to interact based on the actions of others and repeating what they have seen with innocent efficiency. If you have difficulty controlling your own anger or if you demonstrate aggressive outbursts in the presence of your child, there is a good chance the child is simply modeling your reactions. In this case, the first thing you should do is learn to control your anger by finding a positive means of expressing it.
Never discipline your child when you are angry because your emotional aggravation will be more apparent to the child than the good instructions you are attempting to provide. Instead, take a moment to calm yourself and demonstrate with your tone and your actions the correct way to manage stress and handle frustration. Children don't know how to express their unrest in positive ways unless they are first taught how. You should also redirect the child's attention to avert a tantrum. If your child is upset because you wouldn't let him bang on the television, offer a substitute such as a pan or a drum. Whenever you take something bad away, give something good back in return. When you do, your child's frustration will subside, circumventing an aggressive outburst.
3. Break the Cycle of Child Aggression
Tantrums in young children typically result from a cycle of negative interaction between the parent and the child. When major concerns such as abuse, neglect or family dysfunction are not present, anger emerges as a reaction to insufficient parenting skills. Carol Tavris examined this pattern in her book, "Anger: The Misunderstood Emotion," which has proven to be an invaluable resource for parents combating their children's tantrums. Essentially, the negative cycle formed between parent and child initiates a state of behavioral conditioning wherein both parties contribute to the outbursts.
First, an exasperated parent disciplines their child in such a way that it perceives the correction as criticism or rejection. In response, the child acts aggressively by throwing a tantrum. Reeling from this outburst, the parent withdraws, allowing the child to win the dispute. When this occurs, the child learns that angry tactics and explosive outbursts are tools for getting her way and becomes conditioned to respond aggressively whenever a parent intervenes. Consequently, the cycle repeats itself multiple times every day, growing stronger each time the child is rewarded for disobedience. Research indicates that, unless the cycle is broken, rebellious children will grow up to be rebellious adolescents and adults, increasing the risk of their developing behavioral disorders and committing criminal offenses.
4. Practice Effective Parenting Skills
Discipline should be prompt and brief. Time-outs are useful for calming emotions, though, in some cases, physical restraint may be necessary. Explain your actions to the child by letting him know what he is being disciplined for and why. Time-outs are most effective when their duration is no longer than 2 to 5 minutes, depending upon the child's age. Be compassionate when explaining to your child that his actions affect others. Help him to see alternate points of view.
Children who have been taught an adequate sense of right and wrong will naturally feel remorse upon realizing their behavior has hurt someone else. While communicating, encourage your child to speak by demonstrating empathy for her feelings. Simple conversation will often reveal the reason for her tantrum. Firmly insist that kicking and screaming to get attention, manipulate or punish is not acceptable.
Finally, keep your expectations appropriate to your child's age and developmental abilities. Set clear limits without demanding unachievable behavior. To maximize the effectiveness of your training, quickly reward creativity, kindness and other positive actions. Demonstrate your expectations of courtesy by saying "Please" and "Thank you." Give compliments often, surround your child with love and patiently point out the rewards of positive behaviors. With time and practice, your child will have no need to secure your attention or cope with frustration by showing aggression.
