A relationship involves two people with independent ideas. Sometimes there are disagreements and conflicts. This is normal and doesn't have to affect the relationship negatively---if you use effective communication techniques. Discussions may get heated, but you can resolve conflicts if both parties are willing to listen and understand the other person's point of view.
Definition
Effective communication means receiving and understanding a message, according to the State of Washington Superintendent of Public Instruction. One person tells something to the other, intending it to have a specific meaning. The other interprets it and checks the accuracy of his interpretation to ensure it's what the first person meant. Then he responds, and the process reverses.
Function
Sometimes communication is just the exchange of information, but it can be more challenging. You may need to make a mutually satisfactory decision or resolve a conflict. For example, you may want to go a party with your spouse that she does not want to attend, or you may have to decide where to go on a family vacation or how to discipline a child. Effective communication enables you to resolve this situations efficiently.
Barriers
There are many barriers to effective communication in a relationship. Partners build an emotional history which can raise defensiveness. For example, your husband might want to vacation at the beach It sounds simple, but you may feel upset or frustrated because he knows you dislike beach trips and has insisted on going for the past several years. This baggage makes you respond defensively. He gets upset and a simple talk turns into a fight about selfishness.
Another barrier is simply not paying full attention. You hear what the other person says but interpret it through your own world view. This affects your response and your partner gets angry because he feels misunderstood.
Techniques
Many communication barriers can be eliminated with techniques like reflective listening, which promotes understanding. The first person speaks without interruption. The second summarizes what she believes she heard, and the first makes any necessary corrections. Then the roles reverse.
You should also write a goal with your partner at the beginning of the discussion. This provides a neutral way to redirect the conversation if it gets off track. For example, the issue is when your spouse will do a certain home repair. If you start to complain that he never does any work around the house, he can bring you back to the goal.
Creating and writing down effective communication rules also keeps you focused. They can include goal writing, reflective listening and other mutually agreeable things. For example, you can ban bringing up the past, name calling and accusations.
Assistance
You and your partner may have a difficult time breaking old communication habits. A marriage and family therapist provides neutral territory for practicing healthy discussions. She also gives pointers for other techniques. You can start implementing the new rules at home once you have learned to do so in her office.
You may be able to find couples communication classes as an alternative to individual counseling. They are typically offered by social service agencies, churches, colleges and counseling offices.
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