Rape--Reporting a Rape

If you have been assaulted, you have the right to have a crime victim advocate at any medical examination or legal proceeding related to the crime, including any meetings with law enforcement officers.

If you are thinking about going to the hospital for an exam or talking with the police, you can call your you local rape crisis center and ask for an advocate to be with you. If you are at the hospital or with the police and an advocate hasn't been called, you can ask for one.

You also have the right to an advocate to be there for support whenever you meet with a prosecutor (county attorney) or go to court.

In addition to the right to an advocate, you also have the right to a free medical examination (Sexual Assault Evidence Exam), paid for by the state in which you live or where the incident occurred.

How you Can Help a Survivor of a Sexual Assault

Most of us know someone who is a survivor of sexual abuse or assault. When someone you know tells you that she was sexually abused, sometimes it's hard to know what to say. You might not want to pry, and at the same time you might want to express your concern. Your own feelings may make it difficult to be supportive of the survivor. Sometimes it's hard to find the right words to express caring and empathy. A hug is a good start.

Here are some things that victim/survivors have indicated are helpful, supportive responses from people close to them. These are guidelines; they can help let the survivor know that you care and that you want to be supportive. Think of it as basic first aid: it probably won't "fix" it or make the trauma disappear, but it can help the survivor feel less isolated and more safe or supported.

We often use "she" or "her" to refer to the survivor, because women and girls are most often the targets of sexual violence. However, men and boys are also abused; the information here applies to both male and female survivors.

How to Help Someone

Communicate these points: "I'm sorry that it happened"; "I'm glad you survived"; and "It's not your fault."
Sexual abuse takes away the victim's power and control. Afterward, the survivor should be allowed to be in control and to make her own decisions. Even if you don't like the decisions she makes, and even if they're not the choices you would have made, you can best support her healing by supporting her decisions.

Many survivors blame themselves for the abuse. Tell her over and over again that no matter what she did, it was not her fault. She did not commit a crime; the assailant did. No one asks or deserves to be raped.

If she feels guilty for not fighting back, tell her that no matter what she did when she was raped, she acted in the best manner she could. Fear often paralyzes people. Sometimes it feels safer to "cooperate" or submit to an assault; this does not make her a willing participant. Submission does not equal consent. She did what she needed to do to survive.

Ask the survivor how she wants to be treated, especially when doing anything that may violate her personal space. Even if you mean well and want to offer comfort, remember that the person who assaulted her took away her control over her body. She may not want to be touched or accompanied; if she does, she can let you know when you ask. For example: "Would you like me to come with you?" or "Do you want a hug?".

Be a good listener. Be nonjudgmental and non-blaming. You weren't there; the survivor is the only one who knows what it was like.

Assist her in getting the help she wants and needs. This may mean providing phone numbers, transportation, information, etc.

Talk to someone else about your feelings about the rape. Sexual assault can also be traumatic for the friends, families, partners and others close to the victim. You deserve support, too. In the United States, call the RAINN phone number: (800) 656-HOPE.

Some Guidelines to Follow

Don't give advice or try to tell her what to do.
Don't tell her what you would have done.
Don't ask her if she did anything to "lead him on." This includes asking what she was wearing, asking why she was with him or why she didn't fight him off, etc. The assailant made a choice to commit an assault; he could have chosen otherwise.
Don't prevent her from talking about the rape if she wants to. Nobody willingly "dwells on it." If she wants to talk about it, she deserves to be able to do so. You don't have to be available 24 hours a day; in the United States, you can suggest the Rape Abuse Incest National Network--(800) 656-HOPE. They are available 24 hours, 7 days a week.
Don't insist that she talk to someone about it. Talking to a stranger, even if it's a counselor on a rape-crisis line, can feel scary and intrusive. Talking to someone close may not feel comfortable either. Not everyone finds it helpful to talk about it. She knows, better than anyone else, what will be most useful for her.
Don't press her to report the incident to the police. Reporting is a very big step; it might require more time, energy, courage and safety than she feels she has at this time. If she wants to report, do support her in that decision. If she is not ready to report, please respect that decision as well.
Don't break her trust by telling others about it without her permission. She should have the control over who knows, and over when and with whom she talks about it.
Don't imply that it wasn't "real" rape if she knew the person who assaulted her.
Rape is a violent crime; it is a criminal act. Like other crimes of violence, there's the potential that it can happen to any of us. While there are steps we can take to protect ourselves, ultimately it's something that may happen no matter what we do.