In its 2000 National Violence Against Women survey, the United States Department of Justice reported that one in four women was raped and/or physically assaulted by her husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. The traits of an abuser are not always easy to recognize, particularly for those involved in the relationship. Women should know what characteristics to look for and how to spot an abusive relationship so that they can leave before the abuse escalates to violence.
Isolation
Abusive husbands isolate their spouses from friends and family. They do this to cut off the women's support systems and to make them believe that their abuser is the only person that they can turn to. The abuser particularly denies any contact with people who may encourage the wife to leave the relationship so that they can sustain their power over them. In extreme cases, the abuser will discourage the wife from working outside the home or attending school.
The isolation may happen gradually and quietly, or in a more quick and dramatic fashion. It may start with the husband making the wife feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from him. He shuns social invitations that include her friends and family. Things may gradually progress until he is in a position to dictate when she goes out, what friends she goes out with and who she talks with on the phone. Abusers often move their families hundreds of miles away from their home or into a rural area, making it difficult for them to sustain contact.
Control
Abusers use any means possible to exert control over their victims. He starts by being slightly bossy and demanding until eventually he controls every aspect of the wife's life---including how she wears her hair, how she dresses and what she eats.
The husband may control the money, preventing her access to any of it. He may or may not dole out a small allowance for household expenses. He may take the male and female roles to an extreme, treating the wife as a servant and himself as the king of the house and the one to make all of the decisions. If children are involved, they often become a source of control as the abuser uses them to relay messages to the wife or threatens to take them away from her if she leaves him.
Humiliation
Harvard University's Office of Sexual Assault Prevention and Response states that many relationships that ultimately become physically violent begin with cruel comments and intentional put-downs. Abusing husbands use these mechanisms to humiliate and dominate their wives. It begins with small jokes made at the wife's expense and often escalates into name calling, putting the wife down and making her feel guilty about the things that she does. In extreme cases, the abuser may go out of his way to play mind games with the wife until she begins to believe the things that he says. The ultimate goal here is to make her think that she is crazy so that she relies more and more on the husband.
Coercion, Threats, Intimidation
As the abusive husband gains control or thinks he is losing control, he normally reverts to using threats and intimidation to keep his wife in check. The threats may be physical in nature and perhaps involve physical violence, hurting himself or committing suicide. These threats may escalate if the wife files legal charges against him, begins divorce proceedings or leaves him. Abusers generally use intimidation to play on the wife's fears. The intimidation may be small gestures, looks or actions, destruction of property or a display of weapons.
References
- Harvard University: Relationship Violence (pdf)
- Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness: What is Relationship Abuse
- Stanford University: Domestic Violence Abuse Cycle
- Recovery-man.com: Personality Traits in Abusive Relationships
- U.S. Department of Justice: Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence
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