Communicating With Your Partner About Cancer

Where can I find out more about communicating with my partner?
For more information about communicating with your partner, including suggestions for taking action and a list of resources, visit the Lance Armstrong Foundation.

Why is knowing about communicating with your partner important to people affected by cancer?
Partners are usually the primary source of support for individuals facing cancer. Relationships having poor communication may mean low levels of support for both the survivor and the partner.

What do I need to know about communicating with your partner?
While cancer can negatively affect the emotional well-being of survivors, it also can negatively affect partners. Some partners actually experience more emotional distress than survivors. Just as survivors can experience emotions such as fear, anger and guilt, their partners can experience them too. Stress is also common for both survivors and their partners.

A decline in the survivor’s physical or emotional status may create a “cycle of distress” for the couple in which one person’s distress makes the other’s distress worse. High levels of emotional distress are likely to strain the couple’s relationship. Good communication may be the most effective strategy for breaking this cycle and may improve both members’ quality of life.

Some ways survivors and partners can both benefit from good communication include:
• Receive emotional support
• Offer emotional support
• Receive help with decision-making
• Receive advice and encouragement
• Learn alternative ways of viewing stressful or difficult situations
• Clarify misunderstandings
• Receive help communicating with the health care team and following their recommendations
• Learn new coping strategies
• Receive support for healthy behaviors (eating properly, smoking cessation, physical activity)
• Plan for the future (includes caring for children, having children after cancer, financial considerations)
• Discuss ways to solve problems with changing roles and responsibilities in the relationship
• Inform partner of survivor’s wishes in case the survivor is unable to communicate these wishes in the future
• Resolve problems regarding changes to sexual relations and expressions of intimacy
• Assist with adjusting to the cancer experience, which will promote emotional well-being
• Maintain the quality of the relationship
• Use the cancer experience to enrich and strengthen the relationship

Overall, partners can play a large role in survivors’ emotional response to the disease and life after treatment. Research shows that survivors who feel they have more support from their partners are more likely to focus on positive aspects of their cancer experience, which may improve their quality of life.

What steps should I take to address communicating with your partner?
Survivors may encounter situations in which it is difficult to communicate with their partners. During times of stress, effective and healthy communication is often a challenge for couples. This can be especially difficult if there were problems with communication before the cancer diagnosis.

If communication between you and your partner is not what you would like, you may need to work actively on communicating better with your partner, either together or with the help of a counselor. Signs that it is time to work on better communication include:
• You and your partner have frequent misunderstandings.
• You or your partner frequently withdraw or avoid talking.
• You or your partner frequently use criticism, sarcasm or name-calling.
• You find yourself frequently not sharing information with your partner.
• You and your partner frequently disagree over the same issues.
• You or your partner has sexual problems, and other expressions of love and affection (talking, touching and sharing) happen less often.
• You find yourself frequently confiding in others instead of your partner.
• You feel unable to ask your partner for help or support.
• You find that the support you receive from your partner is unhelpful.
• You feel hurt emotionally by your partner.
If ever you or your partner responds with physical aggression, seek immediate professional assistance.