Eliminating Caretaker Behavior

Content
What are caretaker behaviors?
What are the negative effects of being a caretaker?
How is being a caretaker a control issue?
What irrational thinking leads you to become a caretaker?
What you can do to cease the need to be a caretaker?
Steps to Eliminate Caretaker Behaviors

What are caretaker behaviors?
Caretaker behaviors are those behaviors that keep people in a dependency relationship with you. They require that everyone you care for must conform to your set of rules and norms about how they are to conduct their lives. On the surface, they look good and proper but in reality are a subtle way of manipulating others to keep them under your control. They're a behavior that you exercise on others to prevent unwanted behaviors or disasters or to clean up and provide damage control after a problem has erupted. They make you valuable to others who need your assistance, rescuing and help and therefore anoint you to be in a powerful position to control, dictate or direct their future actions.
Caretaker behaviors make you the person upon whom people rely to be the stable rock, foundation, or support in the system when they get into trouble. They exhibit the axiom that money, material goods and status are more important in human relationships than are emotional support, self-discipline and feelings-oriented relationships. They keep people from honestly assessing what is happening in their lives for fear that if they become honest they could no longer turn to the caretaker to bail them out when they get into trouble.
These behaviors are often enabling behaviors that exacerbate the troubled behaviors that are being cared for. They are often hidden behind the mask of a gift or a token of love but in reality have major strings attached by which the recipient is held to be beholden or grateful for the gift and thus held in line with what the caretaker wants to happen if further gifts are to be given. Caretaker behaviors bail others out from major problems with the result that they lose their sense of independence and personal autonomy and give you the role of a "Godfather'' who is all giving and yet seeks retribution if you are ever crossed or disappointed.

What are the negative effects of being a caretaker?
If you continue to be a caretaker in your relationships, then you could become frustrated over the amount of energy, resources, time, effort, support and sacrifices you need to put out to help those people who look to you for help. You can be disappointed that those to whom you are a caretaker seem to increase in their helplessness over time rather than grow in self-sufficiency. You may punish those you take care of if they become successful and gain independence from their need for help.
You may take on the role of martyr bemoaning how awful it is to have so many people's lives you are responsible for and yet do nothing to change the situation to encourage the people to leave the nest and fly on their own. You might also encourage a number of people, places or things to become overly dependent on you, thus increasing your stress and anxiety with such responsibility solely on you.
You might find that you get stuck in denial that your caretaking actually enables others to become dependent rather than independent. You might enjoy the power and control of being the godfather and begin to resort to intimidation, threats and coercion to keep those dependent on you in line. It may cause frustration that you are working harder and harder to make things right and yet don't seem to be succeeding since there are always new problems needing your attention and support.
You may see yourself as a generous, benevolent and philanthropic individual while in reality you are a controller who weakens people's wills and spirits from becoming independent, self-sufficient and successful in their own right. It may lead to enabling and exacerbating the addictive, compulsive, and self-destructive behaviors of those you care for.
You might become outraged, angry and resent the freeloading of others on you and yet enjoy the sense of helping' others and not be able to let go of the freeloaders in your life. It may become a never-ending cycle, where you sense that no matter how much you do for others it is never good enough to correct the situation and feel compelled to give more and more, in the process accepting increased control and responsibility over these people's lives. You may believe that your advice and suggestions are the golden rule for those dependent on you and get find that you become angry, resentful and lose your temper with them when they ignore you.
Caretaking behavior may cause you to become socially isolated if people are drawn to you not for who you are, but rather for what you can do for them. You may experience a grave depression if you realize that no matter how much you give others you are constantly in a struggle to gain their unconditional love. Even worse you question if they would love you if you had nothing to give them but you the person. You may also experience a worsening of your low self-esteem when you recognize that your worth is based conditionally on what you do for others rather than on what you are as a person.

How is being a caretaker a control issue?
Being a caretaker is a control issue because it places the locus of control in your hands and out of the hands of those you are caring for. That is, you take control from other people to determine their own direction in life by accepting the full brunt of responsibility for their welfare. By believing that you are the source of all good things for others you give yourself the power to control their lives, fortunes, and destiny, if not in reality, at least in your mind.
You can often resort to use of threats, coercion or intimidation to retain your dominant role in their lives, if the people, places or things try to get control back. Those people, places or things whom you take care of can become overly dependent on your nurturance, care and support so much so that they lose the inherent capability to control their own lives. You can often persist in caring for others who are uncontrollable and unchangeable that you need to let go of or become detached from.
You open yourself up to be manipulated to care for others who hide behind the mask of helplessness to hook you to do what they want you to do for them. It can often be a mask behind which you hide to avoid having to deal with the problems or issues that are out of control in your life.
When you see another for whom you are being a caretaker struggle to get power back in their own lives by functioning independently from you, you can resort to power tactics to get them back into the dependent role with you. On the surface it looks so generous, giving and noble to be a caretaker when in reality you are a dependent person who needs needy people, places or things to give you identity and a reason for being. It robs others of the power of self-determination by encouraging overdependency, a sense of helplessness and the inability to care for themselves.
By use of gifts, favors, loans, inheritance and other caretaker tactics you manipulate others to give you the respect, honor, admiration, approval, affection and acceptance you need so badly.

What irrational thinking leads you to become a caretaker?
Some examples of irrational thinking might include the belief that you have value only if people need you, or that the people in your life can't survive without you. That you care for them because they love you and you just can't stand to them fail or get into trouble. You might believe that if they're unsuccessful, it's your fault or that people expect you to care for them and you can't let them down. Or, you may believe that you're the only stable person around to take control.
Other irrational thinking might include believing that it's easier to caretake than to clean up any mess afterward as well as the belief that you people will no longer care for you if you stop. Additionally, you might think that you've always got to look after them since they are so inadequate and could never succeed on their own. Or that you have more experience and are wiser than they are, so they need your resources, help and advice to get them through this problem.
You may believe that it's your responsibility to prevent other people from hurting and suffering pain.

What you can do to cease the need to be a caretaker?
Identify the people in your life for whom you currently feel the need to be a caretaker. Next, clarify what you do as a caretaker for this person or what you feel you need to do. Identify why you feel the need to do these things for this person.
Analyze if these reasons are rational, healthy and based on reality. Then develop healthier, more rational reasons not to be a caretaker for this person. Identify what your feelings are concerning this person and how you would feel if you no longer felt a need to do caretaker actions for this person. Acknowledge how rational, healthy and realistic these feelings are. Identify new, more healthy, realistic and rational feelings you can have after ceasing the need to be a caretaker for this person.
Identify new non-caretaker behaviors you can develop with this person and implement new, non-caretaker, rational, healthy and realistic behaviors with this person. Make sure to reward and reinforce yourself for ceasing your need to be a caretaker with the following positive self-talk. Use such statements as "I am a good person and do not need to do things for people for me to have worth or value" or "It is OK to let people be responsible for their own lives even if they fail, make a mistake, or do not succeed in the process." Other good self talk might include "By letting people take care of themselves, I am allowing them to grow self-confident, competent and self-sufficient" and "I am now living my life more fully for myself and feel more freedom from anxiety, stress, panic, and fear." Make sure to include the statement "I am not responsible for others' failures, mistakes, losses, or lack of success. I am responsible only for me."
Continue to monitor your need to be a caretaker for the people in your life. Recognize that when you return to caretaker behaviors you are returning to a need to control the lives of these people. If you find yourself falling back into the need to be a caretaker for the people in your life, return to the first step and begin again.

Steps to Eliminate Caretaker Behaviors
In your journal answer the following questions to determine if you are a caretaker in your behaviors with others. These questions focus primarily on your feelings regarding other people's behavior. For example, how do you feel when you realize that other people need you for what you do for them? How do you deal with a situation in which someone in your life is experiencing a problem, disaster, failure or loss? How would you feel if people no longer turned to you to fix problems for them? How do you feel when you realize that others have become dependent on you? How do you feel when you are told that you are dependent on the people who are dependent on you to need and to be cared for by you? How do you feel about altering your thinking, feelings and behaviors to cease your need to be a caretaker?
Other questions focus more on your behavior. For example, how well do you allow others to exercise personal responsibility over their own lives? How do you react to others' addictive or other self-destructive behaviors? How does ceasing the need to be a caretaker fit into your program of recovery from low self-esteem? How does being a caretaker reflect your low self-esteem? How have you reacted to people who were caretakers to you? How comfortable are you with being equally classified with the caretakers in your own life? How big a problem for you is being a caretaker? How willing are you to let go of this problem?
If after your assessment of your caretaker behaviors, you are committed to change these behaviors, then proceed to identify each person in your life for whom you are currently a caretaker or have a need to be a caretaker. For each person identified, answer the following questions about your relationship with this person: What do you do for this person and how does this affect this person? What reasons lead you to feel the need to exercise these caretaker behaviors with this person?
Also consider how rational are these reasons and how you feel about this person. How do you feel about the effects of your caretaking on this person? How would you feel if you no longer felt the need to be a caretaker for this person? What are the risks and benefits? What new feelings would be healthier and more rational for you? Consider new behavior and identify what new behaviors you need to exercise with this person to cease being a caretaker. What can you do to control your urge to be a caretaker for this person? What can you do to let go of the need to fix, rescue, control, manipulate and take care of this person? What alternatives do you have to being a caretaker to this person?
Once you have analyzed your caretaker behaviors for each person you take care of, then you need to implement more non-controlling, healthy, rational, non-caretaking behaviors with each of these people.
Keep monitoring your success in ceasing to be a caretaker and reinforce your effort in this regard. Note in your journal how people are reacting to your letting go of caretaking behaviors and your reaction to the guilt trips being pulled on you. How do you deal with these people's anger when you cease being a caretaker for them? How do you reward yourself for ceasing to be a caretaker to reinforce yourself against the powerful forces to pull you back into caretaking? How do you deal with your compulsive urge to fall back into being a caretaker for each of these people? How do you deal with the realities of failure, loss, mistakes and non-success that is experienced by those people to whom you have ceased to be a caretaker? Identify the rational, healthy and realistic self-talk you do to keep you from jumping back into being a caretaker again and what you need in your life to keep you from becoming a caretaker again.
As you continue to reward your efforts at ceasing to be a caretaker to others, keep working at turning your need to care back on yourself to ensure you put these behaviors to work for you. If you revert back into caretaker behaviors or the need to be a caretaker, begin again.