Stop Self-Destructive Anger Responses

Content
Self-Assessment Instrument on Self-Destructive Responses to Anger
What causes me to act self-destructively?
What are typical characteristics of a self-destructive response to anger?
What irrational thinking leads to my self-destructive anger responses?
What are the negative consequences of engaging in self-destructive anger responses?
What things I can do to rid myself of self-destructive responses to anger?
Steps to overcoming self-destructive responses to anger

A Self-Assessment Instrument on Self-Destructive Responses to Anger - Part 1

I engage in the following self-destructive responses, which increase in frequency based on my level of anger. I need to rate each response by circling the degree to which it is true for me.

* 1 = never true for me
* 2 = rarely true for me
* 3 = sometimes true for me
* 4 = often true for me
* 5 = almost always true for me

1 2 3 4 5 ( 1) overuse of alcohol

1 2 3 4 5 ( 2) overuse of nonprescription drugs

1 2 3 4 5 ( 3) overuse of prescription drugs

1 2 3 4 5 ( 4) shoplifting

1 2 3 4 5 ( 5) petty theft from my employer

1 2 3 4 5 ( 6) illegal acts of revenge on my enemies

1 2 3 4 5 ( 7) compulsive gambling

1 2 3 4 5 ( 8) compulsive overeating or binging

1 2 3 4 5 ( 9) binging and purging

1 2 3 4 5 ( 10) anorexia

1 2 3 4 5 ( 11) compulsive exercising

1 2 3 4 5 ( 12) compulsive shopping

1 2 3 4 5 ( 13) overuse of credit cards

1 2 3 4 5 ( 14) compulsive drive to acquire material goods

1 2 3 4 5 ( 15) putting myself down in public

1 2 3 4 5 ( 16) setting myself up for failure

1 2 3 4 5 ( 17) unwillingness to play the political survival game on the job

1 2 3 4 5 ( 18) ignoring authority directives

1 2 3 4 5 ( 19) direct disobedience of authority directives

1 2 3 4 5 ( 20) insubordination on the job

1 2 3 4 5 ( 21) arriving late to work or school

1 2 3 4 5 ( 22) excessive absenteeism

1 2 3 4 5 ( 23) playing hooky or skipping required work and/or functions

1 2 3 4 5 ( 24) ignoring personal hygiene

1 2 3 4 5 ( 25) dressing in such a way as to hide my beauty or sexuality

1 2 3 4 5 ( 26) jumping to negative assumptions about motives when people show an interest in me

1 2 3 4 5 ( 27) feeling like a loser even when I'm not

1 2 3 4 5 ( 28) ignoring the "yes'' messages in my life

1 2 3 4 5 ( 29) workaholic behavior

1 2 3 4 5 ( 30) compulsive need for recognition or approval

1 2 3 4 5 ( 31) need for perfection

1 2 3 4 5 ( 32) compulsive need to look good

1 2 3 4 5 ( 33) fear of taking a risk

1 2 3 4 5 ( 34) unwilling to take a stand

1 2 3 4 5 ( 35) keeping silent; not letting others know how I feel

1 2 3 4 5 ( 36) compulsive sexual acting out

1 2 3 4 5 ( 37) excessive masturbation

1 2 3 4 5 ( 38) participation in aberrant sexual practices

1 2 3 4 5 ( 39) self-pity parties

1 2 3 4 5 ( 40) constant focusing on how awful my life has turned out

1 2 3 4 5 ( 41) inability to find my "pony'' in anything, i.e., chronic pessimism

1 2 3 4 5 ( 42) arguments or fights with people

1 2 3 4 5 ( 43) complaining

1 2 3 4 5 ( 44) holding a grudge; the desire for revenge

1 2 3 4 5 ( 45) having a chip on my shoulder

1 2 3 4 5 ( 46) being overly sensitive to the remarks of others

1 2 3 4 5 ( 47) excessive cleanliness or tidiness

1 2 3 4 5 ( 48) chronic nagging

1 2 3 4 5 ( 49) exaggerated task-oriented behavior rather than people-oriented

1 2 3 4 5 ( 50) never giving people a chance to be my support

A Self-Assessment Instrument on Self-Destructive Responses to Anger - Part 2

I engage in the following self-destructive responses, which increase in frequency based on my level of anger. I need to rate each response by circling the degree to which it is true for me.

* 1 = never true for me
* 2 = rarely true for me
* 3 = sometimes true for me
* 4 = often true for me
* 5 = almost always true for me

1 2 3 4 5 ( 51) being a loner

1 2 3 4 5 ( 52) playing it safe when I am with people

1 2 3 4 5 ( 53) avoiding any chance of rejection

1 2 3 4 5 ( 54) rejecting others before they reject me

1 2 3 4 5 ( 55) excessive need for excitement

1 2 3 4 5 ( 56) "management by crisis'' approach to life

1 2 3 4 5 ( 57) setting up situations to ensure a constant state of crisis

1 2 3 4 5 ( 58) need for the adrenalin "rush'' I get when solving "big'' problems

1 2 3 4 5 ( 59) lack of time-management skills

1 2 3 4 5 ( 60) procrastination

1 2 3 4 5 ( 61) lack of preventive orientation

1 2 3 4 5 ( 62) holding onto denial of my problems

1 2 3 4 5 ( 63) unwillingness for change to occur

1 2 3 4 5 ( 64) lack of honesty about who I am and how I feel

1 2 3 4 5 ( 65) preferring to lie rather than the hard work of being honest

1 2 3 4 5 ( 66) unwillingness to trust anyone

1 2 3 4 5 ( 67) close-minded to new ideas

1 2 3 4 5 ( 68) obstinate holding on to "the way it was always done'' or "the way it was''

1 2 3 4 5 ( 69) daydreaming or escaping into fantasy

1 2 3 4 5 ( 70) diverting attention from the issues at hand that need to be dealt with

1 2 3 4 5 ( 71) wearing masks to hide my feelings

1 2 3 4 5 ( 72) ignoring what's good for me and what I need

1 2 3 4 5 ( 73) not applying myself on the job, at home or in my personal life

1 2 3 4 5 ( 74) giving others the power to intimidate me

1 2 3 4 5 ( 75) unwilling to defend my rights assertively

1 2 3 4 5 ( 76) excessive TV viewing

1 2 3 4 5 ( 77) excessive sleeping or napping

1 2 3 4 5 ( 78) excessive involvement in time-demanding activities, activities that help me avoid the realities of life

1 2 3 4 5 ( 79) being irresponsible with my life

1 2 3 4 5 ( 80) yoyo dieting (losing and quickly regaining weight)

1 2 3 4 5 ( 81) smoking (legal and/or illegal substances)

1 2 3 4 5 ( 82) eating unbalanced meals

1 2 3 4 5 ( 83) not caring for my health

1 2 3 4 5 ( 84) not wearing seat belts

1 2 3 4 5 ( 85) driving carelessly

1 2 3 4 5 ( 86) driving over the speed limit

1 2 3 4 5 ( 87) engaging in risky or dangerous activities

1 2 3 4 5 ( 88) having suicidal thoughts

1 2 3 4 5 ( 89) acting on suicidal impulses

1 2 3 4 5 ( 90) ignoring the warning signs or symptoms of an illness and not getting proper medical attention

1 2 3 4 5 ( 91) inflicting injury and pain on myself

1 2 3 4 5 ( 92) encouraging or allowing others to abuse me physically, emotionally, verbally or sexually

1 2 3 4 5 ( 93) not defending myself in the face of a violent attack

1 2 3 4 5 ( 94) lying about my skills or competence to get ahead

1 2 3 4 5 ( 95) ignoring my feelings in a relationship

1 2 3 4 5 ( 96) sacrificing myself for the sake of others

1 2 3 4 5 ( 97) allowing others to take advantage of me

1 2 3 4 5 ( 98) putting others first, myself last

1 2 3 4 5 ( 99) allowing myself to be the victim

1 2 3 4 5 (100) not working on my self-growth and self-esteem enhancement program for personal recovery and healing

What causes me to act self-destructively?

Reasons for my self-destructive behavior include two main areas: holding anger in and inappropriately expressing it.

When I hold my anger in instead of expressing it in a healthy way, I end up acting in self-destructive ways because I:

* experience depression
* become pessimistic
* feel resentment
* want to get revenge
* end up with a chip on my shoulder
* hold grudges
* wear masks to hide my feelings
* feel bitter and disappointed
* feel powerless to get what I need
* feel like giving up

When I act out my anger in rage or other impulsive ways, I end up acting in self-destructive ways because I feel:

* guilty for my rage
* remorse for hurting others
* embarrassed by my behavior
* disappointed in myself
* like a loser or a failure
* ignored and unwanted
* repentant, but not forgiven for my actions
* afraid to let my anger out again
* like I should be punished in some way
* that my life is not worth living

What are typical characteristics of a self-destructive response to anger?

When I have acted in a self-destructive way regarding anger, it is:

* almost always at a subconscious level; I'm unaware of the self-destructive nature of my behavior
* defeating my personal growth
* a means of sabotaging my growth
* often not clearly connected with the object(s) of my anger
* something I would usually deny as a response to my anger
* a behavior of mine about which I would rather lie than face honestly
* often at the root of my resistance to mature change and growth
* something I hold onto; I can't let go of it easily
* based on my irrational thinking and belief system
* often in direct opposition to the values I profess to uphold
* a paradox that is hard for me to explain
* a habit that has developed over time and is resistant to change
* a behavior I saw in my parents and other members of my family of origin
* often the behavior that ultimately led me to seek out professional help
* something that reduces my self-esteem

What irrational thinking leads to my self-destructive anger responses?

* I am a loser, a failure.
* No matter what I do, things will never change.
* This behavior has nothing to do with the way I handle anger.
* A little self-pity is just what the doctor ordered.
* Being a little self-indulgent is healthy. Anyway, it's just this one time.
* My life is already a wreck; how could this hurt.
* No one will ever like me, want me or love me for myself.
* Everyone is out to get me; I have to accept this fact.
* No matter what I do, it will never be "good'' enough.
* I can't deal with that problem; I'm too ashamed to face it.
* It's better to stuff my anger; it's cosmetic and clean.
* Don't bring up a problem from the past if it hurts too much to face it.
* I've gone this long without dealing with it, so let sleeping dogs lie.
* I'd rather stay to myself than be hurt again.
* I have to do it all on my own or it won't be fully corrected.
* Unless I can do it perfectly, I won't do it at all.
* I don't need people to help me with my problems.
* It's better not to be too analytical with my own behavior; why create "new'' problems for myself.
* What others call self-destructive, I refer to as "having fun.''
* Everyone needs a little excess in life; we're only human.
* Live life to the fullest and party hearty; life is too short not to enjoy it.
* The only way to have fun is to let it all hang out.
* No matter what I try, I can't stop those behaviors.
* This behavior is what makes me unique; why change?
* My behavior isn't "slow suicide,'' it's just variations on a lifestyle.
* How else are you supposed to "blow off'' steam?
* This behavior is painless, victimless and doesn't cost a cent.
* It's not like I murder people with my behavior.

What are the negative consequences of engaging in self-destructive anger responses?

When I resort to a self-destructive response to anger, I:

* get stuck in my efforts to change and grow.
* experience more pain and suffering.
* find that my growth is diminished or lost.
* find myself going backward rather than progressing in life.
* feel irresponsible, flippant and careless.
* get confused by the differences between my beliefs and my behavior.
* remain both mentally and physically ill.
* am prone to a greater risk for panic attacks or other stress-induced illnesses.
* find the direction of my life out of focus, with nothing in place.
* give power to people, places and things.
* resort to addictive or obsessive behavior.
* revert to the old scripts, the old ways of dealing with anger in my family of origin.
* find my anger does not dissipate.

What things I can do to rid myself of self-destructive responses to anger?

First: Identify each specific behavior, attitude or feeling that is self-destructive.

Second: Identify the anger at the root of each self-destructive response.

Third: Define the anger at the root of each self-destructive response by listing in my journal:

* the persons involved:
* the events involved:
* why it angers me:
* how it affects me both then and now:
* why this anger has so much power over me now:
* what resentment, revenge, hatred or rage is involved:
* how I originally handled this anger:
* why I haven't dealt completely with this anger yet:
* what irrational thinking causes me to act this way:
* what healthy responses to this anger could I substitute:

Fourth: Perform anger workouts on each issue until I am able to let go of the anger, forgive those involved and forget the events.

Fifth: Begin to extinguish each self-destructive behavior by:

* asking my spouse, significant other, close family member or close friend to help me stop this behavior
* asking for care and concern from the members of my support network
* joining a Twelve Step Program or some other peer-support self-help group addressed to the specific self-destructive issues with which you are dealing

Sixth: Develop a new set of behavior traits to replace the self-destructive responses to anger, including:

* the use of assertive "I feel'' statements with people as soon as I feel anger starting
* the use of health-oriented activities for anxiety, tension and stress release such as physical exercise or progressive muscle relaxation
* the use of an internal monitoring system to trigger an alarm when I slip into self-destructive behavior
* use of self-esteem enhancing behavior such as self-affirmation, positive visual imagery and self-hypnosis

Steps to overcoming self-destructive responses to anger

Step 1: I need to identify each self-destructive behavior I use as a response to anger. To do this I will rate each of the 100 behavior traits listed in "A Self-Assessment Instrument on Self-Destructive Responses to Anger" as to how they impact my life.

Step 2: For every behavior to which I've given a rating of 3 or higher, I will use the steps outlined in "Actions I can do to rid myself of self-destructive responses to anger?"

Step 3: Once I've completed "Actions I can do to rid myself of self-destructive responses to anger?" for each self-destructive behavior, I need to do a self-inventory to see if I've accomplished my goal.

Step 4: If after my self-inventory I find I'm still acting in self-destructive ways then I need to return to Step 1 and begin again.