Handling Forgiving and Forgetting
Content
What is forgiving and forgetting in a relationship?
Negative consequences of the absences of forgiving and forgetting
Signs of the absence of forgiving and forgetting
Steps to develop forgiving and forgetting in a relationship
What is forgiving and forgetting in a relationship?
1. Forgiving is allowing another person to be human for faults, mistakes or misdeeds. Forgetting is putting these behind you; they are no longer brought up and no longer remain a barrier to your relationship.
2. Forgiving is letting another know that there is no grudge, hard feelings or animosity for any wrongdoing. Forgetting is the lack of further discussion, with no ongoing negative references to the event.
3. Forgiving is letting the other person know that you accept as genuine the remorse and sorrow for actions or words that hurt or disappointed you. Forgetting is promising that this deed, whether of omission or commission, will not be brought up again.
4. Forgiving is accepting the sincerity of penance, sorrow and regret expressed over a grievous personal offense; making it sufficient to clear the air. Forgetting is your commitment to let go of anger, hurt and pain over this offense.
5. Forgiving is giving a sign that a person's explanation or acceptance of blame for a destructive, hurtful or painful act is fully accepted. Forgetting is the development of a plan of action between the two of you to heal the scars resulting from the behavior.
6. Forgiving is the highest form of human behavior that can be shown to another person. It means being vulnerable to being hurt or offended in the future, yet setting aside this in order to reopen and heal the channels of communication. Forgetting is is also a noble human behavior; it is letting go of the need to seek revenge for past offenses.
7. Forgiving is the act of love between you and a person who has hurt you; the bandage that holds the wound together long enough to heal. Forgetting is also an act of love; in rehabilitation therapy, helping the wounded return to a full and functional life.
8. Forgiving is the God-like gift of spiritually connecting with others, touching their hearts to calm the fear of rejection, quiet the sense of failure and lighten the burden of guilt. Forgetting is the God-like gift of spiritually touching others' hearts with the reassurance of a happy and full life with no fear of recrimination.
9. Forgiving is the act of letting go of temporary ill will, disappointment or the disgust that arises from the break in your relationship. Forgetting is bridging this gap in the relationship, eventually strengthening it against such a break in the future.
10. Forgiving is an act of compassion, humanity and gentleness by which you let another know that he is indeed a child of the universe upon whom a variety of graces and blessings have been showered and that current or past offenses need not be a barrier to goodness. Forgetting is the act of encouragement, support and reinforcement by which you assist the other person to rebuild, reconnect and re-establish a loving, caring, healthy relationship with you and the world.
Negative consequences of the absences of forgiving and forgetting
In the absence of forgiving and forgetting, the partners in a relationship run the risk of:
* Continuously being hurt with pain and suffering going unresolved.
* Unresolved guilt and remorse for offenses committed.
* Chronically seeking revenge and paybacks from one another.
* Being caught up in unresolved anger, animosity and bitterness.
* Defensive, self-protective and distant behavior.
* Blaming, negative and non-growth oriented behavior.
* Being stuck in a battlefield stockpiled for future offensive attacks.
* Being lost in a festering wound that never realizes the revitalization of healing.
* Secretive and non-communicative behavior.
* Fear over making a mistake or of having the mistake revealed.
* Being overwhelmed by fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of non-approval, low self-esteem, fear of conflict.
* High stress.
Signs of the absence of forgiving and forgetting.
Lack of forgiving and forgetting in a relationship can result in:
* Irreconcilable differences between people.
* Indifference toward one another.
* An emotional vacuum in which little or no emotions are shown or shared.
* Chronic attacks or angry outbursts.
* Addressing or interacting with one another disrespectfully.
* One-upmanship: competition as to who can out do whom in terms of eliciting sympathy, compassion or understanding from outsiders.
* Seeking revenge from one another.
* Pitting the parties in the relationship against one another through coalitions and taking sides.
* Chronic recalling and reminding of past hurts and offenses.
* Suspicions about the others' motives, behavior, attitudes or beliefs.
* Chronic depression.
* Chronic hostility.
* Name calling, belittling and demeaning one another.
* Responding to present behavior as if they were past behavior.
* Unwillingness to change and/or unwillingness to seek the help necessary to change.
Beliefs shared by people who refuse to forgive or forget
* I was hurt so much; how could you ever expect me to forgive and forget that?
* I never deserved the treatment I received, and I do not believe that forgiving and forgetting is deserved in this situation.
* I am sick because of that treatment; how can I ever forgive or forget that?
* There are people who are inherently evil, and they are despicable. No forgiving or forgetting will ever change that.
* People are vicious and cruel, and you always need to protect yourself because of that; so why try to forgive and forget what they have done?
* It is a sign of weakness to forgive and forget.
* It is just "giving in" to the others' power and control to forgive and forget.
* There are some things you can never forgive and forget.
* I never forgive; I just get even.
* Revenge is the best way to heal wounds.
* Don't cross me and I won't cross you; but if you do cross me, watch out!
* Only God can forgive and forget, though at times I don't believe He does either.
* I have done nothing for which I need to be forgiven.
* It is easy to say "I'm sorry." You can never trust anyone who says "I'm sorry."
* You are just seeking my forgiveness so that you can come back and hurt me again.
* You do not deserve any kindness, compassion or forgiveness for what you have done to me; I'll see to it that you are never able to forget it!
* All people who do wrong deserve the worst life has to dish out.
* I resent everyone who has hurt me, and I believe that this makes me a stronger person so that I will not be hurt again.
* Anyone who could treat another person that way is undeserving of being forgiven, loved or cared for.
In order to forgive and forget, you need to practice:
* Letting go of past hurt and pain.
* Trusting in the goodness of mankind.
* Letting go of fears for the future.
* Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to growth.
* Taking a risk.
* Letting go of hostility and resentment.
* Working out your anger.
* Reducing competition.
* Overlooking slight relapses or steps backward.
* Developing a personal spirituality.
* Developing an openness to the belief that people can change.
* Developing trust in others.
* Facing conflict head-on, resolving it on the spot.
* Open, honest and assertive communication with others concerning hurts, pains and offenses experienced.
* Seeking professional help when necessary to resolve the distance and coldness in a relationship.
* Recognizing your part or role in setting up hurtful experiences.
* Identifying and replacing the irrational beliefs that block your ability to forgive and forget.
Steps to develop forgiving and forgetting in a relationship.
Step 1: In order to increase your ability to forgive and forget, you need to recognize what this behavior involves. Answer the following questions in your journal:
a. What do you mean by "forgiving and forgetting in a relationship?"
b. Have you ever been forgiven in a relationship? How did it feel?
c. Has anyone ever brought up something from the past to remind you how you hurt a person? How did that make you feel?
d. What role do you feel forgiving and forgetting has in your relationships? How could you improve?
e. How has the absence of forgiving and forgetting affected your current relationships?
f. What are the signs of the absence of forgiving and forgetting in your relationship with your family of origin, current family, significant others, spouse, children, parents, relatives, friends and co-workers?
g. What beliefs block your ability to forgive and forget? What would be necessary to change these beliefs?
h. What new behavior do you need to develop in order to increase your ability to forgive and forget?
i. What role does the existence of spirituality play in your ability to forgive and forget? The lack of it?
j. Who do you need to forgive? What do you need to forget?
Step 2: Now that you have a better picture of what is involved in forgiving and forgetting, you are ready to extinguish blaming behavior.
Letting Go of Blaming
It is easy to point the finger of blame at others for the pain you have suffered. This activity is intended to get you to point the finger of responsibility at yourself, to be better able to forgive and forget when you feel hurt by another's behavior. Answer the following questions in your journal:
(1) List an incident for which you are unable to forgive a person(s) and therefore are unable to forget.
(2) How much energy, creativity, problem solving capability and focus on growth is sapped from you whenever you recall this hurt?
(3) What feelings come to your mind and body as you recall this hurt?
(4) How would you describe your role in this event? In what ways were you the victim, perpetrator, enabler, martyr, bystander, instigator, target, scapegoat, distracter, peacemaker, people pleaser or rescuer?
(5) Why do you feel strongly over what happened and how you were treated?
(6) What did this event or happening do to your self-esteem?
(7) How dependent on others were you (or are you) to help you feel good about yourself? How positively self-affirming were or are you? Why do you need this person's affirmation to make you feel good about yourself? What beliefs about yourself were threatened by what happened to you? Reinforced?
(8) How willing are you to declare yourself independent of the need for others to reinforce you and make you feel good about yourself? What blocks you from declaring this independence? What fears do you have of letting go of the need for others to make you feel good about yourself? How does this relate to your inability to forgive or forget in the incident listed in Step 2(1)?
(9) What value is there in blaming the person(s) listed in Step 2(1) for the hurt and pain experienced? How responsible are you for the feelings of hurt and pain? How do these feelings relate to your dependence on others to make you feel good about yourself? How do you control your feelings of pain and hurt? What would change in your feelings about this past incident if you accepted the responsibility for your own feelings and perceptions? How do your irrational beliefs interfere in your ability to resist blaming others for pain and hurt you experience?
(10) Look back at the past incident and the person(s) involved; reframe your thinking and feelings about it:
* Who was responsible for my reaction to the incident?
* Who was responsible for my feelings about the incident?
* Who was responsible for my inability to forgive the person(s) involved?
* Who is responsible for my inability to forget this incident?
* How can I forgive the person(s) involved?
* How can I put this incident behind me?
* How can I forgive myself for being dependent on others for feelings of being worthwhile and good?
* How can I avoid being so hurt when something like this happens again?
* What do I gain by blaming others for my feelings?
* What can I do when I feel hurt and pain? Where does the finger of responsibility need to be pointed?
Step 3: Once you have learned how to let go of blaming in that one incident, repeat Step 2 addressing all the past or present incidents of hurt in which you need to forgive the people and forget the incidents (see Step 1j).
When you have exhausted your list of people you need to forgive and events you need to forget, you will be on the road to forgiving and forgetting in relationships. If you have problems in the future, return to Step 1 and begin again.
Member Comments
by hankeyr on January 17, 2009 at 6:26 AM
This is a brilliant article. Forgetting is as important as forgiving and much harder to achieve. It is easy to say we must forgive and forget, but much harder, sometimes, to know what the signs are that we or someone else hasn't forgiven. The hardest though, is to know how to forgive. Your article covers it all and is much appreciated....Rob
by angrygirl3 on March 19, 2009 at 6:30 AM
I just learned of my husband's affair Sunday night. (3 days ago) The hurt and pain is indescribable. we have been married for 24 years. I know forgiveness is the answer. He is truly sorry, and I do beleive him. I am not sure how I can ever forget. I cannot sleep because When I close my eyes, I see it all. (there were picures of the two of them , that I saw) I need help ...Laura
by duncantexas on March 22, 2009 at 3:33 PM
But what if the person who caused the offense has not apologized (in any form) or taken responsibility for what they have done? If I have spent most of my life "forgiving and forgetting", and as a result have become a doormat for the other in the relationship, how does it benefit the relationship to follow the same habit? Doesn't that teach the other they can do "as they please" and hurt you all over again, as they know you will forgive and forget? I have people in my family who are in constant denial of the effects of their hurtful ways (mainly, manipulation and control to keep themselves the center of attention) and when confronted with the behaviors avoid discussing it, change the subject, then point the finger at me telling me "you have a problem".
by ASiliquey on May 10, 2009 at 7:54 AM
I would like to address the issue of "what about the other person and does it let them off the hook". I learned from reading and doing the steps in this article that it's not our problem what the other person thinks or feels. All we have to do is forgive in order to be free. One of the questions this article asked that really touched home was, "how has unforgiveness caused ME negative feelings and hurt and what energy does it use up?" I was surprised that my answer was, "it hurts ME." I just opened my eyes and learned like a new born child, that I am not responsible for the way others feel or act. I only have to forgive and let go. I am working on gaining peace and calm in my life now. I finally really want to forgive and get rid of the anger and pent up hurt. I know the only way to do that is to forgive.
by Antwan522 on March 31, 2009 at 8:05 AM
My wife continues to upset me with affairs and things of that nature. I have been patient with her but now all the symptoms and signes of outburst of verbal abuse and bad thoughts always comes out of my end. She says that i never forgive nor forget, but she had never admits to cheating. But it is always my fault when i bring anything up. Her only line is you never forgive and forget but as soon as i don't think about it, i find other evidence of somebody or something else. i know that I am going to leave her, but I feel like a failure in it all. I just don't know how to forgive this person. but i will read and read your article so i can understand it more.... Thanks Jerome
by mellbell on April 10, 2009 at 7:43 PM
To angrygirl3 i know you can say that you forgive but both forgiving and forgetting go hand in hand it is easier to say you forgive but you cant fully forgive until you can forget... and i dont think that forgetting means to not remember cause that is immpossible you always remember those kinda of things...what it means is to not bring it up in a way that hurts you anymore when it is brought up to view it as something that happened in the past and was a growing and learning event not something that shows hurt and hate but as something that show strenght and good things that it did bring out of the pain... they are a healing process and take time it will get easier as time goes on...forgiving him means accepting the things that he has done wrong and understanding that you cant throw them in his face and let them cont to be hurt and hate... forgive him now for what you can find it in your heart to cont to love and full forgiveness and forgetting will come to you in time...
by angrygirl3 on April 15, 2009 at 5:27 PM
Mellbell, Thank you for taking the time to listen and write to me. I do believe I am on the right path of forgiveness and that eventually the forgetting will slowly dissolveq as well.
What you've said makes lots of sense, about viewing what happened as a mistake and it is a learning process. I believe , with my husbands constant support, we can make it past this horror show, and continue to grow in our relationship as we never did before. We've always loved each other, but had become somewhat dissconnected, and did not communicate with one another as we used to. I feel a powerful love from himnow, and I see it in his smile and in his eyes) that I havent felt in a very long time. Even though we never stopped loving each other, he was just satisfying his strong sexual urges. He says, (and I truly believe him now) that he Never felt anything but similar sexual urges with this whore-slut he met on an adult web site. Actually got her name from a friend of his, (also a married man)
Any way, thanks for listening, I find it really helps to open up and discuss with other in similar pain.
by angrygirl3 on April 15, 2009 at 5:27 PM
Mellbell, Thank you for taking the time to listen and write to me. I do believe I am on the right path of forgiveness and that eventually the forgetting will slowly dissolveq as well.
What you've said makes lots of sense, about viewing what happened as a mistake and it is a learning process. I believe , with my husbands constant support, we can make it past this horror show, and continue to grow in our relationship as we never did before. We've always loved each other, but had become somewhat dissconnected, and did not communicate with one another as we used to. I feel a powerful love from himnow, and I see it in his smile and in his eyes) that I havent felt in a very long time. Even though we never stopped loving each other, he was just satisfying his strong sexual urges. He says, (and I truly believe him now) that he Never felt anything but similar sexual urges with this whore-slut he met on an adult web site. Actually got her name from a friend of his, (also a married man)
Any way, thanks for listening, I find it really helps to open up and discuss with other in similar pain.
by lostinhim on April 16, 2009 at 9:12 PM
Hi, am into a relation for 1.5yrs now. i love this guy to madness, he sure does love me too.But only after getting into this relation I got to know from that he have had end number of affairs..in other words he was a flirt. Till few months bac i have had bitter experiences like his female frds saying that cheating on me, flirting around with them etc...also found him flirting with girls on chat.. Today he shows me so much of love and care that i never dreamt i would get from him. He trusts me a lot, treats me like a baby. he also swears that he has stopped his all bad habits..... Though I haven had such bitter experiences off late, few of his close frds say that he is serious abt me, they are suprised by the huge change in him....I find it difficult to trust him. I check his social networks, phone, ask him where is he etc I feel very insecured if he goes out. In other words am not able to give the space, at times he complains that I dont let himm do wat he likes, give space... I love him alot, he too loves me..But why am so insecured, am not able to trust him, I feel uncomfortable if he makes frds with girls, Am not able to forget the past let alone forgive... Can a play boy really change and love a girl truly?
Please help.I want a happy relation with him. He says he is happy with me. But with all my negative behaviour towards him, I fear he ll leave me someday....
by ASiliquey on May 10, 2009 at 7:44 AM
Thank you for this article. I was abused sexually, physically and emotionally and have had issues with forgiveness all my adult life. I prayed and asked God to help rid me of the temper, anger and unforgiveness that was ruining my relationships. I found your article and started working the steps and using a journal to answer the questions. I beleive this is the answer. Thank you!
by hurtinginside on October 29, 2009 at 10:25 AM
Thanks for posting thi ASiliqey, I need to move on and dont know how, I will use these steps and begin to journal
by ASiliquey on May 10, 2009 at 7:44 AM
Thank you for this article. I was abused sexually, physically and emotionally and have had issues with forgiveness all my adult life. I prayed and asked God to help rid me of the temper, anger and unforgiveness that was ruining my relationships. I found your article and started working the steps and using a journal to answer the questions. I beleive this is the answer. Thank you!
by ElginEdmonds on May 26, 2009 at 8:21 PM
Help! My wife left me 2.5 years ago and it took me 18 months to reach out to her. I was bitter, hurt & disappointed and couldn't believe I was in such a position again. Every time I spoke to my wife I got the feeling that she would never return and she wouldn't entertain the conversation of being reunited. Just recently after talking for hours, she finally agreed to take it a day at a time which is real progress. If anyone pass along any good advice to help get the love of my life back, I sure would appreciate it. Elgin
by dash007 on July 13, 2009 at 3:58 PM
I caught my fiance cheating on me recently and was completely devastated. We tried counseling mainly for my own benefit because I was in so much pain. We appeared to be making some progress but something just didn\'t seem right to me. She left her email up one night andI went through it the next morning only to discover, to my horror, that she had had an a previous affair with a person that I knew. I cannot even begin to describe the pain that I felt. Its been a few months now and with the help of my couselor, friends and family that love me and GOD I am finally able to see the light of day. The hardest thing for me is to forgive the both of them.. I have made the CHOICE to forgive them because I know I have to, but I really have struggled with the process. Please help.....this has beeen very difficult for me.
by Mel0819 on November 19, 2009 at 9:22 PM
I too have struggled with the forgetting part. My husband reveled his affair to me and I was able to forgive. The forget part keeps resurfacing. Does this mean I have not yet forgiven his acts? I have felt it will take time to forget as I have stuggled yet with the thoughts of revenge and the consequences of that. Does forgive and forget go hand in hand?? If I forgive him do I also forgive her? That I can not do.