Self-Forgiveness
Content
What is self-forgiveness?
Signs of the absence of self-forgiveness
New behaviors needed to create self-forgiveness
Steps to develop self-forgiveness
What is self-forgiveness?
Self-forgiving is:
* Accepting yourself as a human who has faults and makes mistakes.
* Letting go of self-anger for your past failures, errors and mistakes.
* No longer needing penance, sorrow and regret over a grievous, self-inflicted, personal offense.
* The act of self-love after you have admitted your failure, mistake or misdeed.
* The spiritual self healing of your heart by calming self-rejection, quieting the sense of failure and lightening the burden of guilt.
* The act of letting go of the need to work so hard to make up for your past offenses.
Negative consequences of the absence of self-forgiveness
In the absence of self-forgiveness, you run the risk of:
* Unresolved hurt, pain and suffering from self-destructive behaviors.
* Unresolved guilt and remorse for self-inflicted offenses.
* Chronically seeking revenge and paybacks toward yourself.
* Being caught up in unresolved self-anger, self-hatred and self-blaming.
* Defensive and distant behavior with others.
* Pessimism, negativity and non-growth oriented behavior.
* Having a festering wound that never allows the revitalization of self-healing.
* Fear over making new mistakes or of having the old mistakes revealed.
* Being overwhelmed by fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of non-approval, low self-esteem and low self-worth.
Signs of the absence of self-forgiveness.
Lack of self-forgiveness can result in:
* A loss of love for yourself.
* Indifference toward yourself and your needs.
* An emotional vacuum in which little or no emotions are shown or shared.
* Chronic attacks or angry outbursts against self.
* Disrespectful treatment of self.
* Self-destructive behaviors.
* Self-pitying.
* Chronic recalling and reminding of past failures, mistakes, errors and offenses.
* Suspicions about others' motives, behaviors, attitudes and beliefs when they are accepting of you.
* Chronic depression.
* Chronic hostility, sarcasm and cynicism.
* Self name-calling, belittling and self-demeaning behaviors.
* Unwillingness to change and/or unwillingness to seek the help necessary to change.
* Resistance to doing what is necessary to heal within and recover from low self-esteem.
Irrational thinking preventing self-forgiveness
* I hurt myself so much; how can I ever expect to be forgiven for that?
* No one deserved the treatment I dished out, and I do not believe that forgiveness is deserved in this situation.
* I am sick over what I did; how can I ever forgive myself?
* I must be inherently evil, and I am despicable. No forgiveness will ever change that.
* I am vicious and cruel, and I always need to be on guard because of that; so why try to forgive what I have done?
* It is a sign of weakness or softness to forgive myself. I must always keep my guard up so as never to repeat my wrongdoings.
* There are some things I can never forgive myself for.
* Only God can forgive me, though at times I don't believe He can for what I have done.
* What has happened in my life is God's seeking revenge for all the evil I have done in the past.
* I have done too much for which I can never be forgiven.
* I am just seeking my forgiveness so that I can come back and hurt myself again.
* I do not deserve any self-kindness, self-compassion or self-forgiveness for what I have done to myself or others; I'll see to it that I am never able to forget it!
* All people who do wrong deserve the worst that life has to dish out.
* I resent myself for hurting myself or others. It is better for me to be hidden behind my wall so I don't hurt anybody again.
* If I could treat myself or others that way, then I am undeserving of being forgiven, loved or cared for.
New behaviors needed to create self-forgiveness.
In order to forgive yourself you need to practice:
* Letting go of past hurt and pain.
* Trusting in your goodness.
* Trusting in the goodness and mercy of your Higher Power to take over the burden for you.
* Letting go and letting your Higher Power lead you during a hurtful time.
* Believing in the infinite justice and wisdom of your Higher Power.
* Letting go of fears for the future.
* Allowing yourself to be vulnerable to growth.
* Taking a risk.
* Letting go of self-hostility, resentment and self-destructive behaviors.
* Working out your self-anger.
* Overlooking slight relapses or steps backward and getting back on the wagon of recovery immediately.
* Developing a personal spirituality.
* Developing an openness to the belief that you can change.
* Developing trust in yourself.
* Open, honest and assertive communication with yourself concerning hurts, pains and offenses experienced.
* Identifying and replacing the irrational beliefs that block your ability to forgive yourself.
Steps to develop self-forgiveness.
Step 1: In order to increase your ability to forgive yourself, you need to recognize what this behavior involves. Answer the following questions in your journal.
A. What do you mean by "self-forgiveness"?
B. Have you ever forgiven yourself before? How did it feel?
C. Have you ever brought up something from the past to remind you how you hurt yourself or others? How did that make you feel?
D. What role do you feel self-forgiveness has in your growing down? How could you improve?
E. How has the absence of forgiving yourself affected your current emotional stability?
F. What are the signs of the absence of self-forgiveness in your relationship with your family of origin, current family, significant others, spouse, children, parents, relatives, friends or co-workers? With whom do you experience a wall or barrier behind which you hide your past real or perceived failures, mistakes, errors or misdeeds? What feedback do you get about this wall you have been hiding behind?
G. What beliefs block your ability to forgive yourself? What would be necessary to change these beliefs?
H. What new behaviors do you need to develop in order to increase your ability to forgive yourself?
I. What role does the existence of spirituality play in your ability to forgive yourself? The lack of it?
J. For what do you need to forgive yourself?
Step 2: Now that you have a better picture of what is involved in self-forgiveness, you are ready to work on a specific past failure, mistake, error or misdeed.
A. List a failure, mistake, error, misdeed or event for which you are unable to forgive yourself.
B. How much energy, creativity, problem solving capability and focus on growth is sapped from you whenever you recall this past hurt?
C. What feelings come to mind as you recall this past hurt?
D. How would you describe your role in this past event? In what ways were you the victim, perpetrator, enabler, martyr, bystander, instigator, target, scapegoat, distracter, peacemaker, people pleaser or rescuer?
E. Why do you feel strongly over what happened and how you treated yourself or others?
F. What did this event do to your self-esteem and self-worth?
G. Who was responsible for your reaction to the incident?
H. Who was responsible for your feelings about the incident?
I. Who was responsible for your inability to forgive yourself?
J. How can you forgive yourself?
K. How can you put this incident behind you?
L. How can you avoid being so hurt when something like this happens again?
Step 3: Once you have thought out how to forgive yourself for this past mistake, failure, error or event, use this self-forgiveness mirror work script. For the next thirty days let go of your self-anger, self-blaming, self-hatred, self-disgust and self-pity over this specific past event by spending time in front of a mirror using this script.
Self-Forgiveness Mirror Script
* I forgive you for (the past event).
* You are a human being subject to making mistakes and errors.
* You do not need to be perfect in order for me to love you.
* This (past event) is just an example of the challenges which you have been given on earth by your Higher Power.
* You will meet the challenge and grow by handing the pain and hurt from this problem (past event) over to your Higher Power to take it off your shoulders.
* You don't need to be so burdened by the pain and hurt you feel because of this (past event).
* You are a good person. I love you.
* You deserve my understanding, compassion and forgiveness.
* You deserve to come out from behind the wall you have built around yourself as a result of this (past event).
* Hand the wall over to your Higher Power so you can become more visible to me and others.
* I love seeing you, talking to you and listening to you.
* You have within you all you need to grow in self-esteem, self-confidence, self-respect and self-deservedness.
* There is nothing you have ever done that can't be forgiven by me.
* You did the best you could knowing what you did at the time.
* You have compulsive and impulsive habitual ways of acting which you are working to change.
* You may have slip ups again but as long as you get back on the wagon of recovery and keep on trying that's good enough for me.
* You no longer need to condemn yourself for this (past event).
* You are forgiven. I love you and I am so happy to have you in my life.
* You and I are best friends and together we will gain strength by giving all our past hurt, pain, guilt, self-anger and self-hatred over to our Higher Power.
* I feel lighter as we talk because I feel the burden of the hurt, pain and guilt over this (past event) lifting from my shoulders.
* I see you holding your head up and standing taller as I forgive you for this (past event).
* I know that your Higher Power has forgiven you and I feel the peace and serenity of letting go of the need to hold on to it (past event) anymore.
* I forgive you because you deserve to be forgiven. No one needs to hold onto such a burden for so long.
* You deserve a better life than you have been giving yourself.
* Let go of this (past event) and know that you are forgiven.
* You are a loveable, capable, special person and I promise to continue to work on letting go of hurt and pain from the past which has been preventing your inner healing and self-growth.
Step 4: Once you have forgiven yourself fully over the past incident, repeat Step 3, addressing one at a time all the past or present incidents of hurting yourself or others for which you need to forgive yourself.
Step 5: When you have exhausted your list of incidents for which you need self-forgiveness, you will be on the road to self-recovery. If you have problems in the future, return to Step 1 and begin again.
Member Comments
by AldinHrvat on January 13, 2009 at 5:44 AM
An example on Self-Forgiveness: (read it out loud)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry the burden of the past with me on my shoulder in this living constantly in the past withing and as emotional turmoil, pain and regret.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of my past unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that the past is not here it is what I have done and cannot be changed anymore but what can be changed is Who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and beliefe that I cannot forgive myself for what I have done in the past in any way whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that living in regret of the past as what I have done will not change the past but that I am just unnecessarily destroying myself within existing in regret instead of letting go of regret and changing myself to never ever do the same mistake/mistakes that I have done again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and beliefe and fear that others will not forgive me for what I have done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realise that if I am not willing to forgive myself then how can I expect others to ever forgive me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for what I have done.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to love and accept myself unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at asnd with myself.
I forgiove myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at and with others.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that being angry at someone or something will not change anything but leads only to Self-Destruction.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of anger.
by AldinHrvat on January 13, 2009 at 5:47 AM
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to forgive others.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be willing to forgive others because they have done this and that to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate others and hold onto this hate for/of others within me because of what they have done unto me.
I forgve myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and beliefe that I will and that I am not willing and able to forgive them for what the have done onto me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allwoed myself to realite that I am not willing to forgive them for what they have one because I have ideas and perceptions of them and have taken what they have done onto me personally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when my friends in school or at work judge me and play jokes of/about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hurt when others play jokes at/about me and judge me in a certain way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mold and shape myself in a way so that I am being accepted by others, by my friends etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my frriends will reject me and not accept me if I an not behaving a certain way.
by AldinHrvat on January 13, 2009 at 5:47 AM
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have the courage to be myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let fear controll me and influence myself.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted andf allowed myself to realise that fear is only here because I accept in within me and I see it as being more than me and in this having contrloll and power of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the idea of fear being more than me and havong power of and over me.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that fear has only the power and controll over and of me that I accept and allow it to have.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that fear is not more or greater than me and has no power over and of me but the power that I accept and allow it to have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and to feel nervous.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breath calmly and slowly instead of always rushing.
by AldinHrvat on January 13, 2009 at 5:47 AM
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear death.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my whole life in fear od death - in fear of dying instad of enjoying myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my God.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going to hell and burning in hell for eternity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of how I look.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate how I look.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and see and define myself as being ugly just because others do so.
by AldinHrvat on January 13, 2009 at 5:48 AM
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when others say that I am ugly.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that it has to do with their own shit like fear of looking a certain way and so on - and that it has nothing to do with me in anyway whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and beliefe that I can not do this or that,
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I can do this or that just because I have never done it or just because I have failed in the past.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and belife that making a mistake is something bad and horrible.
by AldinHrvat on January 13, 2009 at 5:48 AM
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and define making a mistakes as being something bad an horrible.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that making a mistake is nothing bad an horrible.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realise that I will continue doing and making mistakes till I get it.
I forgive myself mthat I have accepted and allowed myself to think and belife that I am less then him/her.
I fiorgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and judge and define me as being less than him or her because of this and that.
...
by msherer2001 on January 16, 2009 at 11:11 AM
Thank you for having this available for support. It has been very helpful and I will read with my heart.
by apisonline on January 30, 2009 at 3:27 AM
I feel a bit relief from the article above, i can forgive myself, but can people that i have wrongly do them in the past forgive me..? i never belive iam a bad person, evil inherited, but when i remember back from the past sins that ive made, i start to believe that i'am a person who did so many wrong doings and always get away from it. But this mistake i've made 5/6 years ago is reverse able. I'am so scared of the life after dead punishment and world punishment. I know and i believe that it wont happen, but my mind is denying everything. I cant stop making assumption that ill been punish one day. Tho it is 0.001 in a million that likely it wont happen. My mind is punishing myself. I know i've learn from my mistake and i always pray to GOD to forgive me and all my thinking now don't come to a reality. I can forgive myself but how about the people that i hurt or harm them? i don't want to loose my faith that i still have my future. Please anyone that i can talk with. apis@streamyx.com i really need help.
by AldinHrvat on February 10, 2009 at 7:35 AM
apisonline,
Do you really forgive yourself or do you think that you do? I mean, do you really take your time and give yourself a moment to sit down and look at your life and what you have dione and then ACTually PYSICLY start to FORGIVE yourself and not just in thought saying that I have forgive myself?
Go and SPEAK aor WRITE to yourself- Write, speak- I FORGIVE MYELF THAT I HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF TO FEAR PUNISHMENT AFTER DEATH- I FORGIVE MYSELF THAT I HAVE ALLOWED MYSELF TO HAVE DONE THIS AND THAT IN THE PAT and so on- REALLY forgiving yourself- ACTually as ACTIOn as SPEAKING or WRITING and not in thought or belife mthat you do and have forgive yourself fro ALL that you have done.
I mean, we want and hope for frogiveness from GOD but how can we expect Forgiveness from others if we do not really ACTually FORGIVE OURSELVES.
Don't worry about if others will forgive you- FORGIVE yourself- and after that you can go and ask for Forgiveness from others- and if they dont then they dont- I mean- is simply is that is is
by MoralAmbiguity on March 9, 2009 at 10:39 AM
I have done things which are damaging other people's lives: I have lied to people I love (to protect them from hurt and also to preserve my own reputation), I failed to control my emotions, I cheated on my spouse and I fell in love with someone I had no right to go near - though he did the same with me. Love turned us both into cheats and liars when we never were before.
Events are now spreading out away from me, beyond my control, like I am a stone causing ripples in a pond, and I can't see how I can make it right again.
I feel burdened with the horror, guilt and shame, terrified I will be found out and will find it difficult to forgive myself. I no longer even know what I want, what I should do, or who I really am.
My only comfort is that I have only wanted good things for everyone concerned, but my own weakness has affected a few innocent people in a potentially devastating way. Although they are more forgiving of me than I am, I do not believe I deserve forgiveness. But I cannot find peace without it. I will try these tips for a month, and I will never get myself into a situation that makes me have to chear or lie again - I wish I could undo them all now.
I have learned that love can have as great a capacity for destruction, as it does for healing.
I have to try to turn the ship around somehow. I don't think that owning up to my lies will do anyone good; they may relieve my burden, but will cause even more pain to others. Apart from the destructive feelings of love, I feel nothing but self disgust and regret. I thought I was a good person but now I am not so sure.
I will work on forgiving myself using these tips but it is a big ask. I hope it works!
by apex123 on April 16, 2009 at 6:18 AM
I hope this article will help me. I have a hard time forgiving myself for my indiscretion. I am have tried everything, prayer, meditation, medication I was doing good for a while but it seems like anytime I am under stress this painful situation comes to mind. Both my husband and I have done things to each other, I thought that we had gotten past it, like it had never happened, but lately I have felt all the feelings come back up again, the lack of trust, hurt and anger. I thought I forgave him, I thought I forgave myself. What happened? There is a lot of wonderful stuff going on in my life now and this stuff keeps creeping up on me. I am going back to therapy because I guess I wasn't past everything like I thought I was. HELP! This keeps me from reaching my full potential.
by shinnnn on April 18, 2009 at 2:07 AM
i have self hating, self disgust and self pity... for remembering all my mistakes on approaching to a girl . im 30, and she's my first girl, she broke me up because she said i need to learn more about realationship for my unexperienced manner treating her wrong. i feel ashamed, disgust and blaming all to myself ... .. . i feel like i want to die ... because it is so hard to forgive myself.. . . right now in in this process of healing .. . . . if theres anyone out there who have same experience please share it here... .. .
by shinnnn on April 18, 2009 at 2:07 AM
i have self hating, self disgust and self pity... for remembering all my mistakes on approaching to a girl . im 30, and she's my first girl, she broke me up because she said i need to learn more about realationship for my unexperienced manner treating her wrong. i feel ashamed, disgust and blaming all to myself ... .. . i feel like i want to die ... because it is so hard to forgive myself.. . . right now in in this process of healing .. . . . if theres anyone out there who have same experience please share it here... .. .