Re-Parenting

Content
What is re-parenting?
Reasons why you need to re-parent yourself
Signs in adulthood that you need to re-parent yourself
Steps to implement a re-parenting program in your life

What is re-parenting?
Re-parenting is:

• Being a parent to yourself.
• Giving yourself the nurturing, affection and recognition you need to heal your inner child.
• Giving yourself the guidance, direction and self-discipline needed to gain self-control and to accept personal responsibility for your own life.
• Letting go of self-pity over your being neglected or abused as a child and taking charge of your life.
• Creating a bond between the adult you and inner child you to give you a sense of security, self-confidence and self worth.
• Accepting yourself the way you are in an unconditional way with no regrets or self hatred over what you "should'' have been.

Reasons why you need to re-parent yourself
If you have experienced any of the following in your lifetime, you are an excellent candidate to re-parent yourself so that you can experience "growing down'' to healthy self-worth, self-confidence, and self-esteem.

• Neglected by your parents.
• Criticized by critical parents or teachers.
• Physically, sexually, emotionally or verbally abused by your parents, siblings or relatives.
• Raised in a dysfunctional family where alcohol or drugs were abused or parent(s) were mentally ill.
• Lacking male nurturance from your father who was emotionally unavailable to you and are therefore male nurturance deprived.
• Lacking female nurturance from your mother who was emotionally unavailable to you and are therefore female nurturance deprived.

Signs in adulthood that you need to re-parent yourself
The following is a symptoms checklist. Put a check next to the items that are mostly true for you at this time in your life.

___ 1. Lacking in self-confidence in interpersonal relationships at home, work, socially and in the community.

___ 2. Inability to believe you deserve good things in life.

___ 3. Feelings of shame about your past.

___ 4. Feelings of guilt about your past.

___ 5. Inability to have self forgiveness for all of your real or perceived faults, mistakes, or failures in the past.

___ 6. Inability to affirm or say nice things to or about yourself.

___ 7. Dependence on others to approve you.

___ 8. Fear of rejection from others.

___ 9. Desire to be invisible so that others don't know what you are thinking, how you feel or what you are doing.

___ 10. Need to please others.

___ 11. Need to avoid conflict at all costs.

___ 12. Waiting for or wanting someone to nurture and care for you to make up for the absence of nurturance in your past life.

___ 13. Unwillingness to accept that the solutions to your problems are your responsibility.

___ 14. Not capable of exercising self-control over all aspects of your life.

___ 15. Excessive use of manipulation to get others to do what you want them to do for you.

___ 16. Excessive hostility, bitterness, sarcasm and cynicism about life and how it has treated you.

___ 17. Extreme pessimism about your ability to do what it takes to recover from low self-esteem.

___ 18. Pent-up anger, rage and hatred against the people in your past life who have abused or neglected you.

___ 19. Lack of clear direction and clarity of goals in your life.

___ 20. Not sure of who you really are.

If you have checked two or more, you are in need of re-parenting work.

Different types of re-parenting activities include:

• Inner child healing
• Self-affirmations while you self-nurture yourself physically by hugging and cradling self
• Unconditional self-acceptance
• Identification of feelings
• Anger workouts
• Self forgiveness
• Personal journal writing
• Accepting personal responsibility for self
• Grief and mourning work focused on letting go of past hurts, losses, and pain

Steps to implement a re-parenting program in your life
Step 1: Identify if you are in need of re-parenting in your life.
Step 2: Identify in your journal all of the unhealthy thoughts you have about yourself and your life which re-parenting can help alter. Then identify healthy counter thoughts that are more rational and conducive to personal growth. These are re-parenting guidance statements which you need to tell yourself. What follows are some sample positive re-parenting statements for your negative, unhealthy thoughts.

• Unhealthy thought: I am worthless. Re-parenting statement: I am a worthy person.


• Unhealthy thought: I'll never amount to anything. Re-parenting statement: I have and will continue to amount to something in life.


• Unhealthy thought: Because I experienced the sensations and physical excitement, I am guilty for the act of sexual abuse committed against me. Re-parenting statement: Physical and sensual pleasure to the victim of sexual stimulation often results from a sexually abusive situation but this does not make the victim guilty of the act.


• Unhealthy thought: Because as a child I asked for or sought it out, I was responsible for it. Re-parenting statement: As a child I needed healthy guidance and direction from the adults in my life and because I lacked this direction I didn't know or have the strength to avoid such unhealthy or inappropriate activities. In many cases my curiosity needed a parent's gentle guidance. Instead I was left to roam and wander, thus leading me down the "hurtful'' paths that I took.


• Unhealthy thought: I must have been an awful child for them to neglect or abuse me that way. Re-parenting statement: They neglected and abused me because they had problems. I did not deserve the treatment I received.


• Unhealthy thought: All I want out of life is to have someone pick me up in their arms and tell me how proud they are of me. Why can't this happen? Re-parenting statement: I will hug myself daily and tell myself how special I am to me. I will feel the warmth of my hug and realize how sincere my joy in being me is. I will daily affirm my good points and forgive my failures, mistakes, and setbacks. I can make it happen that I am my best source of reinforcement, affirmation, and recognition of worth in life. I am proud of me. I can remain proud of myself. I will be proud of myself.

Step 3: Once you have identified in your journal a set of re-parenting statements for yourself, you can plan a program of re-parenting to follow on a daily basis. To help you do this, refer to Self-Esteem Seekers Anonymous (SEA) Program Manual , the SEA's tools for recovery, the SEA's 12 Step Guide and a detailed outline The SEA's program of Recovery.