Handling Fear of Rejection

A. What constitutes discrimination against people with special needs?
As parents of children with special needs, you need to be aware of the impact of discrimination in the life of your children. Discrimination against people with special needs includes the:
* Negative attitude or stereotyped beliefs people have about those who are "different" or those with disabilities.
* Suspicious lack of trust or uncomfortable way in which people react to the announcement that a child or adult has a disability or special need.
* Fear, worry and dismay on the part of relatives and friends who find it difficult to maintain ongoing contact with parents of a child recently diagnosed as having a disability.
* Ignorance, lack of information and lack of understanding of people who disregard, neglect or avoid the parents and children with special needs.
* Cultural and societal stereotypes, prejudices or bigotry against main streaming people with disabilities or special needs into "normal" society.
* Hidden and unidentified lack of pressure on the school systems to improve the funding and innovate in providing services to exceptional education students.
* Lack of advocacy in terms of full funding, legal action and policy formulation in support of the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) for the full "normalized" employment of people with disabilities or special needs.
* Lack of full funding and advocacy for adult day programs, sheltered workshops, supported work programs and subsidized work programs to meet the employment needs of those with disabilities.
* Lack of full funding, advocacy and appropriate zoning laws for group homes, supported living and supervised apartments and subsidized apartments for people with disabilities.
* Lack of full funding and advocacy for the lifelong social, recreational and leisure needs of people with disabilities.
B. How does one recognize discriminatory behavior?
As parents of children with special needs, you need to be alert and vigilant if there is discrimination occurring to or around your children. This is important because you as advocates for your children will want to take steps to address this discrimination. You will know it is discrimination when:
* You bring your child into a public facility like a mall, restaurant or park and you sense people staring or whispering.
* People stop you and ask cold, cutting and insensitive questions about your child.
* Public or private buildings lack appropriate ramps, access points and other physical supports for people with handicaps and disabilities.
* You want to talk to someone about your feelings, worries and concerns and everyone either ignores, avoids or reassures you that everything will be OK.
* Your friends and relatives begin to avoid you and your child.
* There are drastic cuts at the federal, state and local levels in funding educational, medical, social and rehabilitation programs for people with disabilities.
* Parents in the neighborhood do not allow their children to associate with your children for fear that they will "catch" the disability.
* You realize that people only see the handicap or disability and do not recognize the people with the handicaps or disabilities as"people."
* Your church or synagogue offers no special programs or support to you or your child.
* Support programs are not offered to parents of children with disabilities by the agencies that serve them.
* There are waiting lists of three years or more for day employment programs or residential services for adults with disabilities.
* You continue to hear derisive slang expressions used to refer to people with disabilities, such as "retard, crip, geek, gork, gimp, tard, bozo, imbecile, dumbo, dumdum, boom boom, bimbo, stupid, weirdos, dummies, stupos, nerds."
C. What are the negative effects of discrimination on parent of children with special needs?
Because discrimination exists in our society, you as parents of children with disabilities, handicaps and special needs will be negatively impacted. Some of the ways you might begin to behave as a result of such discrimination are:
* Become highly defensive against any negative reaction to your children.
* Have a tendency to overly protect and hide your children from such negative reaction.
* Resent the negative attitudes displayed by your own parents, relatives and friends.
* Become suspicious of anyone who ask any questions about your children.
* Begin to feel like you are carrying the burden of care for your children alone, with no support from family, friends or the community in which you live.
* Begin to feel like you will always have to "fight city hall" or "cut red tape" to get your children help.
* Begin to feel isolated and alone in your efforts to help your children.
* Begin to feel misunderstood and ostracized by people in your lives for actions you have had to take in order to help your children.
* Begin to feel paranoid whenever you take your children into the public eye.
* Become resentful toward parents with ''normal'' children who have it "so easy," and yet complain about their children and complain about "how hard" they have it.
D. What are the negative effects of discrimination on people with special needs?
Because discrimination exists in our society, people with special needs will become negatively impacted. People with special needs will react to discrimination by beginning to:
* Find it difficult to understand others' reactions to them.
* Find life lonely, unable to play with the kids in their neighborhood.
* Resent having to go to special classes or schools rather than to the regular classes in the neighborhood schools with their friends.
* Feel self-conscious about their differences.
* Feel resentful about how others treat them, like talking loudly or slowly to them.
* Find it difficult to compete for academic honors or scholarships in public high schools.
* Find it hard to get into colleges of their choice.
* Find it difficult to get competitive employment.
* Have fewer resources to use for day programming or housing when they reach adulthood.
* Are sometimes unable to participate in religious, cultural, leisure activities and recreational programs of their choosing.
E. How can the advocates for people with special needs work against discrimination?
You as parents of children with special needs can become anti-discrimination advocates for your children. In your advocacy endeavors you will meet others who advocate for people with disabilities, handicaps and special needs. You as advocates, who promote the reduction of the impact of discrimination against people with special needs, have the following tasks ahead of you in your fight:
* Continue to lobby forcibly at the federal, state and local levels for funding of educational, social, medical and rehabilitative services for people with disabilities.
* Continue to lobby to open churches or synagogues, social clubs, civic organizations, leisure and recreational clubs to serve people who have disabilities.
* Instruct the public, medical and professional communities as to the need for early identification and intervention for those with disabilities.
* Provide an ongoing forum in the print and electronic media to dispel the myths and stereotypes surrounding people with disabilities.
* Openly confront and educate physicians, relatives and friends about the nature, cause and treatment of disabilities.
* Continue to promote and sponsor fund raising for the private, nonprofit organizations serving people with disabilities and special needs.
* Work with curriculum developers and text-book writers to ensure that stereotypes of people with disabilities are discontinued and that accurate information about people with disabilities is included in the K-12 curriculum, in college and in medical training programs.
* Demonstrate publicly that disabilities hit at every socio-economic, racial, religious, ethnic and regional level in our society.
* Educate the public that having a child with a disability is not the most devastating thing to occur in life.
* Mainstream and get children with disabilities included into preschools, daycare centers and elementary schools to teach the "normal" children that they have nothing to fear from associating with these children.
F. Steps to take to address discrimination against people with special needs.
Step 1: Before you begin to address discrimination, determine the level of discrimination you or your child is experiencing. Answer the following questions in your journal:
* How do you know when you are experiencing discrimination because of your target child's disability? How does it make you feel? How do you react to it?
* How do you feel about always needing to be an active advocate to ensure that the societal discrimination does not prevent your child from getting optimal services?
* How do you feel about funding cuts at the federal, state and local levels toward people with disabilities? How will these cuts affect your child? What do you feel is the reason for these cuts?
* How open, responsive and accepting to people with disabilities were you before your child was diagnosed as having a disability? What was your belief toward people with handicaps before your child was born?
* How would you have felt when you were a teenager if you knew then that you would have a child with a disability? How would you have treated such people then, knowing what you know now?
* How close do you remain to the friends you had prior to your child's diagnosed problem? For the friends with whom you have become distant, what do you believe the reason for this is? .
* How do you feel about the ignorance, lack of information and understanding you confront whenever you speak about your child to your: parents, relatives, friends, doctors, neighbors, coworkers?
* How much support do you have from your: church or synagogue, social clubs, old friends, neighbors, relatives, parents, in-laws and spouse as you deal with your target child's concerns?
* How often do you feel like you are under scrutiny or on stage when you bring your child into a public setting?
* How has having a child with a disability changed you, your attitudes, beliefs, values and behavior toward others with disabilities? What does this teach you about the discrimination you and your child experience?
Step 2: Once you have identified whether or not you and your target child are experiencing discrimination, list the negative effects this discrimination is having on your child, family, spouse, extended family and you.
Step 3: Now that you have identified the negative effects of discrimination, identify the behavior needed to counteract such discrimination by:
* myself
* my spouse
* my children
* my target child
* my parents and in-laws
* my relatives
* my friends
* my neighbors
* my church or synagogue
* my target child's doctors
* my child's non-profit advocate agency
* my child's schools
* the state agencies serving children like mine
* the professionals involved with my target child and other children like mine
Step 4: Now that you have identified a set of new behavior traits to be displayed by all those involved with your child, consider an action plan. This personal action plan will describe your reactions in the future to any real or perceived discrimination against you and/or your target child. Develop this plan in your journal:
My Anti-Discrimination Plan
I will watch myself react to the following people over the next 3 months to determine whether or not I am reacting to discrimination from them:
I will instruct these people with appropriate literature and verbal instruction about my child's disability, letting them know the following facts to reduce their ignorance, apathy and stereotypical behavior:
I will develop three standard responses to strangers' questions about my child's problems. They will be:
I will try the following new behavior patterns in the next 12 months to deal with discrimination against my child and me:
I will assess the level of discrimination I am experiencing at the end of 12 months by looking at the following variables:
* How isolated I feel
* How accepted my child is by others
* How readily available services are to my child
* How freely I am able to tell people about my child
* How my child is feeling about herself
What is fear of rejection?
Fear of rejection is the:
Irrational fear that others will not accept me for who I am, what I believe and how I act.
Pervasive motivator for caution in my behavior and interactions with others.
State of mind that makes me incapable of doing or saying anything for fear of others' rejection, lack of acceptance or disapproval.
State of being of individuals who are over-dependent on the approval, recognition or affirmation of others in order to feel good about themselves. In order to sustain personal feelings of adequacy these individuals are constantly concerned with the reactions of others to them.
Self-censoring attitude that inhibits creativity, productivity and imagination in one's approach.
Driving force behind many people that keeps them from being authentic human beings. They are so driven by the need for acceptance of others that they lose their own identity in the process. They mimic the ways in which others act, dress, talk, think, believe and function. They become the three-dimensional clones of the role models they so desperately need to emulate in order to gain acceptance.
Underlying process in the power of peer pressure that grabs hold and makes people act in stereotypical ways. They crave recognition and acceptance from the reference group with whom they want to be identified.
Energy-robbing attitude that leads to self immobilization, self-defeating and self-destructive behavior. This attitude encourages ongoing irrational thinking and behavior, resulting in personal stagnation, regression and depression.
Driving force of some people for all actions in their lives. It plays a part in their choices concerning their education, career direction, work behavior, achievement level, interpersonal and marital relationships, family and community life and the ways in which they spend leisure time.
Act of giving to others more power than I give to myself over how I feel about myself. What the others say or feel about me is the determinant of how I feel about myself. I am completely at the mercy of others for how happy or sad I will be. My self-satisfaction and belief in myself is in their hands. Fear of rejection is the abdication of power and control over my own life.
What common behavior patterns exist for people who operate out of a fear of rejection?
People who operate out of a fear of rejection:
Display little or no assertiveness.
Do not speak up and let others know how they feel about something, especially if their opinions differ.
Function as enablers. They have neither the courage nor the ability to assist others in discontinuing self-destructive behavior, e.g., alcohol or drug abuse, underachievement or workaholism.
Lack the courage to function differently from others, even when they don't enjoy the behavior in which they are involved.
Resort to passive/aggressive behavior; that is dishonest, sneaky and allows for no open communication.
Play games with people. They will keep their personal feelings hidden. They are in tune with what is in and make every effort to emulate it in their lives.
Privately express a great deal of anger or depression over how unfortunate and unhappy their current lifestyle is. Yet, when helped to look at alternatives involving confrontation with others, they take a "yes, but" attitude.
Are confused as to their true identity, wearing "masks" to please others.
Become so obsessed with functioning, looking and acting in a prescribed manner that they become rigid, inflexible and closed to alternative behavior. This is true even if they are unhappy in the lifestyle they hold to so rigidly.
Are dishonest with themselves, so much so that it carries over into their interactions with others and they become habitual liars.
How do others react to people who operate out of a fear of rejection?
People who care for the person who operates out of fear of rejection:
* Encourage the person to be more assertive.
* Plead with the person to change their style of life and to become true to themselves.
* Recognize the lies and find it hard to trust the integrity and honesty of the person.
* Become turned off to the person's behavior, which they know to be unreal.
* Become frustrated when their offers of help to the person continuously go ignored.
* Find themselves asking the person how they are feeling in fear that they will tell them.
* Become nervous around the person, afraid that their discomfort with the person's unfortunate choice of life style will be misread as rejection or disapproval.
* Find it difficult to carry on a normal conversation with the person because the problems emanating out of fear of rejection are, sadly, always evident.
* Recognize that the person for whom they care is in a self-defeating, dead-end cycle.
* Begin to avoid the person so much so that it looks like an out and out rejection of the person for whom they care.
Result: The person who operates out of a fear of rejection ends up pushing away the very friends, family and helpers who care for him. The pulling away of these caring ones appears to be rejection, and the vicious cycle goes on with negative results.
Those whom the person fears being rejected by:
* Take the person for granted.
* Do not recognize that he is making great sacrifices to be accepted by them.
* Ignore the rights of the person.
* Apply pressure consciously or unconsciously for the person to continue to conform to their desires or wishes.
* Play on guilt feelings and press for "their way" so that "awful"' consequences can be avoided.
* Are unaware that the person fears their rejection and do not take this person seriously.
* Ignore the input or ideas of the person and never incorporate the person into their inner circle.
* Find it humorous how the person bends over backwards to please them.
* Manipulate the person to do a multitude of favors for them and are ready to dump the person once the favors become unnecessary.
* Openly reject the person once they have "used" him and have no further use for him. Often they'll reject him once he gets up the nerve to confront them about how they really feel about him.
Result: The person who operates out of a fear of rejection ends up being rejected by the very people from whom he fears rejection.
What are some underlying causes for operating out of a fear of rejection?
People who act out of a fear of rejection may:
* Lack healthy self-concepts, self-worth or self-esteem because they were never fully affirmed in their families of origin.
* Have had a traumatic experience of rejection, for example, in a divorce or separation that deeply scarred them.
* Be bound up in irrational thinking and realize that this behavior is neither rational nor necessary.
* Have lacked appropriate role models in life who accepted them for who they really were.
* Be insecure in their personal identity, with a debilitating lack of self-confidence.
* Have never been exposed to healthy ways of dealing with conflict or disagreement.
* Lack the social skills to adapt to a reference group.
* Have suffered from social isolation in their early lives.
* Lack certain personal accomplishments, which they feel set them apart and which contribute to their lack of self-confidence.
* Be unaware that they are operating out of a fear of rejection and may even deny it if it is pointed out to them.
* Have a physical condition that they believe makes them unattractive to others.
* Have been told all their life that they were "second best"' or different.
Steps to overcome the fear of rejection.
Step 1: Read through the material in this chapter and decide whether or not you operate out of a fear of rejection.
Step 2: Identify in your journal the person(s) from whom you fear rejection.
Step 3: Identify in your journal how your fear of rejection is displayed in your behavior toward the people you identified in Step 2.
Step 4: Identify in your journal healthy, productive and rational alternative behavior patterns to those identified in Step 3.
Step 5: Identify in your journal what the consequences would be of using the alternative behavior patterns listed in Step 4.
Step 6: Identify in your journal what obstacles, other than your fear of rejection, exist in your adopting the alternative behavior listed in Step 4.
Step 7: Analyze the obstacles listed in Step 6 and identify in your journal whether they are irrational beliefs or actual obstacles to change.
Step 8: Implement alternate behavior patterns not based on a fear of rejection.
Step 9: If you still have problems and are operating out of a fear of rejection, return to Step 1 and begin again. A professional or objective helper may be necessary to guide you.