Experiencing conflict in a relationship doesn't always have a negative implication, but the way in which you communicate your differences has significant influence on how effective your conflict resolution is. Conflict is a disparity between your desires, morals and thoughts and those of someone else. Productive communication is the foundation for any successful conflict resolution. Working through your differences of opinion requires that you accept the diversity of values in others.
Emotional
Negative interactions breed hostility. Resentment can cause emotional turmoil and manifest itself in isolation or hostility, which can lead to sadness and anxiety and a further breakdown in communication. Opposing attitudes or criticism can often cause you to evade communicating your thoughts and emotions for fear of retribution. Feeling devalued or insignificant can cause you to avoid communication, and evading conflict only produces additional emotional pain and doesn't solve anything. By refusing to participate in conversation, you prevent the resolution of the discord. Professor and expert on human emotions, Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., believes that "when intimate personal relationships involve submissiveness, they're morally unjust and problems are bound to occur, since such relationships need to express the value of each person in the relationship."
Physical
Reacting to conflict with a defensive or angry attitude is a natural attempt to protect your interests and integrity. Reacting with rage can destroy openness with your partner, however, and send messages of contempt and hostility, causing the lines of communication to close and increasing the possibility of a physical reaction to anger or frustration. Denying accountability, making excuses and formulating accusatory complaints are all defensive reactions to conflict and projection of a refusal to accept compromise. Accusatory statements and assertions of guilt can have enduring effects and lead to violence if they're not properly addressed. Clinical social worker, Claire Arene, MSW, LCSW, who specializes in relationship crisis and mental health disorders says: "The important thing to note about arguments is that they can be very destructive and even when couples appear to have recovered by apologizing to each other and making up afterwards, the harsh words spoken are rarely forgotten or forgiven. Repeated arguments erode the feelings of friendship, and even the relationship to the point that divorce could become inevitable. Structuring the discussion about disagreements helps to prevent this scenario." By expressing your thoughts and emotions in a composed manner, you can relay your message more effectively and avoid inflammatory remarks that may escalate into conflict.
Beneficial
Encountering conflict can be transformed into an asset in relationships. Agreeing to disagree over individual thoughts and beliefs proves that you're able to find value in attempts to understand your partner or co-worker. Your validation permits others to feel relaxed and in a position to be more honest and open, reducing incidents of conflict. Disagreements can challenge you and your partner to evolve in your relationship by learning more about each other's emotional and physical needs. Marriage and family psychologist, Dean Busby agrees with the perspective of positive conflict. He says that people who are the "validating types make sure that their partner feels understood and that both perspectives are attended to and they are more likely to create a positive connection around that conflict." Appropriate discord can propose boundaries while simultaneously promoting discussion and communication that can help you to understand and connect with others in relationships.
References
- Psychology Today: Meta-conflict
- Psych Central: Managing Conflict When Personalities Clash
- 4Therapy: Couples Therapy: Using Structured Discussions to Resolve Conflict
- The New Jersey Association of Cognitive Behavioral Therapists: John Gottman Proposes Revolutionary New Form of Couple Therapy---or Does He?
- Help Guide: Relationship Help
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