Moving a Parent Into Your Home

The U.S. Census Bureau reports that the number of parents living in adult children's households is up 67 percent since 2000. While deciding to let an older parent move in with you is a loving gesture, you should consider all options and clarify your reasons in advance. Unresolved conflicts or purely emotional reasons for doing so can lead to resentment and caregiver burnout. Here are some questions to help you sort out your own motives and plans so the ultimate decision can be the best for all involved.

1. Are you considering this move because you feel guilty or angry about a family situation that has left you with this decision? You may choose to seek help with these feelings before (or instead of) taking a parent into your home. The additional burden of caring for an elder parent may not resolve, but may actually aggravate, your feelings.

2. Are you going to take on additional duties, or are you just hoping to be around to prevent your parent (or yourself) from being lonely? If your parent has a chronic medical condition, consider the potential responsibilities of medication oversight, medical-visit coordination, transportation and potential 24-hour supervision. If those things are needed now, they will not go away with a move. In fact, moving may temporarily make your parent's needs more intense.

3. Have you looked into other living arrangements? There are many housing options available for elders, including some with both human and technological oversight solutions that may surprise you. Nursing homes and retirement homes are no longer the only options for an elder to live safely on his own. Get a second professional opinion about what's available locally. Consult your local Area Administration on Aging office for recommendations and pricing for an assessment. Get any reports in writing so you can discuss them objectively with your parent.

4. What does your parent prefer? A frank conversation might uncover the surprising fact that your parent would prefer to live alone or nearby instead of moving in. Include the physician in this conversation, so you can fully understand the safety issues of alternatives.

5. Are you considering a move to save money? In-home care is very expensive, even when part-time. Evaluate the cost of part-time care, assume you cannot be available 24/7, and compare the arrangement to other housing options before making the leap. Anticipate the need to find occasional relief in the form of a vacation. What will the impact be on your financial situation? In your analysis, include that you may be eligible for tax relief by claiming your elder as a dependent, or may qualify for a tax deduction for home modifications made for a medical reason.

6. How does the rest of the family feel about taking in a parent? Understand that the addition of any family member will require some help from everyone. If your parent is ill, be sure to evaluate the potential impact on other members of the family who will have to make accommodations.

7. How will you decide if the arrangement is or is not working? How will you feel if it does not? How will your parent feel? Can you decide up front how you will change things again, and in what time frame you will do so? Some experts say that the adjustment of a new family member takes up to 1 year to resolve. Plan on regular family "checkups" to discuss how things are going.

Extended families can be the blessing of a lifetime. By planning ahead and setting realistic expectations, you and your parents can have a happy transition to living together again. Discuss and review all aspects (including alternatives), give your elder private space and set rules in advance for what is acceptable in your household and what is not. Doing some hard work beforehand can make all the difference.