How to Listen

If only she'd stop texting while you are talking. What will it take for him to turn off that MP3 player and hear what you have to say; it's important! Parents and caregivers everywhere often get frustrated with what they perceive as their teens tuning them out, and sometimes it seems there's no way to get through. Here are a few tips on how to get your offspring to hear you.
Listening Looks Different for Everyone
Do you have a co-worker who doodles in the middle of a meeting? Wonder how it's possible that you can have a conversation with your friend while she's on the computer? What other people are doing when they're listening might not be the same as what you're doing. These days, as we're called to multi-task in every area of our lives, we're developing the ability to listen even though it might not look like it. There are even folks out there who can listen better if they're doing something else at the same time (kinesthetic learners). So don't discount that your teen may be hearing you even though he may be involved in something or pretending otherwise. When the polls come back saying that young people are modeling the adults around them, you can be sure that at least some of what you're saying is getting through.
Practice a Nonjudgmental Approach
How do you respond when a friend tells you you're doing something wrong? "Hey! You shouldn't have done it that way!" "What's the matter with you?" You can bet that just as you likely bristle when someone's judging you, your teen is too. Instead, try the questioning route, "How do you think that hanging out with your friends and not doing your homework will affect you tomorrow in school?" or "What do you think about when you hear that your best friend is having sex?" By coming at your teen in a nonthreatening manner in which you set yourself up to help your child think something through, you're more likely to get an answer.
The Best Ways to Get Your Teenager not to Listen to You
Engage in any of the following roadblocks to communication and you're almost sure to guarantee that your teen will not pay attention: shaming, blaming, preaching, judging, criticizing, arguing, interrogating, distracting and dismissing. Consider trying the opposites and see what happens.
Listen to Them
A Chinese proverb: "To listen well is as powerful a means of influence as to talk well, and is as essential to all true conversation." The best way to get your teen to listen to you is to model what listening looks and sounds like. Listening is about eye contact and other body language that lets the speaker know that you hear what he's saying and you're interested in it. Listening is about paraphrasing what you heard to the other person so he know you heard right. Listening is about asking questions that elicit more answers and help a person tell a story. When people are listened to, it makes them feel important, worthy and respected; so see what will make your teen feel that way. You might find that if you take interest in what your teen is saying, he just might reciprocate.