How Can My Father And I Improve Our Communication?

"Fathers don't communicate" is such a common stereotype that it routinely shows up as prime time sitcom fodder. Despite that, communication expert Deborah Tannen supports the thought that males, especially males in a position of authority, communicate very differently than people of different genders and roles. Fortunately, there are concepts and skills you can put in place to better communicate with your father.

Understanding Communication Styles

According to Dr. Linda Nielson in her book "Between Fathers & Daughters: Enriching and Rebuilding Your Adult Relationships," emotional IQ is key to good communication with anybody. If you have a different communication style from your father, it's helpful to understand and respect the ways he communicates. This will help you identify what he's trying to say and to phrase your communication in ways that make your message loud and clear.

Look For Improvement

Nielsen also cautions against focusing on the negative in your communication with your father. It can be easy to become caught up in what frustrates you about trying to communicate, especially if the two of you have wildly different communication styles. Instead, Nielson says, focus on specific ways you can communicate better and on the things you appreciate and hope to accomplish via better communication.

Foster Shared Interests

Take a page from your childhood. Think of the times that you and your father communicated the best. If you're like many people, this was while the two of you were sharing an activity, such as fishing, working on a project together or playing a sport or board game. By working together on a shared interest, the two of you create a reason to spend time together while celebrating something you have in common. This combination opens the door to clear and meaningful communicating.

Be Ready to Give

In Tannen's book "That's Not What I Meant," she points out the importance of giving during communication. Realize and accept that your father's communication goals are probably different from your own. Although it's common for an adult child to have questions and issues to resolve, also take time to give your father what he wants out of talking with you.

Considerations

You and your father will have both changed a lot since you were born. However, your dad will always be your dad. This means that he may have trouble talking to you as an adult or taking your opinions as seriously as you would hope. It might also mean that even though he does consider you an adult and take your opinions seriously, he doesn't demonstrate it as well as you'd hope. Nielsen points out that what may seem condescending to you could just be parental love and concern to him. In a similar vein, be aware that he might not be comfortable discussing some topics with his children under any circumstances.