At some point in life most people lose somebody who is tremendously important to them. This loss can feel unbearable and overwhelming. Grief is a complex and sometimes crippling process that requires full engagement if you are to mourn your loss completely. Although grief usually refers to the loss of somebody through death, any significant loss can evoke grief.
Stages of Grief
Swiss psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, M.D. created a five-stage model of grief that is used worldwide. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
1. Denial: A person may not fully grasp that a loss has happened. Some people experience the sense that a lost loved one is about to come home, or they feel unable to make necessary arrangements.
2. Anger: This emotion may be directed at the person who is gone, at God, at caregivers or at the world.
3. Bargaining: This stage can manifest as rumination on what one could have done differently or what one would give to somehow avoid the loss.
4. Depression: Deep sadness, fatigue, isolation and other intense emotions characterize this stage.
5. Acceptance: The last stage of grief is an integration of the grieving process into life going forward.
Although the model suggests that the stages happen linearly, in fact they almost always occur in various orders, and you may move back and forth between stages throughout the grieving process.
Engaging in the Grieving Process
Grieving can feel overwhelming, and sometimes people shut down rather than grieve, moving on very quickly or even throwing themselves into work or other activities. A loss that you do not mourn almost inevitably shows up in other ways later, however, with manifestations such as physical symptoms or illness, sleep difficulties, relationship problems, alcohol or substance abuse and psychological problems. Edward Creagan, M.D., of the Mayo Clinic states that "if you don't face your grief, your wounds may never quite go away. Acknowledge the pain and know that it's part of the healing process."
Getting Help
Reaching out for help while grieving can be daunting. Resisting the pull to isolate can make the difference between moving through grief effectively and getting stuck or derailed. Psychotherapy can help you process the complex feelings of loss and provide guidance to conceptualize or rebuild a life without an important person. Dr. Creagan advises that "a friend, a confidant, a spiritual leader---all can help you along the journey of healing. Look to loved ones and other close contacts to share in your sorrow or simply be there when you cry." Bereavement support groups exist in some cities, often at hospitals. It is important not to hide the pain but instead let people help and show care and solidarity.
Children and Grief
Families sometimes try to protect children from grief. In reality, children are exquisitely sensitive to what is going on around them and can feel very confused and alone if no one talks to them about what has happened. David Kessler explains that "kids grieve very differently from adults. They may not talk about things for weeks or months. Be available to talk about their grief whenever it may come up." Children will look to the adults around them for cues about dealing with grief. Showing them that crying is okay and that loss is a normal part of life can help them to accept and express their own feelings. That said, Kessler advises that parents "keep as many normal routines going as possible; but, allow a little more time knowing that grief is exhausting for you and your children. Routines are very important, because doing normal things in abnormal times help us to feel normal again."
