The decision to move into an assisted living facility, or nursing home, can strain relationships between elderly parents and their adult children. Transitioning to an unfamiliar environment and new caregivers can take 30 to 90 days, Aging Care notes. You can encourage your elderly parent's independence and socialization while improving your relationship through open communication.
Communicate
Maintain open communication with your elderly parent, suggests the U.S. State Department. Reassure your parent by asking if she has any concerns, even after she has settled into life at the assisted living facility. Don't avoid an awkward conversation out of embarrassment. Dealing with serious issues will give you a deeper understanding of what your parent needs and wants, so you can make informed decisions once your parent is no longer able to make them for herself.
Release Guilt
Often adult children harbor guilt after moving elderly parents into a nursing home, Aging Care says. Lingering guilt may cause strain on your relationship with elderly parents. Remind yourself of the reasons you decided assisted living was the best option. If you still struggle with guilt, consider seeking counseling from a family therapist familiar with elderly care issues.
Avoid Sibling Rivalry
Francine Russo, author of "They're Your Parents, Too! How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents' Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy," says when a family begins caring for elderly parents it "evokes very old and very deep feelings." According to Russo, past family conflicts, like sibling rivalry, can cloud current decisions and add unnecessary stress to the situation. Use a geriatric care manager to help you communicate with your siblings, Russo suggests. The geriatric care manager will help your family delegate responsibilities and put your elderly parents' needs first, without bickering or raising old arguments.
Mend Broken Relationships
Roberta Satow, author of "Doing the Right Thing: Taking Care of Your Elderly Parents, Even If They Didn't Take Care of You," had a distant relationship with her mother, who she describes as "critical and angry." Later in life, Satow began caring for her elderly mother and struggled with feelings of guilt and anger. If you have had a strained relationship with your parents, it makes caring for them more stressful and emotionally draining. Satow recommends focusing on constructive growth during your parents' elder years. "Caregiving is is a period of life in which we can really resolve many unresolved feelings from earlier times," Satow says.
Texas A&M Family and Consumer Sciences also recommends identifying specific areas of conflict and discussing them openly with your elderly parents. If you have difficulty communicating together, invite a minister, counselor or family friend to help move your family through the reconciliation process.
Encourage Independence
Aging Care notes that adult children who smother their elderly parents by visiting or calling too frequently can keep them from getting involved in their new assisted living care community. Encourage your parent to participate in social events at her new nursing home. Ask her caregiver for a calendar of events and highlight the ones you think your parent would most enjoy. Then gently suggest these events until she begins attending. Ask her about new friends and let her see how interested you are in her new life. Aging Care also recommends going to some social activities with your parent to meet her new friends and validate her new life.
Be Respectful
Although elderly parents can sometimes seem more like your children, remember that they are your parents. Always be respectful of their role as your parents, suggests the U.S. State Department. Avoid making decisions without consulting your parent, which can hurt his feelings of self-worth. Allow him to keep the most control possible in making his own decisions and honor his feelings and concerns whenever possible.
Personalize the Room
When your elderly parent first moves to an assisted living facility, let her bring as many familiar items from home as possible, suggests Aging Care. After checking on space and storage limitations, let your parent bring her favorite sitting chair, antique end table or homey curtains. Something as simple as familiar sheets can help your parent feel more comfortable in her new home. As she continues living in the nursing home, bring photos of other family members, such as grandkids and pets, to display in her room. This helps your parent feel connected to the daily events in your life, even though she can't attend them as often.
References
- Family and Consumer Sciences Texas A&M System: Building Positive Relationships
- U. S. News & World Report: Francine Russo on Caring for Your Aging Parents
- NPR: Roberta Satow on Caring for Elderly Parents
- Aging Care: Caregiver's Role in Moving Elderly Parents to Assisted Living
- U. S. Department of State: Caring for Elderly Parents
