Children face increasingly difficult challenges to navigate at a young age. Diagnosis of emotional and behavioral disorders in childhood has skyrocketed in recent years. According to the United States Department of Health and Human Services, "about 13 of every 100 children and adolescents ages 9 to 17 experience some kind of anxiety disorder; girls are affected more than boys. Population studies show that at any point in time 10 to 15 percent of children and adolescents have some symptoms of depression." Communicating in a healthy way, and teaching children good coping, communication and listening skills will serve them well throughout their lives.
Talking About Feelings
Children learn to take certain matters seriously; math, science, history, spelling and sports, for example, because school, family and society teach them that these things are important. And if children are lucky, they receive some education about feelings in kindergarten. Beyond that, they are on largely left on their own to navigate the most powerful force that exists for any personal emotions. Parents should help children to articulate their feelings every day. When a child talks about her new friend being mean and excluding her from play that day, parents can try to help her find the words to express how she felt. This kind of help requires parents to tolerate hearing painful feelings rather than trying to talk children out of them. A sample dialogue may proceed as follows: Parent: "Wow, that sounds awful!. How did you feel when she didn't let you play with her?" Child: "I felt sad. And embarrassed." Parent: "Of course! I can imagine you would feel that way. That must have been really hard to feel sad, and to feel embarrassed on top of that is even harder!" Parents can continue the conversation by asking a child what she did to manage her feelings and come up with any ideas together of what she might do if something like that happens in the future. Parents should not to move in too fast to "take away" the bad feelings. Here is an example of normal but ineffective communication with a child about feelings in a reworking of the same situation: Child: "I don't really want to go on the school camping trip. It's not going to be any fun anyway. And Randy said it's going to be really dark at night, and we'll be way out in the woods." Parent: "Oh come on, it's going to be great! You were so excited about it last week. I loved camping when I was a kid. It was always a blast! Come on, let's get you packed up and maybe find some good toys for you to bring." A better response from the parent would be: Parent: "Hmmm. It sounds like there's part of you that's excited about the camping trip, but now that it's getting closer, maybe you are scared about it. Does that sound right?" Boy: "Yeah, maybe." Parent: "You know, I can absolutely understand that. Let's talk more about what you are scared about and what I can do to help." If a child is having a meltdown, trying to elicit some "feelings words" that describe emotions from her can help her to express herself and her needs as well as defuse the tantrum.
Empathy
Teaching a language for feelings dovetails with teaching and expressing empathy. While sympathy equates more or less to "feeling sorry for" someone, empathy is "feeling with" others. Modeling empathy is one way of instilling it in children. When children hear a parent laugh at someone's expense or speak uncaringly about someone's suffering, they pick that up. Parents can make it a practice to express empathy instead. It is especially important to show empathy to children when they have difficult feelings. If a child comes home disappointed about a mediocre grade on a test, parents might struggle to hold their tongues and listen to her disappointment. If parents jump in with criticism of her study habits or assurances that this test doesn't matter, they cut off a chance to empathize with her, which deepens their relationship and teaches her that her feelings matter. Instead, parents could tell her how sorry they are that she's so disappointed, and ask her more about it. She may still need reassurance and help coming up with a study plan for the next time, but there is space for empathy first. A younger child may throw a tantrum because his parents refuse to buy him a toy he wants. Although it may be a struggle, a frustrated parent might try some empathy: "Honey, it's great that you really know what you want. And I completely understand that you really, really want this toy. I'm not going to buy it for you today, and I know that's not what you want to hear. I can sure understand how frustrated and upset you must be right now." This reaction may not defuse the tantrum, but it absolutely shows the child that his feelings matter and that his parents understand and respect him and his feelings.
Feelings Matter
In an article in "Mothering," Inbal Kashtan, one of the founders of Bay Area Nonviolent Communication, explains that "by hearing the feelings and needs beneath our children's words and behaviors, we offer them precious gifts. We help them understand, express, and find ways to meet their needs; we model for them the capacity to empathize with others; we give them a vision of a world where everyone's needs matter." Expressing a true respect for feelings lets a child know that her needs matter, and that you understand her. A parent empathizing with an enraged child and helping her find feelings words helps her to understand her needs and learn coping skills: Parent: "I can see that you are incredibly angry at me and really upset that I won't let you stay up late to watch the rest of this movie. I wonder if you are especially upset because you want to be with me and Daddy, and if you go to bed now you won't be?" Daughter, crying: "Yeah!" Parent: "Yeah. You're sad too. I understand that's how you would feel. How about Daddy or I read you a story and tuck you in?" In this way, the parent shows understanding and respect for her child's feelings and needs and contains them.
