The Swiss psychiatrist Elizabeth Kübler-Ross spent her years with the terminally ill and dying, and in the process of doing so, she learned a great deal about how individuals handle death. In 1969, she published her findings in the famous book, "On Death and Dying." In it, she theorized that people pass through five distinct stages when they are grieving and that these stages can come in any order and are distinctive to the individual.
Denial
Denial is the unwillingness or inability to accept that a loss has occurred. During this stage, the grieving person may avoid talking about the loss, or she may act as if the deceased person is still there. Another facet of denial is pretending that everything is normal and that she is not feeling any emotions related to the loss. This stage is the brain's defense mechanism; it allows the death to sink in for a short period of time before the person actually has to come to terms with the loss. Because death is largely undeniable, this stage does not last for very long.
Anger
After denial has worn off, reality begins to sink in, and this leads many people to become angry. Vulnerability manifests itself as rage, and this can be aimed at any number of people. The griever may be angry at the person he lost for leaving him, at his spouse, at his family and even at himself. During this stage, the griever may become isolated from others around him, and his family may have a hard time communicating with him due to his misplaced rage. Understanding that this is simply another stage may help his family remain understanding and comforting.
Bargaining
During this stage, the griever attempts to figure out exactly what she can do to postpone or undo death. This bargaining takes place with whatever higher power she has within her beliefs. Generally, she tries to make a deal that if she is a better person, prays more or changes, then her higher power will grant her more time with the loved one she has lost or is losing. Bargaining can also take the form of wondering what might have been, if only she had done things differently.
Depression
Depression sinks in when the griever realizes that no amount of denial, anger or bargaining will make the loss any less real. At this stage, an overwhelming feeling of helplessness and self-pity supersedes all else. Sleeping patterns, eating habits and willingness to be around other people can all change. A feeling of lack of control and a lot of crying are both very common. In addition, the griever may blame himself for the loss during this time, and he may even feel suicidal. Luckily, however, this is the last stage to come before he can experience acceptance.
Acceptance
Everyone does not achieve acceptance, and contrary to popular belief, acceptance does not mean getting back to normal or forgetting about the loss. Instead, acceptance entails coming to terms with the griever's new reality. During this stage, he realizes that the loss has occurred and cannot be undone, but he also can begin to be hopeful about the future. A certain amount of healing occurs, and he can then begin to focus again on daily life and personal growth. Authentic happiness may not yet be achievable, but with time, he can again feel fulfilled.
