According to pediatrician Dr. William Sears, inconsistency is a common though not exclusive reason for the development of tantrums. Dr. Sears believes that if pleas or whining are rewarded by a distracted or tired parent with what is desired, a potent lesson has been learned. In the future, the whining will continue, and if the parent tries to refuse, the child will increase the volume and intensity until his wish has been granted. Although Dr. Sears says this theory doesn't apply to infants or very young children whose cries should always be attended to, this cycle of poor behavior is exhausting and unpleasant for child and parent. If you're at the end of your rope with problem behavior, contact a pediatric behavioral specialist to get extra insight, support and advice.
Tantrums and Physical Abuse
Based on increasing scientific evidence against spanking and anti-spanking opinions among child development researchers, most European and Scandinavian countries have enacted laws against spanking. In addition, the United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child has declared spanking a form of violence and supports the creation of laws against physical punishment. Attachment parenting experts Dr. William and Martha Sears feel that instead of spanking or slapping an already hysterical child, it can be more effective to offer them a quiet place to express their emotions. When the tantrum has calmed--and it will--gently, without sarcasm, ask your child if he's ready to continue the day with you. Your child will learn that tantrums don't result in anything positive for him and will not learn to opt for negative attention.
Training Good Behavior
If you think you have unwittingly trained your child to have a tantrum in public, it will be a hard behavior to break. But it can be done if you're willing to make the effort, according to "The Discipline Book" by Dr. William and Martha Sears. Though every child is unique, consistency in any method is important for its success. Before entering a public place, announce that good behavior will be rewarded. If a tantrum begins, simply ignore it as best you can or calmly leave the area with your screaming child in tow. The study of behaviorism stresses that negative attention is considered by a child to be a type of reward as well, so be careful to pay attention to what you reward. The goal in behavioral modification is to achieve positive behavior that does not require a reward or cue long term.
Guilt
Even the most tolerant parent is bound to have unpleasant thoughts about her child's volatile behavior. When a conscientious parent has negative thoughts about her child, she may feel guilty for having entertained such thoughts about the person she is supposed to love unconditionally. However, repressing thoughts is an ineffective way to process valid feelings. A more effective option to dealing with this type of guilt is to instead observe the thought and validate why you might feel this way. Remind yourself that though you love your child, you may not always like your child's behavior and that it's OK to feel that way.
Modeling
Parents can model appropriate displays of anger by expressing their own unhappiness at certain situations without violence or screaming. The ability for a parent to express his anger but still offer love and acceptance to the child is a powerful teaching tool that can enable a child to learn that anger doesn't equate to removal of love.
Mental Illness in Children
The National Alliance of Mental Illness, or NAMI, says that 1 in 10 families has a child who struggles with behavioral issues related to mental illness, such as bi-polar disorder, attention deficit disorder, anxiety, depression or a variety of other symptoms related to mental health issues. Parents may want to seek support and guidance from those who understand that not all behavioral issues are related to poor parenting so that they can avoid the guilt that comes from trying to change circumstances without success.
References
- "Your Baby and Child- from birth to age 5"; Penelope Leach; 1997
- "The Discipline Book: How to Have a Better-Behaved Child From Birth to Age Ten"; Martha and Dr. William Sears; 1995
- "The Attachment Parenting Book"; William and Martha Sears; 2001
- "Nightime Parenting"; William Sears; 1999
- Office of the United Nations High Comissioner for Human Rights
