Emotions & Conflict

The heat of conflict can make anyone reactive, and can cause you to lose your usual communication skills. Emotions get riled up, and various areas of the brain get much more active, sometimes overriding other areas that would normally govern communication and everyday functioning. Understanding a few things that happen to emotions and emotional regulation during conflict can help you to develop more self-awareness and calm under difficult circumstances.

Conflict

Conflict occurs in all spheres of life: at work, between friends, with a spouse, between parent and child, and with families of origin. Conflict can happen as a brief flare-up, perhaps a sharp annoyance or brief exchange of sharp words. It can last for weeks or months with periods of respite, as with an ongoing issue in a relationship. And it can last literally for years, as in very long-standing family grievances, where estrangement or tense relations have become the norm.

Brain Function

The brain regulates emotional response. Several areas of the brain are involved in responding to conflict and regulating emotions. The sympathetic nervous system gets activated under stress, threat, or fear. Many involuntary responses then occur, including the release of adrenalin into the blood stream. Once adrenaline is flowing through the blood stream, it takes some time to regulate to a state of calm again. This explains in part why arguments can take on a life of their own, and why it can take time to "cool off" during or after conflict, advises professor of psychology George Boeree in Pennsylvania.

Anger

Anger very often occurs during conflict, and for some it can be a frightening and disregulating emotion. A person may feel that her anger is caused by something her partner did or said, certainly the prevailing understanding of anger. In fact, the partner's actions may stimulate her feelings without causing them. The book "Nonviolent Communication" describes this more fully, "Our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as our particular needs and expectations in that moment."

Reactivity

Reactivity is the knee-jerk, reflexive response that often happens in conflict. This involves physiological and psychological defenses against a perceived threat. It also makes productive, thoughtful resolution at least temporarily impossible. Responding to a situation differs from reacting to it. In responding, more room opens up for taking effective control of difficult feelings and working to understand and express them. In fact, the word "responsible" derives from the same root. A person can tell when he is being reactive by noticing whether he feels out of control, blaming, defensive, or inarticulate.

Better Coping During Conflict

One important part of decreasing reactivity and managing anger effectively is to separate the other person from any responsibility for one's anger. This thinking is black and white, and leads to blaming rather than mutual understanding. Taking a moment to breathe and check in with oneself also helps to regulate emotions and defuse reactivity. Doing this might entail identifying what it is that is actually producing anger, what needs are not being met, and expressing that.