Children often know more about death than adults give them credit for. They have seen dead animals, and they probably see people die on television frequently. But their understanding is incomplete. When someone close to them dies, they need the adults in their world to help them deal with their grief. Unfortunately, the other family members on whom the child depends for care usually become less available for a time because they, too, are dealing with the death. Understanding how children perceive death makes it easier to help them through a difficult period.
Characteristics
Losing a loved one can be shocking and confusing for a child who has never dealt with death before, and it can disrupt the child's stability. Children often express their grief differently than do adults, notes the American Academy for Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. In many cases, the child will become withdrawn, though irritability or boisterousness are common responses, too. Also, children experiencing loss commonly regress in their behaviors, acting a few years later. A potty-trained child, for example, may go back to diapers.
Time Frame
How a child experiences grief depends largely on the age and developmental stage of the child. Infants and toddlers, up to about age 5, experience a sense of loss but do not understand the permanence of death, according to the Children's Grief Education Association. From ages 6 to 10, children comprehend that a loved one who has died will not return and are likely to be interested in diseases and what happens to the body. In early adolescence, ages 11 to 13, the child's natural insecurity may be magnified by the loss. From 14 to 18, as youths are testing their independence, they often seek to hide their grief and talk with peers about it rather than adults. They are more prone to engage in high-risk behavior following loss of a loved one.
Emotions
Children can feel a range of emotions following a death, sometimes all at once. Sadness and anger are hallmarks of grief, and children may express them through crying, heavy sighs and irritability. Fear, anxiety and insecurity are also common, resulting in "overly parentified" behavior, as children help fill a void left in the household or, conversely, disruptive, attention-seeking actions, according to the Children's Grief Education Association. Loneliness, yearning and numbness also occur frequently.
Helping
Relatives, family friends, teachers and other adults can be major sources of support for grieving children. But in order to make the child feel comfortable, the right words are important. The Children's Grief Education Association recommends simple, open-ended statements. Examples of useful phrasing include, "I’m sorry your mom/dad/sister died," "What is the hardest part for you?" and "Whenever you want to talk about it, I'm here for you." Statements that can be hurtful include, "I know just how you feel," "Be strong" and "You are the man/woman of the house now."
Warning
Sometimes a child's reaction goes beyond normal grief to become a serious problem. Some warning signs are prolonged depression, a precipitous drop in school performance, a refusal to go to school and frequent comments about wanting to join the deceased person, according to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. The changes may merit help from a mental health professional.
