Many people, when asked what the most important basis is for a happy marriage and family, will answer "good communication." But what, exactly is good communication, and how does one practice it? Psychology researchers have studied this area for years, and have begun to unravel and explain the difference between good and not-so-good couple and family communications.
Men and Women Are Similar
Despite the "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" theme of popular literature, empirical research indicates that men and women are more alike than different in their communications within personal relationships, according to Kathleen Galvin, researcher with the Northwestern University School of Communications. However, women tend to express a greater range of emotions and use touch more frequently to communicate a sense of closeness than men. Women are also more prone than men to use power plays and manipulative behavior, Galvin says. Criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal and contempt are the most destructive types of communications behavior for both men and women in couple relationships.
Tools for Intimacy
Talk that includes recognizing and valuing another's existence; displays of interest, affection, acceptance, empathy and joy; voluntarily sharing personal and private information; deciding when and how to share thoughts and feelings help communication, according to Tara Emmers-Sommer, research professor at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.
Family Communication Styles
Some of the areas of stress that affect family communications and relationships involve the degree of autonomy or connection individual members experience; the need to balance open expression with privacy; and the conflicting desires for consistency and predictability with a desire for novelty and change, Emmers-Sommer says. In step-families, there is also an inherent tension between the voluntary marriage relationship and the involuntary stepchild-stepparent connection that can only be resolved by mindful communications.
Turning Negativity Around
To a large extent, the health of the marriage relationship affects other relationships and communications within the family. One sign of a healthy marriage is how the partners manage conflicts. Distressed or unhappy partners often create a cycle of negativity in which both both partners engage in a downward emotional spiral of criticism, complaint and hurt feelings, according to Galvin. Healthy couples are distinguished by their ability to step outside the negativity cycle and seek positive solutions. But there is a bright side even to the hurtful communication styles of unhappy couples. "Learned patterns can be unlearned by partners in dissatisfied and distressed relationships if the desire exists to better the relationship," Galvin says.
Finding a Licensed Therapist
Family therapy is a specific type of psychotherapy designed to help make positive changes through better communications in families and couples in intimate relationships. More information about licensing of therapists is available from the Association of Marital and Family Regulatory Boards (http://www.amftrb.org)
