Even though falling in love can be easy, staying in love can challenge even the most devoted spouses. Marriage does not have to disintegrate, though, to two people with shared lives who have little warmth, spark and vitality between them. In fact, passion and intimacy in marriage grows out of healthy communication between spouses. Healthy communication encompasses much more than learning how to say what you mean. Healthy communication also includes genuineness, openness and transparency in the marriage relationship. Improving marital communication takes effort and investment on the part of both spouses, but the payoff can be a vibrant, healthy marriage.
Step 1
Learn about differences in communication styles, and seek to understand how you and your spouse may communicate differently. In “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts,” Les and Leslie Parrott explain that “conversationally speaking, women share feelings, and men solve problems.” These differences can cause frustration if they are not understood and respected.
Step 2
Avoid making “you” statements that accuse or attack your spouse, such as, “You are so insensitive. You never think about me!” Instead, try to state what you are thinking and feeling in statements that use “I” and that take ownership over your emotions, such as, “I feel hurt and unseen when you don’t ask me what I think.”
Step 3
Give a genuine apology when you say or do something that causes pain for your spouse, whether or not the hurtful words or actions were intentional. Giving a genuine apology includes taking responsibility for your behavior, recognizing and affirming your spouse’s perspective, and seeking to make any changes that might be needed.
Step 4
Seek to listen to your spouse in active and reflective ways, not waiting for your turn to speak, but instead seeking to fully hear what he is saying. Restate what he said to make sure you understand him, and take time to ask clarifying questions, such as “How did that make you feel?” and “What do you mean when you say that?”
Step 5
Discover the ways that your spouse best understands and receives love, such as through acts of service or words of affirmation, and then seek to regularly communicate your love in these ways. Gary Chapman, in “The Five Love Languages,” outlines five specific ways that different personalities express and receive love. These five love languages are quality time, words of affirmation, meaningful gifts, acts of service and physical touch.
Tips and Warnings
- Learn healthy strategies for navigating and resolving conflict in your relationship with your spouse, and then seek to practice regular conflict resolution. Unresolved conflict can contribute to the breakdown of communication in a marriage.
- Learn how to avoid destructive communication practices, such as placating, blaming and changing the subject. Even though these communication practices are tempting in the midst of conflict, they prevent healthy communication from occurring.
References
- “The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts”; Gary Chapman; 2010
- “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts”; Les Parrot, Leslie Parrott; 2006
