How To Make Your Marriage Work After Infidelity

You may think your marriage is over if you discover your spouse is cheating. The initial pain and anger makes the situation seem bleak. Fortunately the relationship is often salvageable if you are willing to forgive your partner and if both parties are willing to put in a sincere effort.

Step 1

Agree to the common goal of making the marriage work. This commitment is important because it acts as a neutral touchstone in rough times. For example, if you and your partner are having a discussion that is turning into accusations and name-calling, one of you can redirect it by reminding the other of the goal in a neutral way. Say something like, "We both agreed we want to save our marriage. This argument isn't supporting that, so how can we get back to a discussion that supports the goal?"

Step 2

Break all contact with the other person involved in the affair. Change your home telephone number, and the partner who was cheating should get a new cell phone and email account. David Jones of the "Control Yourself" men's self-help website advises changing your job if you were having an affair with a co-worker and altering any daily routines that put you at risk of encountering the other person. These efforts help reassure your partner that you're sincere about ending the affair.

Step 3

Implement ways to rebuild trust. Dr. Frank Gunzburg, a psychologist who works with couples, states the partner who was cheated on should not have to check up on the other person. If you are the one who committed the infidelity, use simple measures like calling from a landline rather than a cell phone to confirm your location on caller ID, bring home receipts to show where you've been, and let your partner see your cell phone records any time.

Step 4

Communicate openly about the infidelity, Dr. Gunzburg recommends. The partner who was cuckolded often feels a need to discuss his or her feelings frequently, especially when the hurt is still fresh. This is healthy as long as you put rules into place. The other person should be limited to sharing feelings and perceptions but not making accusations or belittling the cheater.

Tips and Warnings

You and your partner may sincerely want to make the marriage work after infidelity, but you may be running into a wall. Contact a marriage and family therapist if you are not able to fix things on your own. It often helps to have a trained professional who acts as a neutral party and provides guidance on how to repair the marital damage.
Infidelity sometimes becomes a tool for power in the marriage. The spouse who was cheated on may us it to verbally batter the other person during any argument or to make demands. For example, the person might say, "You cheated on me, so you deserve to do whatever I tell you." This is not healthy because it causes resentment and a power imbalance. Agree to leave the infidelity out of unrelated matters and discussions.