Infidelity in dating differs from unfaithfulness in marriage, because you have not yet made an official lifelong commitment to each other. Nevertheless, the emotional pain that you suffer from the betrayal can be enduring and may affect subsequent dating relationships. While an affair doesn’t have to signal the end of your relationship, it may disturb the dynamic and the progression of your interaction as a couple.
Identification
Cheating doesn’t only refer to a relationship that is physical in nature. Emotional infidelity describes “any situation that creates or causes some degree of emotional unavailability on the part of one partner that interferes with one particular aspect of the relationship, along with the quality of the relationship as a whole,” says social scientist and educator Michael J. Formica. The betrayal you may experience upon discovering his emotional affair can be just as damaging as if he had engaged in a sexual relationship, says lawyer and mediator Sam Margulies. Most women crave emotional intimacy more than they do sexual intimacy, so discovering that a partner has engaged in intimate communication with another woman is devastating.
Causes
Unfaithful partners cheat for a variety of reasons. While there’s no conclusive list of motivations, she may be attempting to escape from existing relationship problems, fear intimacy and commitment, or isn’t being fulfilled sexually or emotionally. Psychologist Phil McGraw and his television panel of medical experts also believe that high levels of stress, high-risk tendencies and thrill-seeking behavior cause cheating.
Effects
Facing the reality of his infidelity can have painful emotional consequences on you and on your relationship. Cheating erodes trust and can inspire suspicion, insecurity, guilt and depression. Your partner’s betrayal can impact your ability to sleep, eat and function, says psychologist Diana Kirschner. She says the affair “creates such heartache and pain that you do not want to be in a relationship again.” On the other hand, there may be a positive outcome. “Many people who are in committed relationships that have decent chemistry and benefits for both partners can actually work through the crisis of affairs. Not only that, their relationship can become more intimate and they can put an end to cheating once and for all,” says Kirschner.
Considerations
Dating is a time for you to reflect on the relationship you have with your partner and determine if there’s any future with her. McGraw says the “best predictor of future behavior is past relevant behavior.” Consider that if she’s cheated on other men before you, and she’s now betrayed you, her pattern of behavior indicates someone who doesn’t value commitment.
Expert Insight
Kirschner doesn’t believe the saying “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” is always valid. She says that some relationships can survive infidelity, as long as he shows sincere remorse; terminates all communication with his lover; “shows a renewed appreciation and devotion to you;” discusses where things went wrong; talks about the future of the relationship; and finally, agrees to enter counseling for himself or for both of you to improve your interaction.
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