Defiance may seem to court your adolescent with the same fervor of the paparazzi stalking stars at a celebrity function. It can start slowly with shrugs over questions about homework and grow into outright refusal to turn the television off, clean his bedroom or honor a curfew. But your teen's defiance is likely normal, and a common sense approach to discipline can help parents and teens through this temporary phase of adolescence.
Normal Teen Defiance
The moodiness, self-absorption and preoccupation your teen has with his peer group may make you question your parenting ability. But mental health professionals at the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry report that all teens, including the healthy, well-balanced ones, sometimes become argumentative, belligerent and defiant. They note that even your reasonable requests that he clean his room or empty the dishwasher can result in passive resistance or a sudden tirade over what he sees as rigid, impossible or ridiculous rules.
Causes
Well-documented hormonal fluctuations and the natural need to gain independence during puberty can bring the swift swings in mood and defiance so often related to adolescence. Along with that, however, Dr. Andrew Garner of the American Academy of Pediatrics notes that natural brain development may cause some of your teen's oppositional defiance. During an interview for Healthy Children magazine, Garner noted that the parts of the brain that regulate the ability to look ahead and see the consequences of behavior do not reach maturity until late adolescence or young adulthood. But the part of the brain that regulates emotion and reflexive responses develops fully during early adolescence. Scientists believe this mismatch in brain development may cause teens to behave impulsively despite knowing better.
Disciplining Your Defiant Teen
Noting that discipline is as important for teens as preschoolers, the Kids Health website recommends that you continue to define and enforce rules for your adolescent. The website suggests discussing and clarifying your expectations about homework, curfews and dating. But teens need to have some participation in laying the groundwork. For instance, Kids Health suggests that you allow your teen to choose his hairstyle, clothing and room decorations, but set limits on issues such as curfew based on age and maturity. Taking away privileges, such as restricting driving for a specified time, might work best for disciplining teenagers. Discussing the reasons why missing curfew and other discipline problems worry parents might keep tempers from flaring too hotly when you do suspend his driving privileges.
Prevention/Solution
Parents cannot expect to prevent all teenage defiance any more than you would expect a 1-year-old to walk gracefully during his first attempt to toddle across the room. But staying calm during the outbursts, refusing to argue over agreed-upon limits and remembering that he is likely as confused as you over his feelings can help prevent battles from becoming war. Kids Health also suggests that you periodically review your parenting style to make sure you allow him to think independently and develop tastes that might differ from your own. Pick your battles wisely. For instance, allow him to choose a different political party than yours, but enforce the rules if he opts for an afternoon at the beach instead of school.
Considerations
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry notes that a pattern of extreme defiance or hostile behavior toward authority that interferes with a teenager's daily functioning may signal something more serious than normal teenage angst. Oppositional defiant disorder or conduct disorder generally require behavior management training and help with problem-solving skills. If you believe your teen has a behavioral disorder, see your family physician for recommendations and referrals regarding evaluation and treatment.
