Anger is a universal emotion according to a "Psychology Today" article by Henry Kellerman, PhD. It has adaptive value, so if you do not manage it well it becomes destructive and maladaptive. Children who are unable to control their anger experience significant social consequences such as punishment, social ostracism and labeling by peers, teachers and adults. If you do not address your child's anger, they can develop long-term patterns of opposition, defiance and misconduct.
Step 1
Stay calm. Do not feed the anger cycle. Parents are important role models, and you should exemplify the control you want your child to exhibit. Further, your expression of anger and rage triggers a reciprocal response in your child that is unnecessary and unhelpful. It is important for you to create and maintain a family culture of reason, fairness and rationality. Take some deep calming breaths, or take a time out and calm yourself down before implementing face-to-face interventions with your angry child.
Step 2
Assess the severity of your child’s anger problem. Obtain a baseline rating of how often your child becomes angry during the day. Write down the trigger situation, the nature of their response and how long it takes them to calm down. Include immediate triggers, such as being told “no,” and note more generic causes such as fatigue, hunger, sleepiness or frustration.
Step 3
Get a consultation from a pediatrician or psychologist if the problem is severe or significantly disruptive. While anger is normal in children, intense anger that is more than a few minutes in duration, or that is repeatedly disruptive throughout the day may indicate an underlying psychiatric problem. Some disorders that can contribute to excessive anger in children include bipolar disorder and oppositional defiant disorder, according to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry.
Step 4
Establish a behavior management program. When your child is calm, discuss the anger problems. Tell your child that anger is normal but there are good and bad ways to deal with it. Anger is nature’s way of telling them something is wrong, so they should talk with an adult about what is bothering them.
Anger may lead them to act disrespectful, defiant or aggressive. Discuss with them what the consequences of these misbehaviors will be. For example, they may lose their television privileges, need to apologize, or do an extra chore.
Step 5
Tell your child to take a “time out” when she gets upset. This is not a punishment, but is an opportunity to withdraw from others while she calms down. She should be encouraged to go somewhere, such as her room, where she can relax. She can rejoin others once she is calm enough to be in control of her behavior.
Step 6
Help your child identify her anger and its causes. If you acknowledge your child’s anger, they are more likely to calm down quicker. Say, “I see you are getting upset. Do you want to talk about it or do you want to calm down for a while first?” Help her recognize signs and understand the causes of her anger. For example, say, “You didn’t sleep well last night and you get crabby when you are tired. Maybe you’ll feel better if you rest.”
Step 7
Help your child learn how to talk about the anger and do problem solving. When he has calmed down and taken himself out of his "time out," comfort him by saying, “You did a great job of calming yourself down. Are you ready to talk about what upset you?” Then discuss the situation. Listen to your child’s perspective and validate his emotional response by saying, “I can see how that would be upsetting for you.” However, return to discussing positive, problem-focused solutions. For example, ask questions like, "What do you think you could have done that would make the situation better?”
Step 8
Reward your child with labeled praise when you observe her dealing effectively with trigger situations. For example, if a peer is rude, or if she is reprimanded but contains her temper, say, “You did a great job of staying calm. I am very proud of you.”
Things You'll Need
- Paper
- Pencil
